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Hello, I met a man online. My profile specifically said…

Hello, I met a man...
Hello,

I met a man online. My profile specifically said I was looking for a serious relationship. The man is a widower. I waited a month to contact him and the conversation was great. He asked to me that evening and I told him absolutely not I need to speak with you a few more times and he agreed. We met and I immediately liked him. We chatted for hours but I decided to go home. He asked me later to come over and have a drink at his house. I said no again we just met. He said he understood. We went out on a few dates which were okay. He told me that he never wanted to get married again because he didn't have it in his heart to love another woman like his wife who passed twelve years ago. I was very upset about this because I was clear in my profile about what I was looking for. He only wanted a companion. We continue to share each other's company (no sex-although he tried) and I became deathly ill and found myself in the hospital for almost two weeks. I thought he would bail because we just met but he came to visit twice and contacted me. He lost his job in the interim so we had a rough start. When I got out of the hospital he took me out on date and I had butterflies in my stomach. He told me he didn't meet anyone special and he got off the dating site he just had female friends. Again- he told me no marriage or not looking for love. I refused to sleep with him but the chemistry was there. He still came around and I made decision that I couldn't be involved in this because I was falling for him. He said he understood and he was at different stage of his life. A week went past and I missed him. We got together, I made him dinner and things happened (briefly-I might add). We had a disagreement and he left. He sent me a text and told me he is sorry he disappointed me. He said it was best we talk. I agreed. We were able to get over that hump. He helped me in my home went to the local hardware store with me and came over in the evening. We were intimate (no sex) and he told me after three hours he had to go. I don't know what made me ask but I asked before he left was he seeing someone and told me "Yes" I was in shock and completely hurt. He told me he told me two weeks prior which was not true. He told me he wanted to see where the relationship was going to go. The woman he is seeing just separated from her husband, doesn't have a place to live. He said she is a long time family friend. I'm so confused and hurt. He still comes around and said he wants to be my friend. He does anything for me but I just don't get this. He told me I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to do and then this woman just separated and she doesn't want to get married again. Should I cut off all communication? I don't want start saying crazy things and acting desperate. Please advise.
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Answered in 5 minutes by:
12/2/2013
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.


Type a hello when you join the chat and we'll get started, okay?

Customer:

hello

Customer:

I'm ready :-)

Dr. Mark :

Hi, I'm finishing reading your posting, so if you have anything more to add, go ahead

Dr. Mark :

The system says you're typing, so I'll wait, okay?

Customer:

Oh, I'm sorry. I just want to add he is 52 and I'm 43.

Dr. Mark :

This is very sad. You care about him but he's acting like he's "fishing": seeing who he can reel in first. Does it seem like that to you?

Customer:

It seemed like that at first but he told he was dating another woman when he met me. After I got out of the hospital, he told me he was no longer speaking to this woman. I have no idea where this other woman popped up from. He told me he has a lot of respect for me and doesn't want to treat me like the other women which he doesn't. I just don't understand if I have my only place, no baggage, a good career and single how can he dump me for a separated woman. He told me I deserve more than what he can give and this woman doesn't want marriage however he wants to spend time with me.

Customer:

Should I break off communication with him?

Customer:

I can't be friend's with him at all. I tried to compromise and pretend I accept this arrangement but I don't.

Dr. Mark :

I'm not sure if we're ready yet to make that decision about, but it certainly seems like we're heading in that direction of you breaking off.

Dr. Mark :

One of my questions is: do you want to have kids?

Customer:

Not at my age.

Dr. Mark :

Okay. Next:

Dr. Mark :

you're 43 and he's 52.

Customer:

I did but it just not in the cards. He had a vasectomy

Customer:

Yes

Dr. Mark :

That's great now, but you

Dr. Mark :

are in the health field so I feel comfortable bringing this up:

Dr. Mark :

when you're in your 60s he's in his 70s and men age differently.

Dr. Mark :

Is that okay?

Customer:

Yes- I'm okay with that. He appears to have some issues now. I don't know if it's stress.or not. He lost his job and he is having financial difficulties he told me. I wanted to be there for him (not give him money) just supportive. I don't know why he goes to the casino though. I think he has erectile dysfunction.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, great. But,

Dr. Mark :

he's not showing himself to be that 52 year old you'd like to marry, don't you think?

Dr. Mark :

I'm very concerned for you:

Dr. Mark :

You are clearly a very nice person: you're level headed,

Customer:

hmmm, I guess you're right. That's what he tells me.

Dr. Mark :

you are intelligent, you are emotionally alive,

Dr. Mark :

and you have values.

