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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3493
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I have rekindled a relationship with aan who had a huge crush

Customer Question

I have rekindled a relationship with aan who had a huge crush on me in high school. I am doing some work for him professionally but after a month of getting to know one another again, we have also just initiated a physical relationship. Now he seems freaked out and says it is dangerous for him to get too attached to me and vice versa. Admittedly, he is married, but I have told him I have no intention. Of ever disturbing his marriage. Now I just don't know what to do.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I am sorry that you are having this issue with this man, I can understand how frustrating and confusing this can possibly be for you. I would like to ask you a few questions to get a better idea of what you are looking for, so that I can better assist you
1. After you have told him that you have no intention of disrupting his marriage, how did he respond?
2. Where do you see this relationship going? Are you okay with it only being an affair or do you hope one day he would leave his spouse voluntarily for you?
3. I know you said you do not know what to do, but what do you want to do regarding this relationship?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am so sorry, Dr Z, but I would like to discuss this matter with a female counselor. Is there any way you can refer this question over to a female counselor?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
No problem, you did not ask specifically for a female expert in your question so that is why I took it. I will opt out now and allow a female expert to take your question when one becomes available. Good luck!
*Do not respond after this or the question will just come back to me. Thank you :)
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I can hear how confusing this is for you. The crush has had a long standing history and now you are back in each others lives. And you have both taken things to becoming intimate. I feel for your situation and your feelings for him, but I worry how this will affect you moving forward. It does not sound like he has any intention of leaving his wife or carrying on something long term with you. IT sounds like both of you would get more and more attached as time goes on. I am not telling you to stay away, I am only asking that you stay grounded in what you deiced to do. If he is freaked out and puts and end to this, can you handle that? If the two of you desire to continue having an affair, is that okay for you.
Either way, I want you to figure out all of your feelings about it and know that if he doesn't leave his wife, and it sounds like he won't, how will you feel. I believe you deserve more than sporadic time with him and a true and mutual connection with another.
I would give both of you some time and space to figure out what works best for both of you, but please pay attention so that you do not sell yourself short and end up just getting crumbs.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I'm supposed to go see him again in New York next week. He has stated that he is unfulfilled in his marriage but won't get divorced because he doesn't want his kids to hate him. He has also stated that he doesn't want "just a fling." I have offered to him that if he doesn't want me to come next week, then I will step back. I have told him the ball is in his court. I have no idea what he's thinking.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
Seems like he wants the best of both worlds. Stay in his unfulfilled marriage for fear of hurting the kids if he left, but also have you when he wants. So, it comes down to what you want? What is a fling? A one time thing or an ongoing thing where you express your love but it never can go deeper? Forget the words or labels and figure out what works for you. If you are okay with being in his life in the way he prescribes then you get to decide that....if that is fulfilling enough then you can go for it, until it no longer works for you.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
And he may not know what he truly wants right now from his time with you, so if you are comfortable with going the flow and keeping communication open, then go for it.