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VA-NP, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 16284
Experience:  Nurse Practitioner
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Back in 2013 my friend and I were talking about living together,I

Customer Question

Back in 2013 my friend and I were talking about living together,I wasnt ready yet; I had no job and it was about a month before I got accepted for disability. Once I did get accepted She tells me that she didnt think $517 wasn't enough for rent and utilities, but I told her if I had a roomie, then they would pay me enough. Meanwhile I kept saving to move by then I was ready and had over $1000. I kept waiting for her to say something and I reminding her that I still wanted to live together, she kept telling me I should also get a job, but its harder for me since I have little experience; I've had interviews and no calls back. A few months go by and she said she found another roomie that she though was "more on the ball with things" and said I couldnt stay there cause there was no room, but she said maybe we can live together this year. In January I went to visit her, ( I should also mention we live a few states away) While I was there we she thought I didn't really enjoy myself cause I was shy around other people except her. It was only because I'm shy in general and I was in a whole different state. Though I DID talk a fair amount to people that would talk to me. I'm also someone that doesn't get to go out much or see that many friends in person, since most of them are in different states. At times she thought I just wanted to sit at home all day and play video games or cards, I only wanted to do that because I rarely get to do that with friends. We did go places, like the mall, the movies, restaurants, a guitar store, and ohayocon. I also found out that she was gonna have a second roomie, it was her roomies idea to have her movie in otherwise she'd be homeless. I thought to myself, "WTF??? she told me that there was no room in this place? If this new roomie came along and was able to move in I couldve done the same damn thing. Why didnt my friend tell me this??? I also wanted to be together as a couple, since we have alot in common and have a similar disposition. I talked about twice if she wanted to be with me and she didnt want to. It wasn't till the last day, I felt like cuddling and laid on top her (in an innocent way) I tried one last time if she wanted to be with me as a couple and still didn't I was upset and she ended up crying cause she was tired of me begging. To her she felt "emotionally raped" and lost some trust in me. I aplogized more times than I could count, but she stills holds a grudge. After my visit she said she didn't think we were gonna live together. Because of what happend and also thought I didn't enjoy myself, (which wasn't true) I kept telling her and promised I wouldn't beg to stay with her again, She just wouldn't believe me and told me to live with someone else. I didn't wanna do that because We've known each other for years and she's someone I trust. I don't want to find a random person that I don't know well since I wanna move asap, and none of my other friends are able to yet. She told me that she wanted to live with one of her other friends; this person has a job and is able to live on their own and was 10 times easier to find another roomie, but can't and neither can I. She also said that she didn't w***** *****ve with me cause of the whole driving issue and with my disability and thought that I would be her "caretaker." But she drives her other friend places. I'm not severely disabled; I can walk and talk, I'm not in a wheelchair, I just have vision problems and limp a little due to medical conditions, but Its not THAT worry some, more of a mild case. Later on she makes a deal with me, she says if I don't beg to stay with her, or mention about living together, she would be willing to consider me moving in when the lease was up. She wanted me to do this for 3 months minimum. I thought that was fair and went along with it. A few weeks past and she says that the roomie that would've been homeless, was still gonna stay with her; she was gonna live with someone else, but that person was gonna go live with her sister. I told her why doesn't she tell the roomie that can't drive to go find someone else? She said no, which I think is completely unfair, since I've been waiting for the longest time, and she just met this friend when she moved there a year ago. So I thought It would be pointless to do the "not mention about being roomies for 3 months" because the homeless roomie would be living there and 3 people was the max amount for that house. So what do you think? Am I the smarter one in this situation? Do you think she's being silly about feeling emotionally raped just because I asked to be together as a couple? Do you think I deserve to me roomies AFTER I apologized a million times? Who do you think is being more mature in this situation? All I did way lay on top cause I wanted to cuddle, to her she thought it was pinning her down and forcing to stay with me.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  VA-NP replied 2 years ago.
Welcome to Just Answer and thanks for your question. My name is ***** ***** I will do whatever I can to try to help you.
Actually, I think that you will never be roomies with this person. She has made it clear over the past months that she is unwilling to live with you either platonically or as a couple. That has nothing to do with maturity, and/or what you call "deserving." One doesn't "deserve" to be a roomie because they have been asking to for the longest time. She may feel that the constant pressure is emotional blackmail (or emotional rape to use her term). No one can "make" anyone do anything. You can only control your own behavior.
Evidently this lady is trying to move on with her life as kindly as possible out of regard for your feelings. However, it's plain to an outside observer that the relationship is going nowhere on any front. You need to find another housemate and get on with your life as well. Worrying over this one is just a waste of your time and energy.
Everyone goes through a period of unease when they contemplate sharing an apartment or house with someone they don't know well. You will need to discuss this with your future housemate thoroughly, and set some rules before you sign a lease. I would also suggest your find housing convenient to public transportation so you won't have to depend on anyone else to drive you places.
I'm sure it will be difficult to manage on only $517 a month since that has to cover your half of rent and utilities as well as your food, clothing, medical, insurance, entertainment, transportation, and everything else. In many places it won't even cover half of the monthly rent.
The best way to meet a possible housemate is to get out in the public and circulate. This many be by volunteering, attending church/synagogue/mosque, sporting events, etc. You aren't likely to meet local people (who might be potential friends) if you don't get out among them.
Please let me know if you have questions or concerns.
All the best,
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh yea? Well I'm gonna prove you wrong.
Cause I've been thru hell with this.
Expert:  VA-NP replied 2 years ago.
"Proving me wrong" should hardly be a mature goal in one's life. This lady has obviously written off a relationship with you. I doubt that all the pleading will get you any further with her. Guilting her into accepting you as a room mate doesn't seem to have much of a future. Building a sustainable life of your own for a couple of years without her help would show your maturity and good judgment though. I wish you every success in this world. I am truly sorry you are in pain over this, but as a health professional, this is the way I see what you have written.
All the best,

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