Dr. Mark :

And he keeps pushing the envelope with you.

Dr. Mark :

He knows your intentions, he knows he's not ready to fulfill them,

Dr. Mark :

but he keeps trying to push for intimacy.

Customer:

Yes- this is true.

Dr. Mark :

This is an indication of who someone is as a human being, do you agree?

Customer:

I agree. He also knows I was in DV relationship last year.

Customer:

Maybe I should just hold off a bit.

Dr. Mark :

I agree:

Dr. Mark :

I'm not sure this is a definite goodbye.

Dr. Mark :

But I think that this is a case where you have to look carefully at yourself.

Dr. Mark :

Meaning:

Dr. Mark :

I know my values, I know he's not on the same page at this time;

Dr. Mark :

why am I moving forward in getting emotionally attached to him?

Dr. Mark :

Is it in line with my goals in life?

Dr. Mark :

Or is it because I'm lonely?

Dr. Mark :

I need to move forward in life, not look for a short term intimacy that will hurt eventually.

Customer:

I think because I'm lonely and I don't want to be. I thought because he hung in there while I was in the hospital he wanted to be there for me. He said he only wants a companion and not looking for love.

Dr. Mark :

Right.

Customer:

I will back away. People don't expect me to be single and lonely but I am.

Dr. Mark :

But you're making something from his being there that may not be what it means to him.

Dr. Mark :

You're acting as though it meant he was emotionally attached to you. That is what it would mean to YOU, because you're that kind of person.

Dr. Mark :

But for him, it seems to have not meant a specialness of intimacy as it would for you.

Dr. Mark :

So you have to see it in his terms, not yours.

Dr. Mark :

And right now, it is time for you to hone in on YOUR values, not his, okay?

Customer:

That's a logical way to put it. Yes Dr. Mark- You're right.

Dr. Mark :

May I paste in for you something I've written for people when moving on in their lives?

Dr. Mark :

How to meet Mr. Right?

Customer:

Yes

Customer:

Thank you

Dr. Mark :

Okay, give me a moment to get it. While I'm doing that, make sure you're comfortable with where we've gotten to in the discussion, okay?

Customer:

I'm comfortable.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, here it is and I truly wish you the very best because I meant every nice thing I said about you.

Dr. Mark :

Here it is:

Dr. Mark :

Now for your life. Why do I say your life? Because you are not going to find Mr. Right by just looking for "a guy" who happens to look great and is good in bed and enjoys you on the side. You've got to treat finding Mr. Right as part of living YOUR life. You are clearly a woman with values. You are not looking simply for sexual gratification. You are looking for a human being who wants to share his life with you and who values who you are.


That's why we're going to focus on goals, strategies, and plans. I want you to take a sheet of paper or on the computer if you prefer and on that paper write your Healthy Relationship Goals. Examples: make 3 close friends in the next 3 months; or go on dates with interesting men at least 4 times in the next 3 months, etc. So you see they don't need to even be goals for just relationships with men, but can be social relationships. Because the more social you are, the more you build your ability to express yourself socially instead of just career wise, the more you will feel comfortable expressing yourself to Mr. Right on a date. You need to feel comfortable sharing your inner self with other people on lots of different levels: acquaintances, friends, confidantes, and dates.


Next, I need you to take another sheet or underneath the goals in the same sheet write Strategies for my Healthy Relationship Goals. For each of the Goals, I want you to write strategies. For example, if your goal is to go out 4 times in 3 months, strategies might be: I want to identify the type of interests men you'd be interested in would have. Then I want to ask yourself where would they go to fulfill those interests. For example, if an interesting man needs to be someone who is into fitness, then he would be a member of a fitness club. If he needs to like art, then he would be a member of the Art Museum and go to gallery openings. If he needs to be spiritually oriented, then he might need to be attending church or a meditation class.


Then, you need to write on a separate piece of paper or underneath each Goal and Strategy: Plans for how to succeed with your strategies. So to continue the example above, you might write: my plan is to go to the 6 most popular fitness studios and check them out to see what their membership looks like and what kind of activities are there. Or for art, I plan to join the Art Museum and to go to an art opening at a gallery at least twice per month and maybe 3 times. Or if you are interested in religion, checking out 3 congregations for active ones that have social events.


These are examples of strategies and plans. I'm trying to focus you on your life interests. What do you want to do to further your having a meaningful life? Remember, Mr. Right needs to fit into what's meaningful to you, so look for him in activities that bring out what's meaningful in your life. And look only at men who have a "clear title" they can show you...


Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

Thank you :-) I appreciate it.

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified
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