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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1694
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I'm worried that my wife my have lesbian tendencies.

Customer Question

I'm worried that my wife my have lesbian tendencies. We have only been married for one year, but our sex lives has changed drastically. She always seems to attract women that I know are gay and she constantly texting one of her friends that I think is gay and saying stuff like "love you" kiss emoji faces. She wears sweats to bed every night and she is messier than ever. What do you think?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I have a few questions before I try and answer your question. Have you asked her if she is attracted to women? Wearing sweats as pajamas is not an indicator of being a lesbian. Neither is telling a close friend that you love them. What has changed with your sex life? Has the number of times a week decreased?Have you had a conversation with her about how she is feeling lately? I think that an open and honest dialogue might help you find out what's going on with her. With the additional information, I might be able to address your question better.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Let's just say if I ever ask her anything about relationship problems she gets really defensive, almost like a guy. This friend she just met her in the past year, I just find it strange that she says things like "love you" and kisses stuff like she text to me. She has many pictures of her and that girl, what makes it strange they only see each other once a month, 2 weeks a year for military drill. She talks about this girl having lesbian tendencies and goes out of her way to talk bad about her to me, but still texted her all that lovey stuff. Like I said she attracts gay women all the time, she must put out that vibe she gets hit on a lot by women. As for sex it was hot and heavy before we got married as soon as we married I'm lucky to have sex 3 times a month. She decides when we have sex, when we do it seems routine and boring to her. She works out a lot and sends pictures of her post work out to this girl that I suspect. Before we were married I did see her make out with a women once, which I did not like. She just takes on a lot of characteristics of a alpha female.
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
Okay. So it's been a year and much has changed in your relationship. I think it's time to sit down with her and have a discussion about your feelings and suspicions. The good thing about being in a relationship is the ability to be honest with your spouse. I wouldn't accuse her of anything, but I would express the fact that these things are making you uncomfortable and that you believe she has feelings for another woman. The only way you will know for sure is by asking her.I cannot tell you whether or not she is a lesbian. It would be impossible for anyone to do that. Does it sound like she has some intimate, maybe romantic feelings towards this woman, maybe. I realize this is upsetting, and you may have feelings of anger, but the only way to sort this out is by talking to her.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I would love to have an honest conversation, but it won't happen she will just shut down and tell me how stupid it is and how she can't believe I feel this way. My gut tells me that she and this girl have more than just a casual friendship. She may not be honest with herself. We have a family and I work hard to make her happy. Just frustrating, sounds like I will never know, just be suspicious for the rest of days. So frustrating.
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
Have you considered asking her if she is happy in the marriage? You can probably start with that to begin the conversation. It wouldn't be healthy for you to simply ignore this. You will build anger and resentment, and you will begin to treat her differently, and she might not understand why you are acting that way. You can also talk to her about couples counseling. Sometimes it's easier to have someone mediate a conversation such as this.Either way, you will have to address this eventually. The "rest of days" is a very long time. No person should be subjected to living a miserable life. You're both adults, and I recommend that you address it before it begins to spill into other areas of your life. You mention a family, if you have children your anger and frustration can potentially affect their well-being.That is the best recommendation I can give, which is to address it.