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Hi Dr. Mark! To follow up on my last post: Three nights…

Hi Dr. Mark! To follow up...
Hi Dr. Mark!

To follow up on my last post:

Three nights ago, I was put in a very awkward situation which led to an argument. The girl I have been dating confessed that she had fallen for me. I was quiet and smiled simply because I was not there yet and didn't want to reciprocate if I didn't have the same feelings. She asked if I had fallen for her too, and I said that I was starting to develop feelings. She didn't take this very well and left the room. She started becoming very emotional and exclaiming that I was not interested in making things work. She also said that I don't put as much into our relationship as she does. I do want to point out that she had a couple of glasses of wine before the outburst.

I calmed her down and told her that I'm just moving at a different pace and that's all. I then suggested that we take a little time apart and let things cool off. My thinking at this point was to get some space and just clear my head.

After a couple of days I called her and talked about what happened. She did apologize to an extent. I told her that her outburst genuinely freaked me out and that it put my defenses up.

At this point I need to decide whether I just want to chalk this up to an isolated incident and try to move on. Or, call it quits while we are already taking a break. I'm hesitant to throw in the towel, but I don't want to keep stringing her along if we are still at very different points. Do we give it more time and risk even more hurt later?

I'm lost at what to do!
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Answered in 3 minutes by:
12/3/2013
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'm glad to hear from you, though I also wish this hadn't happened, as you do.


Type a hello when you join the chat and we'll get started, okay?

Customer:

Hello

Dr. Mark :

Hi. This does not sound like a positive development. Do you agree or do you see it differently?

Customer:

I agree

Dr. Mark :

She seems very insecure. Do you have a sense why that might be?

Customer:

She's been hurt a lot in the past and she's going through some very tough times in her life (Issues with her doctorate program)

Dr. Mark :

Okay. But it may be too much insecurity for you. So,

Dr. Mark :

I don't think it's time to force a "separation", a cooling off period,

Dr. Mark :

and I think you have enough feelings for her

Dr. Mark :

that it might indeed be worth to keep on going.

Dr. Mark :

Remember how we ended our last discussion?

Customer:

Yes, I was going to have a conversation with her and just talk it out. Which I did, but unfortunately after the outburst.

Dr. Mark :

Right.

Dr. Mark :

So let's stay with that program:

Dr. Mark :

not making any 100% decisions, but using this as "fact finding" time, right?

Dr. Mark :

I think you've found out some more facts, now:

Dr. Mark :

she's really quite insecure and prone to anxiety.

Customer:

Yes, agreed

Dr. Mark :

But you still like her a lot, so keep on finding out more. What do you think?

Dr. Mark :

Can you handle keeping on finding out more?

Customer:

I think so, but I'm concerned about keeping everything in limbo... Its been a few days since we've seen each other. I don't want to be unfair to her and take this "cooling off" period too far.

Dr. Mark :

Don't feel this way.

Dr. Mark :

I mean:

Dr. Mark :

don't be making her needs your priority in this area.

Dr. Mark :

Yet.

Dr. Mark :

Let's first find out what you need.

Dr. Mark :

Because if it gets to be too one sided, where you're tiptoeing to keep her from getting anxious, that may not be what you want to sign up for. Agreed?

Dr. Mark :

So, what's your timetable?

Customer:

I agree.

Dr. Mark :

Are you missing her right now and want contact?

Customer:

I can't say that she's in my every thought... I think it may be because my defenses are still up.

Dr. Mark :

Fair enough.

Customer:

as for time-table.... I was thinking at least until the weekend

Dr. Mark :

I think you are thinking reasonably and

Dr. Mark :

remarkably steady

Dr. Mark :

given her level of anxiety!

Dr. Mark :

That is what I was thinking: giving yourself time to cool off, get into your own routine, and see how you feel about her within your calm routine.

Customer:

Okay.... see if I start to miss her more when I'm not as defensive and shaken?

Dr. Mark :

Right. Exactly,

Dr. Mark :

give yourself time to feel your own feelings without all of her anxiety pressure on you.

Dr. Mark :

And if she can't give you that space at this point,

Dr. Mark :

then I think we have some serious soul searching to do...

Dr. Mark :

Don't you?

Customer:

I agree!

Customer:

In your experience, do these high levels of anxiety and insecurity typicall present and ongoing problem?

Dr. Mark :

I want to just end off with

Dr. Mark :

In my experience, it's about 55% yes.

Customer:

okay, thank you

Dr. Mark :

Not always, though.

Customer:

Sorry, I interrupted...

Dr. Mark :

So don't give up.

Dr. Mark :

That's why I am thinking about seeing how she reacts now that you've told her that you don't want to be pressured.

Dr. Mark :

Okay?

Customer:

okay... some additional cooling time, see how I feel, then evaluate

Dr. Mark :

Yes. But don't be negative: keep liking her and see how it goes.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

Thanks Dr. Mark

Dr. Mark :

You're so welcome. You're a good man and I truly hope she'll recognize that she needs to give you a chance to like her before she wants you to love her!

Dr. Mark :

All the very best to you,

Customer:

Thanks again!

Dr. Mark :

All the best; and if you could give a positive rating before leaving, I'd be grateful.

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified
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