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My boyfriend seemed to have ended the relationship by ignoring

me. I emailed him twice...
My boyfriend seemed to have ended the relationship by ignoring me. I emailed him twice during the past three weeks and havent heard from him at all. Our relationship had its difficulties but I love him although I feel that it is best for us both to let go.
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Answered in 5 minutes by:
12/2/2013
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

Hello Rafael, thanks for your time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, thank you for being here.

Customer:

I want to make things right but afraid to make it all worse am keeping my distance.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be very frustrating to find yourself trying to figure out what happened, since he just chose to end communication, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Could you please tell me about the core issues that have been affecting your relationship, how long were you dating and how do you feel now about it?

Customer:

Yes. It is hurtful but it gives me hope that maybe he is reviewing everything. Still it would be good if he communicated that with me rather than ignoring me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, it is a matter of basic respect.

Customer:

We have known each other for two years and been together for a year. We have been through a lot.

Customer:

It does not sound good.

Customer:

Soon after we started dating I got pregnant, he asked me to have termination on the basis that we were not married, I am separated, he is black, I am white, he is young and I am older etc etc

Customer:

Since then we tried to get pregnant but I miscarried three times. There has been a lot of anger, blame, sadness, anxiety.

Customer:

Anyhow, this is history.

Customer:

To fast forward ...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad and painful indeed.

Customer:

Few months ago we decided to make a fresh start, to move away and build a home of our own.

Customer:

I got promoted to manager, however, he was not keen on moving with me and I was angry, felt let down and didn trust him. I felt lonely and diserted. Esp as it happened soon afetr my third pregnancy which I lost in the third month.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There has been real deep loss in your relationship

Customer:

I felt he was growing distant: less tel calls, text messages, emails etc. I was busy with work and he used to get upset if I didnt take A call straight away. He used to have headaches if he knew I had to attend a meeting, conference ... my boss is a male and he appeared to have an issue with that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems that while you doing your best working on the relationship, taking care of its integrity and growth, he was doing the opposite, sabotaging it.

Customer:

I asked him once why he doesnt call and he told me that he is not sure if anyone will hear him at the other end. He does not seem to trust me and when I do not answer my phone he seems to think Im with another man. Yet Iam encouraging him to move with me.

Customer:

I too feel he is sabotaging it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then his personal issues and biases got in the way undermining your relationship.

Customer:

When I try to talk to him about it he takes offence and tells me I am always right, he is wrong, that he always has to defend himself, that he just wants to relax. I told him I am trying to communicate and that i too want to relax.

Customer:

Latest problem he has is that I want to go away.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His behaviors and words do not make sense but sound very manipulative, creating excuses for his own withdrawal and lack of commitment, without being truly honest, open and accountable.

Customer:

I have been through a lot so I wanted to go away during Christmas and New Year to India. First he was upset and then I suggested I post pone my trip but he said he wants me to go because he loves me and wants me to put my health back on track, comeback and we shall see how it goes from there.

Customer:

I asked him to clarify and he told me that he wants to see how I change, who am I going to be once Im back. He seems to mind that I have changed over the past few months.

Customer:

He told me he wont see me, talk to me as he will miss me whilst I am away and he wants to get used to me not being around. It sounds contradictory and extreme.

Customer:

How can I feel closer to him after I return if he choses to be like this?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then what is he expecting? A more codependent version of yourself, who would take and enable the lack of reciprocity, honesty, caring and accountability, manipulation and lack of sensitivity for what truly matters?

Customer:

I do not belive him.

Customer:

He never clarified what he expects. Not directly. He told me he wants to be my number one and only person in my life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you, it does not make sense and continues to seem very manipulative

Customer:

He tells me things that I question his sanity and motives. Im not sure if he is honest or just tries to shock me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Things like?

Customer:

He seems to have intensified his offensive since I tried to end our relationship. I was just tired from everything and thereis onlyso many times he can tell me that he is not a man for me.

Customer:

For instance, he told me that all I care about is having a child and that his job is to get me pregnant.

Customer:

Also ...

Customer:

He told me that if we had a child he would leave as that child would that love away from him and there would be nothing for him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very hurtful after everything that happened.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

OMG that's awful to hear,specially after all you went through

Customer:

He became quite crude when we are intimate. He doesnt want me to say we are making love but ...

