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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1700
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I am so afraid of dying. ever since my dad died in front of

Customer Question

I am so afraid of dying. ever since my dad died in front of me when I was 13. now I ma dying ... my biggest nightmare to die youn glike my daddy. I ma only 62. how do I cope with this knowledge. I have tried councillors.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
Hello-hoping to help with your question a little. I am so sorry to hear about you losing your father at such a young age, much less in front of you. That had to be very difficult. I am sure you going through what your ma is dealing with is bringing up that fear again or more present. Death is a hard thing for many people to cope and deal with, but sometimes it can turn into a phobia where it starts to interfere with a person's life. You mentioned that you have tried counselors, which I am assuming have not been helpful as of yet. I would start with contacting different therapists in your area and see if any specialize in thanatophobia (fear of death) or would look at processing the death of your father. Working on that experience may lead to some relief of your thoughts and feelings about death. Do you like to read? There are some good books on grief and fear of death which I can send you if that is something you would be interested in. What do you think so far?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I bought up my boys by myself and dad's problem was not hereditary. all ht eother people in the family have died in their 80's and 90's. I was really health conscious so that the boys wouldn't go without a parent in th eway I did. however, I was a headteacher, I was sitting at my desk one day and felt faint. my deputy advised walking in the fresh air but I should have stuck to my golden rule to always see the doctor about an aliment. so it is my fault that the boys are losing their mum. I find it so hard to believe because I was so careful for so long. went to the well woman clinics and did the right things e.g. regular smear tests etc. how could I get this wrong. I was okay for 7 years after the fainting episode and enjoyin glife then I became ill 9 years ago after ruling out a mental health problem they said it was because I didn't see the doctor when I felt faint. it seems so odd that I missed an opportunity to see the doctor.i can't live with the regret and blame. I wish there had been good books around when my dad died. there was no counselling either for a bewildered upset teenager.it would have been most helpful then. I could cope with the concept that I would die one day when it seemed a long way off! I had alovely life and loved being aheadteacher. a niggle would go in the back of my mind that it would end but I really believed that I had another 20 years in fron tof me and would see grandchildren. the other thing is the disappointment that that won't happen because of a simple unmade trip to the doctor,especially as I was normally so good at going.i should ahev ignored the deputy head and gone to the doctor as was my usual pattern. it is my own death which scares me most now. will the books help with that?i thought I would be like m y friends and enjoying grandchildren. I have messed up.i am only 62.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I try to do thing s like going to the theatre last week. bu t most of th e time I ma scare d to go out as I am dying and don't wan to die in public like dad did.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
have you got a name???!!!all I have isCustomer
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
all I can think is that I wish that I could go back to the past and see the doctor when I was faint. used some common sense. am so cross with myself. the boys have only got me.i ma letting htem down and facing my worst nightmare that I woul ddie young like dad. I worried about it but neve thought it would actually happen as all the vibes were for a long life... no cancer or heart attacks in ht family. I seemed ahealthy woman.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
also I love dlife and was such a happy person.
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
My name is Gia. It sounds like you are an amazing person and have done a lot right. If you don't mind me asking what do you have going on that makes you feel that you are dying or could have caught it earlier if you would have went to the Dr. when you fainted. There are some books about facing death. One that I know is good is The Art of Dying by Patricia Weenolsen. I can give you some more recommendations regarding specific ailments as well. I am so sorry you are feeling this overwhelming fear and concern. You seem to be doing some really good work on being able to look at the facts of things like knowing that your dad's death wasn't hereditary so the likelihood of that happening to you goes down. Looking at the facts and not going off emotion is a good way to combat some of the thoughts we have, although it is harder than it sounds and is not always easy.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I always thought that I would have a long life. now I have let my boys down because they are not going to have a mum I can't believe it of me because I was always so good at going to the doctor and should have done when I felt faint.i shouldn't have listened to the deputy head who I didn't rate anyway. so I am not an amazing person but a silly one.i just keep feeling regrets because as I said my dad's problem was not hereditary and the others in my family lived into their 80's and 90's .. I could have been around for my grandchildren. now I am just waiting to die. I have a theatre ticket for tonight but don't know if I will make it. I had such a good life being aheadteacher and two sons with whom I ha d agood rapport.now I am alone and my sons don't talk to me because I got ill 9 years ago because I hadn't seen the doctor.it was so unlike me I used to be a rel hypondriac and went to the doctor for everything. I can't think why I didn't ring about feeling faint. too late now can't put the clocks back. I haven't therefore doen a lot righyt.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
no one can help me can they?
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
You mentioned this one time of falling faint being the cause of the illness that you are dealing with now. If you challenge that idea you would see that many times fainting isn't a serious issue and many people would not have went to the Dr for that. So it sounds like you need to cut yourself some slack and just deal with the present moment and not the guilt of things that could have been. We all make mistakes and have some regrets and I know this one is a big one for you to deal with, but the last thing I would want you to do is have that past decision take away from the right here and now. There is absolutely help and ways for you to cope with this. There are great books on mindfulness that can help with you staying in the present, bring a calm mind. There are also other self help books that may help you deal with your illness. Finally there are many support groups that may be helpful either in person or online. Getting support from others that may be struggling with similar issues or have struggled and are now coping can be very empowering.