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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have a hard time talking to my boyfriend about issues. Sometimes

Customer Question

I have a hard time talking to my boyfriend about issues. Sometimes when we are having an argument he goes on and on about things and I just sit there and don't say anything. I don't if it's cuz I can't comprehend all the things he's saying or what....I dont know. It really makes me sad and disappointed in myself. I feel I'm messing up my relationship...what should I do? Also I'm really shy and don't know to be spontaneous how do I come on to him or initiate sex?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi,
How long have you been together?
Also, has it always been like this?
Does he prefer to Initiate sex or does he prefer to skip the kissing?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We've been together almost a year now. I think I have always had a hard time talking to him in major conversations. I can talk to him it's just in arguments I have a hard time. Before yes he did initiate sex we both did but him the most. But now he is depressed about our relationship so he says it falls on me to fix it
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It's like I know what to do....I imagine myself as this sexual person that takes charge. I imagine all the things I will do but I just don't act on them...I get all nervous and shy. I'm just waiting for him to make the first move but he doesn't. I'm not comfortable making the first move right just now...and I'm just dying for an answer right away. Can you please respond
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi,
I understand what you are saying. The best thing to do is to try and become that sexual being you are imagining. Sometimes if we step outside of ourselves for a little then one can overcome the shyness or insecurities. By you becoming this other sexual being that may help you conquer your insecurities. Then as you do this more and more your confidence will build in return.
Remember he is with you for a reason. He loves you inside and out and is attracted to you both inside and out. There is no standard that you need to live up to, so try not to put so much pressure on yourself. When you take this weight off your shoulder that will also help with the insecurity. I bet he will be pleased just by you initiating. Start somewhere to do what you wish. Take the first step then another day take another step. Taking daily steps will get you to where you want to be. You do not need to get there all at once.
About discussing issues with him try to stay calm. It may be possible that you are intimidated by what he says within the discussions or arguments. Try to focus and say your part. You may agree or disagree and that is ok. What is important is the way it is said. Be assertive rather than passive or aggressive. If he tries to argue let him know you will discuss when he is calm as you do not want to argue. Do not even entertain the argument. There is no need to argue because any problem can be discussed in a rational manner. It is within arguments when they are not actually being resolved.
I wish you all the best and please let me know if I can be of further help.