Customer:

If initiate anything he tells me I need to speak his language. Which is no longer loving.

Customer:

He also started to look at other women when we go out. I suspect he is trying to provoke me. I asked him about it and he told me he is missing 'it' yet he witholds his affections and all is on his terms.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These are all very insensitive and emotionally abusive behaviors

Customer:

We used to enjoy being close and last time we met he accused me of wanting only physical pleasures.

Customer:

Before that he asked me what would happen, what would I do if he wouldnt be able to perform?

Customer:

I love him, its not about just that. yet he seems to be hurting me and pushing me away in every sense.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then he has been really working on making things appear as your personol issues pushing him away, while in reality he has been sabotaging it from long ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with that

Customer:

I cannot trust him anymore because if I were to talk to him and we laugh, agree all is well ... sooner or later he will impose something like punishment on me and tell me it is because I said this or that.

Customer:

I feel guilty because all this has started since I told him I let go of my child a year ago and now Im letting go of us. I felt I had nothing to give. I too have weak moments.

Customer:

I just need love and support from him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, he just does not show maturity nor even respect, it would be self-sabotaging to trust him, exposing yourself to the same manipulative game

Customer:

i told him I felt lied to and deserted as he was supposed to move with me but I had to go through the move and everything all on my own. he accused me of not supporting him and keeping some score.

Customer:

I am aware of it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are right, it's shocking to trust and shape your life around another person and then find yourself alone and betrayed.

Customer:

Its just that he did not used to be like this. I do not know what has changed. i would love to talk to him but I doubt he will be open and honest. He will blame me, if I try to present my point of view he will accuse me of wanting to be right and its a vicious circle.

Customer:

I still hope and wish to make it right.

Customer:

If I call him I wonder if he will take it I amweak.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not believe people get totally transformed in short periods of time but that people could not be truly open and honest, hiding things, and when start showing more it could be this shocking.

Customer:

He told me he wants me to be strong as I used to be. I am having counselling at the moment to deal with the pain of miscarriages and termination. He knows this and feels uncomfortable that he may be mentioned in these sessions so I reassured him that Im not talking about him.

Customer:

I have known him for two years and was close to him for one year. Could he have been pretending to be nice for that long? I saw glimpses of his current self but nothing to this extent I dont think.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems very selfish for him to be worried about that instead of showing some sensitivity and understanding towards you. Therapy cannot work at all without you allowing yourself to trust and vent, his his expectations is very selfish and damaging.

Customer:

I find it beneficial so I continue to go. I see that indirectly he has tried to manipulate me so that i dont end up going.

Customer:

I suspect it is all tied to him wanting to be my everything. Yet he is not even around.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, people could play roes for years in order to get what they want, personality disorders could be this serious, and his behaviors from the very beginning m when he justified the way he did pushing you to have an abortion clearly shows it.

Customer:

I really feel as if he despises me these days. I am not sure what have I done.

Customer:

re abortion I remember when he told me that if I do not listen to him 'now' I never will. He was asking me to consider his feelings, told me how he wants to be a good father and for us to wait. Sometimes I am angry and feel it was all just lies. Yet he does not use protection. He seems to want me to get pregnant and as it didnt happen he tells me that it is because I do not want it enough.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not blame yourself for his own dysfunctional and abusive-manipulative behaviors. That's what he wants to have power over you, to manipulate you even more.

Customer:

I wonder if he feels stressed because I cannot get pregnant.

Customer:

It seems so extreme though although he does like to have control.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember that he was the one pushing and then punishing you because of getting pregnant,then it is necessary for you to be very mindful of reality. I believe he could feel guilty but not because he cares but because it makes him feel inadequate.

Customer:

He tries to tell me who to see, speak ... and I try to be reasonable yet not allow him to dominate. I think that bothers him and I suspect now he intensified his ways. However, when I start to think this way I am afraid that I became twisted.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's not good at all, these are clear abusive patterns

Customer:

Yes, I suspected it is about his ego otherwise he would not be putting blame on me and making me feel even worse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right

Customer:

I recognise that but I believe/ hope that maybe it isnt.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you to be very realistic and not to trust words but actions, and time will show and confirm what is real and what is not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You;d know. The best approach is to prevent further deterioration of her mood and health.

