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I have been dating a girl for 2 years. In the 1st year she…

I have been dating a...
I have been dating a girl for 2 years. In the 1st year she was unemployed, and I supported her with rent, food, etc. I live in the country and she needed a flat in town to look for work. After a year she got a job, and we got a flat in town together. I stayed over mostly weekends and on the odd week day.
Strangely enough nothing I ever do is good enough. There is always something else I could have / should have done. I must always come up with money for her to fly and visit family. If I don't, I get accused of "sending her to other men" to loan money.
My birthday supper sums up our relationship. We went to the most expensive restaurant in town which has a band and dance floor. While still eating, she suggested we go to another venue. For no reason. We had a huge argument, and went home. The following day she apologized and said her reaction is mostly the consequences of me treating her so bad. So we decided to go to the same restaurant, and have the supper over. She agreed not to spoil the evening again. After supper we danced once, and then she demanded we go to another venue. We had an argument, and she got up and walked out, while I was still paying the bill.
She has "men friends" that she can have coffee with after work, but I get asked about every move. And have also been accused of cheating on her.
We have been broken up for 1 month, and I missed her so much I went back last week. After a long discussion she convinced me I am the man of her life. She new that the first day she met me. Strangely enough, the keys from the flat where taken away from me, and she said it is better that I only sleep over 2 or 3 nights a week. And I don't have access to the flat when she is not there.
Why am I still in this relationship, and why can I not get out?
She now is demanding money for a trip to Europe and a deposit for a car. She is always telling me how we can get a house next year, get married and start a family.
I could write a book on how she treats me. Last night we where having supper, and she just jumped up and changed the tv channel. I told her I was actually watching that, and she went into a rage, and told me she will not put up with my chit any longer. Once we finished supper, she was the loving and caring person I met 2 years ago. She insisted that I stay over, but I got up and left. She was mad as hell, and told me how insecure I am and all the reasons this relationship cannot work.
Then this morning she sent me a long loving email about how she is looking forward to having my kids.
I need to get out. Right ?
But how? I miss that loving person and seem to accept the bad for just a little good.
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Answered in 6 minutes by:
12/5/2013
Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,293
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this serious situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here shows clear and systematic abuse and manipulation at multiple levels.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can imagine how sad and frustrating it could be to face such reality, but only you know how it feels.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The behaviors your partner has been showing are obviously very dysfunctional and abusive, could reflect serious personality and mental health problems, and if this have been your reality for this long, I am afraid it would not get any better unless she happens to get psychological treatment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very concerned about the financial, material, verbal, emotional and mental abuse you have been exposed to, and nothing here shows this serious reality would improve at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you have been enabling her abuse and destructive ways out of love, hope and good sense of responsibility, but you have exposed yourself to serious neglect and abuse, and this could never lead to build a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think codependency is a core issue here deeply undermining your ability to respect, protect and take good care of yourself, and without that, you would continue taking and enabling further abuse and neglect, and this woudl not lead to anything good and happy for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yip, I know that. So why can't I just walk away. Why miss her so much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you have become addicted to this person

Customer:

Yip, I have an addictive personality. I am struggeling to stop smoking and it is killing me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Otherwise your judgment and sense of respect and preservation would have worked long ago not tolerating any of this, but i ti obvious to me how easily it's been for her to manipulate you, since you have played a very codependent role fueling it; out of love and hope for sure, but leading to this serious reality.

Customer:

It has a bad effect on my health. I do not work like I must, I have no energy and I feel depressed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There you have it. Please look for a god psychotherapist who could support you to work on rehabilitating from this condition, and seriously consider joining a support group too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, those are the effects addictions, whether related to substances or behaviors, have on people, they literally destroy and kill people everyday.

Customer:

I will do that. Much appreciated. So it is not that eas to just walk away and start a new life?

Customer:

Ok, so it is not that simple as just walking away and starting a new life?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your support system, namely, healthy family members and close friends, should play an active role helping you, since relapsing and self-sabotaging are part of the disorder.

Customer:

But for now I should walk away. Just before Xmas and new year. Right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could and should try to do that for sure, but if you see that you self-sabotage and get back to the same , as I am afraid could easily happen, then please do not delay it even more, and get professional support right away.

Customer:

Are you in Cape Town?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, otherwise you would make things much harder and complicated for you, undermining your chances for rehabilitation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry in which country are you located?

Customer:

South Africa

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily not, I do not live in SA, but I can support you with confidential professional counseling online, if you want to work on it , as long as you feel comfortable with me and want to try it.

Customer:

I appreciate your help in this matter. But I would rather prefer to sit and have a real conversation with someone. I will look around here for help. Many thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember to rate session/answer before you leave the chat. Thank you.

Customer:

Thanks mate. I feel better, and will definitely get that help.

Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,293
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
Rafael-E-Therapist and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Is there any way I can ask you a personal question offline?

It depends on the nature of your question. I listen.
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I just want to ask something about our relationship which I do not want published on the net

I am sorry, but everything in this website is public. What I can do is get your question which would be public for a couple of minutes, I will answer it as soon as possible and then I'll totally block access to your total question.

If you want confidential counseling, I can support you with that too using another interface.
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

no problem. I will contact someone locally, and ask them.


I do not want to offend anyone, and would rather not have the question on the net. Not even for a few minutes.


Thanks for you help.

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Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
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