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Please help me I am dying. My boyfriend and I got a house together.

He put the down payment...
Please help me I am dying. My boyfriend and I got a house together. He put the down payment of 200,000. I have since spent about 20,000 in repairs.

I pay the mortgage and he lives in an apartment and spends time at the house nearly 15 out of 30/31 days. I pay for all other house related expenses including repairs.

My issue is he comes to my home and pays nothing. Yes that was our agreement and I understand but part of me is so upset because technically he lives there half of the time. The worst part is he contributes nothing or next to nothing for the food in the house and convinces himself he is only eating food that will end up in the trash.

He has no qualms about eating the food for days. He has been there since last Friday and will go home tomorrow evening but I have basically provided him with every meal he has eaten.

Did I mention that he now is unemployed? But he has been doing this for 16 months and been unemployed for only the last 3. Making an issue of this makes me feel cheap and ungrateful. Did his 200K investment negate him for ever having to help with expenses?

Please help me understand how to deal with this because it is literally ruining our relationship and I am losing all respect for him as a partner.

Thank you
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Answered in 11 minutes by:
12/3/2013
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,862
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It appears that your boyfriend feels his contribution to your home entitles him to stay there whenever he wants to and also to eat any food you have available. From what you said, this seems like an "unspoken" agreement that he assumes the two of you have made. He may also be assuming he owns some of the home as a result of his contribution. Being that he is unemployed, he may also feel that you can support him until he finds work. Finally, he might be scared about his situation and just not telling you.

This situation needs to come out into the open. You are not required by any standards to stay silent and agree to this just because he provided the down payment. He had a choice as to whether or not to give the down payment. That does not require you to agree to any terms he decides on as a result. So talking about this issue between you is vital so there is no unspoken assumptions.

And if he is scared about is unemployment situation, he always has a choice about talking to you about it instead of just assuming he can do what he wants.

It is not wrong of you to bring this up. There needs to be understood boundaries in any relationship, but particularly when you are not living together and not married. What is yours is yours and the same for him. So talking to him is not wrong in any way.

When you talk to him, tell him that you appreciate his contribution to your home, but you need to set some boundaries so you both understand the rules. Then let him know what you are comfortable with. For example, he can stay over when he asks you and limit that to once or twice a week, if that works for you. Then tell him that if he wants to eat there, he can contribute to the food bill and/or ask you first before he helps himself to something to eat. It is fine to provide him with a sandwich here or there, just as you would anyone else you are close to, but he cannot go through your food and choose what he wants when he wants it.

If he does not agree to these rules, then you may need to consider counseling. He needs to understand that he cannot abuse you in order to make up for his contribution to your home.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
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Customer reply replied 3 years ago

Thank you. This is an excellent answer to my question.


 


I came from a very abusive marriage and it was particularly difficult to extract myself from it. I have major boundry issues and have a very difficult time setting and keeping them.


 


I have tried to discuss this issue in the past but he just does not understand. He is very intelligent – book smart – but on the other hand he just has no logical thinking and just does not get it. I cannot imagine going into his home and doing this to him. Last week he actually removed a cheesecake and took it home without even consulting me. WTH.


 


We do not go to his home because I have a 16 year old daughter that does not have visitation with her father and I will not leave her alone. That puts him in my home continuously.


 


We purchased the home with the thought we would live together but his 17 year old son will have nothing to do with it or me which has stagnated our relationship from growing any further.


 


I am at the end of my tolerance for this behavior. I would understand if it was a result from unemployment but it started a year before he even lost his job. I am a very independent person and I just do not understand how anyone could have the expectation that someone else would take care of their basic needs.


 


Thank you again.

You are very welcome!

It certainly sounds like he is crossing boundaries here and not caring about what you feel, especially if he has been doing this for a while now and doesn't have a good reason.

If he won't listen, it may be helpful to you to try counseling for yourself. That way, you can have support while you set those boundaries with him. Or you may find that the relationship is toxic and that he won't change. In that case, you deserve support until you decide what you want to do.

Kate
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