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Hello: Have I done the right thing by asking my ten year fiance

Hello: Have I done the right...
Hello:
Have I done the right thing by asking my ten year fiance and father of our 4 year old boy to move out?? We have had issues for over a year due to his lack of family responsabilities. I had run out of options as I want him to show interest in us, not come and go whenever he pleases,to get on his own two feet and get a job to become the role model for our son and for us to feel safe, loved and secure under his wing. I cannot make him understand that it is not all about the materialistic things but to not take us for granted or for us to feel neglected... Am I asking for too much, he says he loves us and that he is sorry for the last year but nothing has really changed, I am trying to be strong but I am falling apart inside, I love him dearly and I know he is capable but nothing I say and do makes him realise the interest he should be showing, he says he still has a lot of love for us but does not understand how my decision is going to improve anything. Have I taken the right option? Please help me mainly for our little boy.regards, Romina
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Answered in 3 minutes by:
12/4/2013
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about what you have experienced during these 10 years of relationship leading you to the present crisis?

Customer:

In the last two years it has been a struggle, not sure where it all went pear shape, just how he has completely neglected his family duties or maybe I am just realising that maybe he does not really care for us

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This sounds very serious and frustrating. You mean he has not been responsible as a spouse and father, taking good care of your core needs and expectations?

Customer:

I thought i tried everything to make him understand that he has responsabilities he needs to fill, that is correct as a father, spouse. He has neglected all of those

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How does he justify this serious neglect and lack of caring towards you and your son?

Customer:

How do I make him understand that he needs to step up, not go out with his mates and not even take his son out when he is arround. Lately justifies it by saying that I am cold hearted and bitchy but I know lately perhaps I am but it is only my way to be strong under my parents roof and for our son

Customer:

He really needs to grow up in some way, I do not mean stay home 24/7 but take responsability without losing child like heart, How do I make him see and realise?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is unacceptable, you sound like a very responsible, mature and caring person truly worried about your son and family's well-being, but n the other hand, you are describing a spouse and father that refuses to even respect you and comply with his basic responsibilities, and when that's the case, tolerating such neglect and manipulation would only enable even more dysfunction which you nor your son need at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily I do not see how a person after this several years not being able nor willingness to even respect you could make any significant changes unless you confront his abusive neglect, set clear boundaries and limits , for him to respect, otherwise you would have to be consistent focusing on taking better care of yourself and son, just as you described before, since it seems that taking this much for this long could only enable more lack of respect, caring and support.

Customer:

What shall I do? I know he is capable and more than able, he is clever but something has not clicked, He reassures me that he loves but does not show it. Do you believe perhaps he has no love or interest in us? How should I go about this? Have I made the right decision in asking him to move out to start again and build our family triangle again?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you have been facing his lack of respect and accountability for this long, regardless of how much you have tried to promote his understanding, insight and actions to make changes, then I do not see another assertive option but to stick to your plan, hoping he would finally come to terms with reality that neglecting an taking advantage of you this much could not continue any longer. If you keep tolerating it even more, you would continue enabling further dysfunction you and your son would continue to suffer, and that could never help you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he really cares about you and have what it takes to at least respect you and comply with basic responsibilities, he would change his ways to deserve your trust and love back, otherwise he would keep doing the same, trying to manipulate you with nice words and promises while neglecting and disrespecting you and your son.

Customer:

Yes, you have put it all in the right words and thank you for making me understand, and I will keep with my plans and hope that he changes his ways. I just have to find some strength for the depths to see this through. Any ideas as to what else to do, or tips to help him understand?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Work on being %100 consistent respecting yourself, setting and keeping good boundaries and limits, without allowing nay form of manipulation under any circumstance. Make it clear that words are useless unless they were consistently followed by concrete actions, otherwise you would not expose yourself nor your child to something this unhealthy, that if he truly loves and cares about you, he would change his ways, and if needed get professional psychological support to work on himself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer:

Thank you for your help. I may sleep better tonight with slight relief that it is not all in my head. And thank you again I will contact you if I need any further assistance.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, please do so. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

You also

RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
RealSupport and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Thank you for your support and understanding, most of all thank you for shining a bright light on the matter as it helps hearing from a different perspective an outsider to the current situation. I just have to stop thinking with my heart and start using more of that old grey matter. It is unfortunate that I am unable to make him understand something I thought was basic, so deep in our genes... At the moment I am looking at some counselling for him, myself and as a couple. If I do need more of your assistance, I will truly try and see if you are still willing to help me. Unfortunately my funds are very low( as he has not helped me financially for a long time) Therefore I am unable to give you a higher tip. Thank you once again and my positive vibes go out to you, Regrds, R.

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