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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Most of the time, after one good date, would a guy start having

Customer Question

Most of the time, after one good date, would a guy start having some emotional attachment, or at this stage they are most likely still in a hookup like mentality that they could easily get away from the emotional part even the date was great?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
Hello-hoping to help with your question a little. There is no way to completely answer this question for sure as everyone is different. There is a possibility of a guy starting to have emotions for someone after a first date. Chemistry between people can be very powerful and give that "butterfly" feeling when around them. When we are with someone that we hit it off with, there is a release of hormones that make us feel good and we tend to want more of that. So it is possible that someone could have feelings after one date, but there is also a possibility that those feelings go towards sexuality. So it could also be a combo of both or just one. What makes you feel that this guy is having emotional attachment or just wanting a hookup?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for helping out! Hermones are usually for women right? I was also just wondering which situation it is with guys for MOST OF THE TIME especially after only one date.

I have no idea where he stands and that is why I am wondering. Especially when it is long distance, how do you feel both can maintain the dialog or keep the conversation going? He will always respond but not always asking me questions. So I don't know if he is just dull or he is just casual.

How to get additional signs to determine what he is looking for: hookup or something more?

Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
Hormones work both for men and women, but women's can be a little more stronger for sure. With long distance it makes things a little more difficult but it doesn't mean it can't work. Keeping that communication going is what will help, but there is also a fine line with that. You don't want to overwhelm the other person by trying to communicate too much in the beginning. Some ways to keep the conversation going is talking about things that you know he is interested in, asking him some questions about himself (work up to more in depth type questions), share some things about your day that may be interesting, things like that. Since there has only been one date, he may be more in a casual kind of state and you may want to match that and work towards more if you find that as the casual talk goes on that you are still interested. You want to find the balance of showing interest but not come off as needy if that makes sense. I know that is sometimes a hard line to find though. Talk to him like you would a friend that you are getting to know.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Excellent. Since you mentioned not to overwhelm, so how often do you think the communication should be going on in this case?

Since he will respond without necessarily asking any question, doesn't it mean he is trying to take back a little or it is just because the long distance thing so he is rather relaxed?

Since I will be traveling to places close to him in a few months, do you think I should find out if he is interested in meeting when it is getting closer to the date or now? He did mention if I am in his area let him know but now I am not going to be directly in his area. I will just be close by that requires a few hours of his travel. So do you think find out now is better or later so it leaves more space match the casual state and also make it more mystic?

"work up to more in depth type questions"

-Can you give some example questions like this?

Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
I don't think there is a certain amount of communication that is right or wrong. You will kind of be able to tell by his responses. If you're in that stage where things aren't that clear I would keep contact every 2-3 days and then go off of his responses and also look at how often he is initiating contact as well. If you see that he is not initiating contact then I would go less to see how he reacts. I would definitely bring up that you will be in the area as you get closer to that happening based on how things have been going through your communications. Does that make sense?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Right now it is not like who takes initiatives. It is more of whose turn it is. So if I sent message with or without questions, he will always respond with or without questions, then it is my turn...

If the purpose of asking was simply to see how the conversation goes, then if he says he is not willing to travel, then I would have wasted all these time chatting, right?:) Ps. he already said to let him know if I am in his area. So even we don't chat at all in the next few months, I am pretty sure he will be open to meet when the time comes and I inform him so. If it is to stay more mystic and unpredictable, then that is fine I can wait later to ask.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks,

Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
Sounds like things are going well in conversation than right now and would keep doing what you are doing! If you feel comfortable asking now about being in his area in the next few months than I would ask or just wait to see how things go and ask as that time gets closer.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

He is always responding and we did have a good date. That is all I know and nothing beyond that. He might also be polite since it is unknown whether we still have opportunity to meet or not regardless of how well that date went.

I have to see when I'd feel ready to pop that question.

What to do when you don't know how the other party thinks or are looking for? Do you have any way to find out signs that tells what he is looking for without directly asking?

Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
Well there is no way of knowing what they are thinking or looking for besides asking them straight up. There are however behaviors that they show that could show interest or not. For example, if you text and it takes him a few days to answer that would show a possible lack of romantic interest, or if they don't answer at all that would show no interest. Neither of those seem to be the case with you. When someone is interested they will show interest in how your day is, how you are doing, check in with you, etc. With the distance that may make him a little more cautious. Have you had conversations with him about what he is looking for in general?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

No I haven't. Seems too quick to ask. Yeah he will respond in time but not checking in on my daily activities or try to learn more about me. Not sure if it is because it is long distance and just one meeting.

Ps I said I miss the kiss. And he said yes it was nice and he didn't want to leave. How do you interpret this response and what should I do next?

Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
If he said that the kiss was nice and didn't want to leave that is a good sign! That means he liked being with you. The distance may be the issue and him dealing with daily life things. Since there was only one date he may also still be trying to figure things out but knows that he did enjoy the date with you. I think your next step is just to continue talking with him and see where things go. I know that isn't the greatest answer but I think with the distance, only one date, etc. that is the best thing for you to do. Men will show when they are interested. They will make sure to maintain contact with someone they want to be with. If he is doing that so far, then he is interested on some level. We as girls like to know and analyze everything. Don't drive yourself too crazy analyzing it all. Just continue to get to know him and things will fall into place.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes we enjoyed it. But I just don't know if the long distance thing would defeat him and he wouldn't know if we could ever meet again. Plus, if he is just seeking something casual, even there is good time, it is over and he could just be polite now. How does the situation feel to you: was it because of long distance? Or more leaning toward he is seeking something casual? Is it just sexual interest or both?

So at this stage should I go ahead ask if he is willing to travel a few hours to see me? Or wait till it gets closer to the date?

Chat every 2-3 days? Would it be too frequent to continue doing this for 3 months? Also he has asked me much questions to get to know more about me yet. What do you think? Not interested because he is seeking casual or maybe because the long distance nature again?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi I thought I just have some follow up questions but didn't hear from you. I could still give you the credit. Thanks,

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