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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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Hey doctor, may 2013 my wife told me she felt hopeless for

Customer Question

Hey doctor, may 2013 my wife told me she felt hopeless for our marriage and although she loved me,she was no longer in love with me. We lived together for another 6 months but I slept on the couch downstairs. Before me moved, she met a guy that managed a property and within a month he was already taking my wife and son out on dates. I confronted her about the guy and having my son involved so soon (he was 3 at the time) but she just claimed they were friends. This guy wasn't married and was at her apartment during late hours. A week before that Christmas my wife and I got into an argument and she and my son spent Christmas with that guy. I didn't even get to see my son Christmas 2013. So I stopped communicating with her completely; until I asked her for a divorce in February 2014. She told me she didn't want a divorce but if that would make me happy then she would do it. In March 2014, we met up for coffee and things took a small step in the right direction. However I felt so horrible when she told me she dated a guy (she claims it was some random guy, not the Christmas guy) ; and claims she only started dating because she heard I had started first. ( I had yet to date anyone). After that meeting my son came home talking about going out with the same guy from Christmas, so I stopped communicating with her again. So since July 2014 we've really only communicated via text because I refused to answer any of her calls; and then I started dating. Then in October 2014 I could tell she was attempting to reconnect with me but I was upset and too prideful , so i ignored her attempts (they were small attempts to communicate with me). When we didn't reconnect she then went on a trip to Colombia (she's not a U.S. Citizen, I got her green card when we got married 5 years prior) with some new guy for Christmas. She lied to me and told me she was going by herself. Before leaving she asked me to spend Xmas with her and my son so he could have his family. When I got there Xmas 2014, I could tell the guy had spent Xmas eve with her and my son. As much as I wanted to get back together with my wife, this broke my heart and disgusted me. So chrismas I left earlier, mainly out of hurt. My (now 4 year old son) told me he spent the rest of Xmas with his mom and her boyfriend. So I stopped communicating again and in January 2015 I told her I would file the divorce (mainly just trying to scare or hurt her). She said ok. Well we didn't file for divorce but I knew she getting serious with this guy and I really couldn't handle knowing the life I built and the sacrifices I made were for nothing and so we just communicated via text again. This guy also has been taking my son kn vacations and things. (He's a young director at progressive insurance). So finally may 2015 she texted me and told me that she filed for divorce because she was much closer to God now and no longer wanted to live in sin. She asked that we talk on the phone. So I called her. She told me that because I remained silent that entire time that she was only left to make assumptions and it seems obvious we were unable to reconcile. As much as it hurt (and it did.. A few ulcers later), I told her I understood why she made that decision, but that I was very much in love with her and I understand that my pride has gotten in the way also. So I get it. She told me i would be served with the papers very soon, but I haven't yet. I truly understand why I'm in the position I am right now, but I wanted to know (with your experience) do you think it's possible to reconcile? Being that I truly am still in love with her? She text me the other day (randomly) that love is patient and kind and doesn't judge. Do I just need to learn to move on at this point? Here's a little background you may need to know. We married when I was 23 and she was 24. We had our son the following year. There was no abuse, no cheating. She said she felt as though we were turning into roommates and that's not what she wanted. But the reason for the lack of romance was because for 4 years after having my son I encouraged her to lose weight because she's a very pretty girl. But she never got around to it. However I may 2013 she started working out and lost all of the weight (all of it) in 3 weeks; then told me she felt our marriage was hopeless. Can I have my wife back before I sign the divorce papers?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I believe I may be able to help you with your concern. I am very sorry that you are in this difficult position with your wife, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. To answer your question if there is a chance to reconcile with your wife, yes there is a chance, but only if you both want to try to reconcile. I obviously cannot read your wife's mind, so I do not know what she is thinking at this very moment, but if she has a some desire to try to work with you on this marriage than there is still hope in your marriage. Unfortunately any type of reconciliation would be an uphill road because you both have been separated for so long and there is another man involved with your wife for a significant period of time, but if you both would commit to a form of couples therapy to help you both try to re-connect than that could get you both on the right path for repairing this marriage. Since she appears to be a religious person (you did not state if you were as well or not) there are forms of pastoral or spiritual counseling that she may be more open to. While I know you want to reconcile with her and want to make this marriage work, it will take her to put in that effort because you cannot repair a marriage on your own, she must be open to this idea as well and work with you.
Now if she chooses not to go to couples therapy with you and overall is not making an effort to try to repair the marriage and instead wants to continue with the divorce process, than that is something you would have to accept unfortunately. I know that is hard to hear and I hate saying it, but you cannot put in all the effort in repairing a marriage no matter how much you are committed and love your partner if she is not willing to do the same. So if she truly pushes you away and rejects any ideas of trying to repair the marriage than you would be forced to accept that divorce is going to be a certainty at this point.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. I truly wish you both all the best and I hope that she will try to work on this marriage with you so that you both can heal and move forward together.
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