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DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 368
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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My husband and I have been together now years and we

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My husband and I have been together now for 6 years and we have two kids. Recently we bought our first house. So about three weeks ago I found out my husband was talking to another female. When I confronted him his reaction was basically walking away from me and leaving me. We ended up getting back together and have been trying to work things out,but sometimes I am unsure that he really is trying or wants to work things out. He will tell me that I am going to end up leaving him and weird comments like that. We will have good talks about everything,but then he will start to drink and start saying that it's going to be his way from now on. I will tell him that we need meet half way anD that's how it should be . He will also make comments like remember I took you back and things like that. I don't understand . Then he will kind a laugh and tell me shoot. Like to leave him. Also that same day he came back he suppposabley got a work phone from his boss and when he came home he had gave me the password ***** that phone. He then told me I can go through it anytime so I won't feel like he is doing anything. After about 5 days he suddenly changed the password ***** started telling me I do not need to be going through it. He will keep it on silent most of the time and he says it's a work phone but it is under his name. i just caught him talking to another girl so instead of putting a password ***** his work phone wouldn't he want to do the opposite and not do that. I told him how I felt about his "work phone" having a password ***** he will tell me that, that's my problem and I need to fix it on my own. I will tell him it's not only my problem and that we need to work on it together. There is just so much and I just don't understand where his mind is at right now. What should I do???
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship counselor/expert. I want to try to help.
First, I am very sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. This is a lot, and you are going to need support here regardless of what direction you go in. JA is a great help, but you might want to think about face-to-face counseling to help you.
Second, and carrying over the thought of counseling, the reason I feel so strongly about counseling is that people just do not change without intervention about 99.9% of the time. That is, we all get comfortable with our routines, way of doing things, etc. This is why so many diets and exercise programs fail. It's hard to change our behavior. So whether it's smoking or not exercising or poor diet or behaving poorly in a relationship, there is only about a 1% chance of just waking up one day and changing. It takes intervention. Just like a nicotine patch can help someone quit smoking, intervention (a.k.a. counseling) can help change one's relationship behaviors.
Third, that said, the big point is that your husband is likely not going to wake up one day and suddenly become the husband you want. It's taken 6+ years for him to get to this point, right? So he certainly won't change overnight. But he also is unlikely to change via just talking to you. Short of a miracle intervention (a near-death experience, death of a loved one, horrific accident, etc.), talking to a third party (counseling) is definitely a hope for a change.
The best thing you can do is ask him to go to joint/marital counseling. Like most men, he may resist. If this is the case, then by all means, go on your own. You will need the help to give you strength. I'm going to send you my contact information--my cell phone number and Skype information--if you want to schedule something soon. Whether it's with me or someone you can talk to face-to-face, please schedule an appointment because I can sense your pain and frustration in your post. And no one should go through that alone.
In summary, your husband did not get to be distant and cold overnight; the best statistical hope for change (according to real research studies) is for him to talk to a counselor. I would definitely even recommend him going by himself. But again, many men are resistant. But I suggest that because he can't contribute and be nurturing in a relationship when he himself is not emotionally healthy. He has to get healthy first--does that make sense? But if he won't go by himself, then see if you can get marital counseling. But either way, please be good to you and seek counseling.
Let me know if you would like to email/talk further. I want to help as best as I can.
Take good care,
--Dr. Jackie