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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1694
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I don't know what to do. I want to see the same amount of

Customer Question

I don't know what to do. I want to see the same amount of effort, commitment, and respect that i give her.. No matter how nicely I try to bring it up, it always backfires in my face.. She either thinks i am trying to change her, I am acting just like her mother (verbally abusive), I always get mad, or im to demanding. Now, i had a good childhood, and was raised by a queen. I always thought i knew how to treat a woman. I used to always surprise her with flowers, or deep clean the place and make a candle lit dinner with no 'getting laid' mentality, I listen to her, like really listen. I used to ask questions because well, i was listening, but it just now turns into things like, don't interrupt me! just attitude every time i open my mouth. Now, I have understood these things to be petty and insignificant. At least thats what i told myself. But, its constant distancing, and it feels like the walls that we previously let down are back with a vengeance.. I dont know.. We have been together for 2 and half years, we have lived together for almost a year. And we fell hard in love, the period was great for about a year, so over half this short period of time is just mostly been surviving..
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh the intimacy is gone, no desire at all. along with the communication, lack of effort, and i cant force her to change i know that. But, i dont believe she is willing on her own. I've spoken to a therapist before, and wanted to bring her in as well. He isnt a miracle worker, and needs both sides of the story, but she wont go. I just dont know where to go now. I don't like the idea of giving up at all.
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
Hello-hoping to help with your question a little. I am sorry you are going through a tough time right now in your relationship. It sounds like it is very frustrating and you feel like you are the only one working on trying to make it better. I know you mentioned that you have talked to her and the responses you get are defensive or feeling that you are being attacked. Have you talked to her about how you feel that the relationship is feeling distant or stuck? Maybe talking about how right now it feels that with the intimacy down, feeling distant, constant attacking (or feeling that it is attacking) you are worried about the longevity of the relationship. At this point it sounds like communication is the biggest issue and it has affected where this relationship is headed. You are right in the fact that you cannot change her but how you respond to her and the boundaries you set for yourself and the relationship are things you can control. What do you think so far?