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My boyfriend of nearly 10 years has in my opinion inappropriate…

My boyfriend of nearly 10...
My boyfriend of nearly 10 years has in my opinion inappropriate relationshis with his ex wife who lives and wears another mans ring and an old ex girlfriend who thinks she dislikes me even though she has never met me. He speaks to and meets these women several times a week. He claims to be just friends but the ex wife hides the meetings and so does my boy friend from me. It has come to a head and appears to have stopped since her boyfriend found out. The ex girlfriend lives out of state but sends gifts..sends emails and text messages if how she is thinking of him...basically treat s him like a boyfriend but will have nothing to do with me despite my offerings. We fight all the time over these women and he protects their feelings before mine. I suggested we send our Christmas card...he refuses ..doesn't want to upset her. Am I out of line asking him to stop ...they talk on the phone nearly as much as we do! Its ridiculous
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Answered in 2 minutes by:
12/7/2013
Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,289
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very concerning situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems very frustrating. Could you please confirm tat you have been in this long term relationship almost for 10 years, and he has kept this close sharing with these two women to this point?

Customer:

Yes its frustrating.. yes its true

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The behaviors you describe here are shocking unless you happen to have an open non-exclusive relationship, once the level of closeness, intimacy and intensity and frequency of their sharing/relationships is overwhelming in my opinion for most people in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see how an adult could justify any of these behaviors the way he does.

Customer:

Exactly! He tries to minimize it but acknowledges its probably not good. Claims he will stop but has not yet

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since he has been sharing this much and protecting these women and his relationships with them for this long, while he has not shown you through any real nor significant actions his respect, commitment to you, how could you expect this person, after ten yeas together would then become responsible, respectful, sensitive and truly committed to you?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then, when a person denies reality, or temporarily acknowledges what is wrong and promises to change but then shows he's still dishonest, once his actions show you otherwise, it would be unrealistic and self-sabotaging to expect anything better from this person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That would only show his dishonesty, manipulating you and you tolerating and then enabling his further abusive actions even more.

Customer:

Well when we are together we are wonderful together and he is invested a lot of time abd money with me...problem is we live 2 and half hours apart. He comes to me every weekendbut all tthis foolishness goes on during the week. Its not sexual..but an emotional affair or relationship as I see it. He is to retire in 2-4 months.. I'm hoping he moves and it ends.

Customer:

What would you say to him if he were to get some advice from you?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not about an isolated incident but a chronic pattern, a very concerning reality of lack of honesty, respect, sensitivity, support and commitment. Thus I do not see how this could get trsnfromed into a truly healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship, unless he happens to transforms himself, and for that to happen, if it happens, would take hard work, a lot of time and professional support, since these are very severe chronic issues.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say that he needs to come to terms with the fact that not being honest nor respectful with you as his official partner, could not help but wound you even more, that he needs to choose if he truly wants to work on healing and building a healthy relationship with you, or if he prefers to attache and share with these other tow women or with somebody else, since it is clear your core needs and expectations are very differnet and not met at all, except for the time you share with each other during weekends.

Customer:

Well I've been waiting on a house and ring...both are existing but he has yet to follow through...tells me he is close...I've heard that since 2009...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would not support the approach of saying this is fine because it is not sexual but only emotional. What I know is that most people deny or sugarcoat reality, and whenever it is about adults and relationships like these, it is always sexual/ romantic, whether it is face to face or long distance, by phone, email, chat, video chat or through other means.

Customer:

I agree! Even if its in thought only... very inappropriate!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very concerning. I do never suggest anybody to trust and even less to make their loves depend on nice words when they are not matched by consistent actions. That would be self-sabotaging in my opinion, enabling further neglect , manipulation and different forms of abuse.

Customer:

Agreed thankyou for your comments and advice..

Customer:

Its everything iI know for sure!"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each person sets his/her own standards based on their core value and belief systems, then if a person feels comfortable with such behaviors like he does, that's his right and responsibility too, but you are also the only one with the right, power and responsibility to choose if that is compatible with you, your life, core needs and expectations and life style or not.

Customer:

Amen!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please work on unconditionally respecting, loving, protecting and supporting yourself,, in order to take good care of yourself, and not to allow anybody to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you, setting necessary boundaries and limits.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

Thank you!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

I will!! ..Good night!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good! Good night.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember to rate session/answer before you leave the chat. Thank you.

Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,289
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
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