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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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I am 33, live in dubai - have a wonderful career going.

Customer Question

Hi I am 33, live in dubai - have a wonderful career going. I am indian. I am in love with an afrikaans white girl in south africa. I have never believed in love at first sight. Used to make fun of people who told me about it. But I met this girl in dubai last year and my feelings have stuck on. She returned to South Africa. I chose to forget it and concentrate on my work. But i was unable to. I heard that she was just out of a bad relationship. Both of us are very similar - have pretty much the same taste in a lot of things. Both of us have a social circle going. So in October, I decided to send her flowers anonymously and she was so happy that someone sent her flowers. She was so happy. I was so happy seeing that. She immediately put up the pic of the flowers on instagram. I got carried away a bit. I sent her flowers again and a note sayin (in the most humblest tone possible) that I would like to meet her for dinner at this wonderful restaurant. I took a flight to joburg the next day to go and meet her for dinner. I was so nervous, excited. I reached the restaurant and waited. Waited and waited. She never came. I then went back to Dubai. The next day she found out it was me and blocked me on all social platforms. I was dejected. I was feeling bad. I sent her an apology message saying sorry. She replied after a week saying 'Apology accepted but she doesnt want to keep in touch'. After that I havent kept in touch.. traveled the world - tried to forget her.. but i am not being able to. I swear - I have never loved someone so dear. I even tried to date - but i am not being able to give my 100 percent to anyone. I end up tellin em bout her.
Now I feel its ok to be in love with a person and not expect anything in return. Am I weird? I cant talk to anyone about this as I am scared people will think i am weird. I really would not want to ever disturb her again bu I still do think of her.. Why do you think she rejcted me? Is i cuz Im a brown man? More importantly I wanna move on. What do I d to do? Please help
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question - I'm happy to help you today.
Long distance relationships are never easy, no matter how strongly people feel about each other. It sounds to me that your relationship might have flourished if the physical distance wasn't so great and she had a chance to really get to know you. It also sounds like you were the one who was willing to put in much more effort -- it doesn't really work if both parties don't want to put in the same efforts, of course. I think she was initially very flattered by your attentions (with the flowers, for example, and posting the picture of instagram) but she might have been scared off by the fact that you were so eager and willing to drop everything to meet her in South Africa for dinner. That may have scared her off and caused her to block you on social media and stop contacting with you -- flying to another country so easily is not a move most people would make (or be able to make).
I might be wrong but it seems to me that part of your intense attraction and desire for her is stemming from the fact that she seems so unattainable. We all want what we can't have - and you may have fantasies in your head about who she is and what she's really like when in reality she might not be that way at all. It doesn't sound like you really ever had the chance to get to know her really well, on an emotionally-intimate level.
I don't think you are weird -- at times everyone falls in love with someone who doesn't (or can't) give them much in return. And of course it's not easy for you to talk about this with anyone because it's hard for people to truly understand what you are going through if they haven't been in your shoes. To answer your last questions, I think she rejected you because she was scared off by the intensity of your reaction and coming to see her, I think it's as simple as that. I don't think it has anything to do with ethnicity/race but then again, I can't read her mind so only she can say for sure. Moving on is not easy but in this case I think it's what is best for you. Most importantly, try to distract yourself when you find yourself dwelling on thoughts about her (try not to look her up online or anything like that) and just give it time -- I know it's already been several months but it seems like you just need to be patient with yourself. Try to invest your energies into other areas/people where you might get some sort of return. It's not easy but you can get over her with a bit of patience and time.
I wish you all the best.