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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Is it true that the best chance to get your boyfriend back

Customer Question

Is it true that the best chance to get your boyfriend back is to have no contact with him versus sending him a heartfelt letter of how you feel and put in your best effort to understand and talk to him about reconciling and understanding why he feels the way he does? I was in a relationship with a guy for 1.5 years. He is 44, divorced with 2 kids. He cares for me and he told me he wasn't sure it would work for us for the longer term based on intuition. He had the same intuition about his ex-wife and is afraid of being hurt again. But, his intuition was completely off when we started dating. He had pessimistic thoughts that were made up in his head e.g.) He thought I had no passion for him; he thought I was keeping him at arm's length be arranging him to go for a run with a guy friend of mine while I ran slower behind him ... he realizes now that I was just trying to help him. Anyways ... I want to send him a letter ... have lots to say but not sure if I should share all I feel honestly ... or just let him come to me? Just go radio silent? Do I remain friends. He wants to remain friends and a part of me feels that remaining friends could only help. But I don't want to remain just friends ... chances are, if we stay friends and have opportunities to laugh and talk and stay close, he won't be able to avoid falling for me because he is attracted to me. After all, don't we want to fall in love with our best friend?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your question. In any relationship you do not in anyway want to be distant. You always want to stay in contact with the person so they know you are there and that you care about them. A heart felt letter is a great way to express how you feel and it helps understand your emotions as well. But I feel that he is just scared of being hurt or him hurting someone else. He wants to move forward with you and have a relationship but right now fear is holding him back from taking that next step. He wants to be friends so that he can spent time with you without the pressures of a relationship. This way he can get to know you and form a strong bond. I feel like this is the step you should take in creating this strong connection with him. I feel like he wants to take things slow with you and create a lasting relationship. I feel like this would turn into more than a friendship. It would grow into a strong happy healthy relationships. Relationships that start as friendships create strong relationships because you truly get to see the real person and it strengthens that bond over time. I would agree to being friends but also say that you feel it will grow into a relationship so he knows you are still interested in having a relationship. Thank you for your question.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you! I had a chance to meet with him last night and it was a good meeting. You gave me very good advice. I asked the same question on Quora (although was not able to provide much details). Most everyone said let him go. Hard to give any advice without knowing the details and even then, no one can predict the future but I think you are closest to what is going on. Yes, I don't feel I will fall into the "friend zone". I think he cares for me very much. We talked about fun things and he is very good about sharing his thoughts (as good as a man can get). I feel we are close. I think he enjoys that closeness. I was calm and shared my thought, fears and told him that I just want him to be happy. My heart was warm when he left and he seems to be looking forward to running with me at this special place we like to go to when he returns from his business trips and visiting with his kids. He told me that since Dec, he has felt "colorless". He was not able to see his kids and that is what triggered it. He said that comes from when he when he looked up at the changing leaves one autumn day. He was on the East coast and the leaves in the fall are spectacular with vibrant colors. He said he looked up and felt "colorless". He got divorced a year later. He says it's not me. I can feel he cares deeply, maybe even feels love for me. I've dated a lot (am 48) and have been in long term relationship as well as have short term dates fizzle out.

So I will be his friend for now. Thanks for your reply! Wanted to share with you where we are at.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
That was great that you both were able to talk. He just sounds like he is worried about getting hurt or feeling as he described colorless. I feel like this friendship is going to develop into an amazing relationship. It just needs time . This relationship will grow and he will begin to see that you are their for him and he has nothing to worry about. It is good he talked and said it wasn't you. He is just struggling with certain things in his life. But once he see that you are their he will begin to develop that special bond with you which will lead to a wonderful relationship. He needs you in his life right now, but he just is scared of moving too fast. He wants to understand his emotions. I want you to just be there for him and you will see the relationship begin to grow into something amazing. Thank you for your question.

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