Okay so Im engaged to a guy that would do anything in the…

Question

Okay so I'm engaged to a guy that would do anything in the world.
He's been putting up with this topic I've been distraught over for the past four
months.
Basically I don't believe in sleeping with people without being in love. I've
been with 3 people and I'm his 6th.
Well the first night I met him he was outrageously drunk and we were at a house
party.
Well when things were over he and I and two friends decided to continue the
party at his house.
We were upstairs taking shots and he went downstairs (where his room is located)
to get more alcohol. The other girl at the party (my friend) had been trying to
make out with him over and over throughout out the night. She followed him
downstairs. They were gone for about 15-20 minutes. The other guy that was
upstairs with me then went downstairs and my now fiancé came back up.
My now fiancé came upstairs and laid with me on the couch. We fell asleep and in
the morning the other guy and my friend came upstairs and left. So they spent
the night down there.
My fiancé tried to date me after that I refused because I assumed something had
happened while he and my friend were downstairs. Well a year later our paths
crossed again and I just couldn't resist trying out a relationship with him.
We ended up getting engaged. A few months ago I started thinking about the night
we met. I asked him when we first started talking if anything had happened
between him and my friend and he told me he doesn't know what happened. He was
so drunk he doesn't remember a thing from that night. He only remembers waking
up on the couch with me but he does remember kissing my friend before he went
downstairs for more liquor.
Well after time passed I couldn't stop thinking about it. the girl that was
there has well over 100 partners and has had sex with multiple people in one
night. I've been there. I have always refused to give any guy that had been with
her any of my time.
Well I asked her when we first started dating and she said she didn't have sex
with him that she had sex with the other guy there that night and that's why he
spent the night down there.
Now it's been 2 years and i'm getting married soon and I can't seem to get all
of that out of my mind and I feel like i don't want to get married because of
it. One night the girl friend and I got really drunk and I asked her about it
she said that she was just coming on to my fiancé to make the other guy jealous.
that the other guy had a girlfriend but had been hooking up with her the last
couple of weeks. she was really torn up about the guy and said that when her and
my fiancé were downstairs she was just asking a lot of questions about the guy
upstairs since they were close friends. she swore on her childs life that she
didn't have sex with my fiancé that all they did was make out. However; she lies
about everything. I can name 50 guys she has been with and she will tell
everyone she has only been with 20 people. She lies constantly.
The other guy there told my fiancé (since my fiancé was black out drunk and
can't remember) that my fiancé was downstairs with her for about 15 minutes, if
that, and he passed him coming up the stairs and the girl was downstairs walking
around in the bathroom. He said he doesn't believe that anything happened
between them.
After we started talking a year later she tried to come on to him three times.
She even went and got in his bed at a house party one time and he told me I
needed to go get my friend out of his bed. She pinned him in the kitchen once
and tried to make out with him and he pushed her off. Everyone has witnessed her
trying to come on to him and he has not acted on it.
I also know that after late night sex my fiancé is always bound to fall asleep,
especially if he's drunk. I also know that if he's really really drunk it's hard
for him to have sex number 1 and number 2 it takes him a long time to finish.
But I want to know for certain that nothing happened or i don't want to get
married. I don't want to marry someone that would have ever had interest in
someone like that.
The thing is he can never tell me for certain whether it happened or not because
he doesn't remember anything. I don't want to have to think about this for the
rest of my life and a lot of people say "his past shouldn't matter" but like I
said that was the first time I met him. He and I slept on the couch together
that night and I can't bear to think he possibly hooked up with the easiest
person I've ever known. I just don't find that an attractive quality and all the
guys I dated before him were just not into girls like that.
I feel like I can't go without knowing for sure all my life.
I need advice on what to do at this point.

Alicia_MSW · Accepted Answer

Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question - I'm happy to help you today.
I can understand how confused and tormented you are feeling about this
situation. But the thing is, (and as you said), there really is no way to known
with 100% certainty what happened that night. Since you're getting married on
Friday, I can also understand that part of this problem might be caused by cold
feet due to the fact that you want to make sure that you're marrying the right
guy, someone who you can trust 100% and count on to tell you the truth. Now, I
obviously don't know anyone involved in this situation, but it does sound like
he is telling you the truth as best as he can. And it also seems that there are
a lot of other people (okay, granted, we cannot totally trust your 'friend', but
I think that she would have come clean that night you both got drunk together.)
who are corroborating what he's said.
You know there's nothing more that anyone can say, but I can also imagine how it
feels to be in your shoes. You might be thinking that you feel like you can't
trust him if he can't tell you the truth -- but he can't tell you the truth
(above and beyond what he's already said) because I believe he truly cannot tell
you anything more than what he's said. Although your imagination might be going
wild at this point, wondering what really happened between the two of them
during those 15-20 minutes they were together, the chances are sounding like it
really was just perhaps some drunken kissing between them. If he was so drunk,
he probably wasn't capable of more, anyway.
Only you can decide how you want to proceed at this point, but it sounds like
you have a great guy who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with
you. You don't want to lose him over a drunken incident that happened 2 years
ago (and that something is, in all likelihood, not as big a deal as you might
imagine -- I am assuming that this is the only thing that causes your feelings
of doubt, and it's not like he's cheated on you in the past or gives you any
other reason to mistrust him). I know you say she's the easiest person you've
ever known, but you also said if he's really drunk it's hard for him to sex in
general. In my opinion, none of these signs are pointing to the scenario that
you are imagining occurred back then.
At this point, it's a matter of trusting yourself, trusting your gut instincts,
and trusting your fiance. I don't know you, but from what I am reading, it
sounds like you believe him but you're afraid of getting hurt -- and that's
totally normal. But there is, in all honesty, nothing more you, or anyone, can
do at this point. I think you need to decide if you want to take a leap of faith
-- knowing that you'll never know for sure. I know it's not easy, but you really
have to follow your heart. Marriage is, aside from love, about trust, honesty
and faith in the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.
I hope this helps -- I know it is not easy, but in my opinion, it sounds like
you already know what you want to do. I hope you have a fantastic wedding -- but
please let me know if you need additional assistance. Best wishes.

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