Customer:

Long time ago he asked me if I was ever hit. I said no but to this day that question of his remained in my mind. Recently when he came to visit and wanted to intimate and I didnt, he pushed me agressively away from him as I was trying to hug him. He then shut himself in the bathroom before slumming the door in my face. That was a bit of a breaking point for me and it is making me keep my distance now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She needs intensive psychological treatment more than drugs. They would try to medicate her for sure, and I hope her and you could carefully assess the pros and cons of using psychiatric medication and focus on her rehabilitation process with psychotherapy.

Customer:

Rafael, I am not sure what you meant by your last comment. Do you mean him?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry I accidentally press the ctrl v in my keyboard and this got pasted

Customer:

I understand.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, it was very odd for him to ask you that

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know he has been this way, all these behaviors are more than just red flags, they are hurtful and abusive, showing you how many serious issues he has

Customer:

I wonder if he has a tendency to be physically violent. I can certainly see suppressed anger. Not sure why it feels it is directed at me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's a very realistic and necessary concern you should have based on your experiences

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person has poor coping skills, poor assertiveness and does not know how to effectively cope with painful emotions from personal issues and mistakes, those feelings turn into anger, and from there into violence

Customer:

In conclusion, I am not sure what to do for the best. Do I try to talk to him? Do I give it sometime? Do I wait for him to reach me and if he doesnt move on?

Customer:

So what are his struggles?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you have already done more than necessary, and going behind him would only codependently enable further neglect, abuse and manipulation. I think you should wait now and focus on taking good care of yourself, If this person truly cares about you, he would contact you and make efforts to work on the relationship, to deserve you and your love

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see he has not doing much of that for long

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember that your first need, right ad responsibility is to respect, understand, love and support yourself, in order to truly take good care of yourself; since it is from there that you would be able to set healthy boundaries and limits and build good relationships, without allowing people to use, abuse,manipulate or neglect you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I have no idea about his core issues, but what I see from your story is that he has serious personal issues leading him to be this selfish, insensitive and manipulative and those are behaviors that should not be tolerated at all, otherwise they would get worse.

Customer:

With me going away and him cutting communication, is it his way of making me guilty and making me chose between him and something else that may take my attention from him?

Customer:

Or it a case of him leaving me.

Customer:

I believe he has abandonment issues. His father died when he was very little. For that reason I do not want to make him feel I abandoned him but I feel that way now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, I think this could perfectly be the case since it is consistent with his pattern. he has been telling you all these hurtful things and acting this selfish and then tells you to go and enjoy it and then ends all communication, That is not only selfish but abusive for a person in his shoes, even more when you are this vulnerable, and he has played a key role leading things to the present point. It does not look good at all.

Customer:

Why is he ignoring my emails?

Customer:

I thought of being very direct with him and telling him that I see what he is doing but if he wants to make things work he has to change.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is not a naive and vulnerable child but an adult who has been disrespectful, poorly caring, manipulative and inconsistent towards you, and that now chooses to end communication this way. I think you need to be much more objective facing what reality shows you, otherwise this person and other people could easily manipulate you, even more when emotionally attached and this vulnerable because of everything that happened.

Customer:

Would confronting him work?

Customer:

I am just wondering if staying away and see what happens is the best option. If he does contact meat some stage maybe he will be more open to communication.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. Without him acknowledging his personal issues and the problems and pain caused in this relationship, taking full responsibility for his own choices words, feelings and actions, there is no way anything healthy and fulfilling could arise from it.

Customer:

I agree. One more question if may.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Healthy, assertive confrontation of dysfunctional behaviors is always necessary,unhappily based on what you described here, I do not think he would take it well if he has been this poorly mature without it. I think it is better to focus on yourself, and if he wants to work on himself and on the relationship, if he truly deserves you he would work on it, otherwise he would just try to manipulate you by similar behaviors.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure

Customer:

He told me last time we met that he doesnt like me because I do not know how to play the game of life. He wouldnt clarify what he meant. I should just forget about his riddles but it stayed in my mind as if he was really trying to tell mesomething.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No matter what he could have meant, it shows he is not open and honest, respectful and caring about you and your feelings, and without that it would be impossible to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Those are not ways to show respect, affection to be honest and caring, understanding and supportive, but to be manipulative, and to avoid taking full responsibility for his own actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he'd happen to be clear, honest , accountable and caring about the rules and consistent complying with them, working with you as a real adult, then things would have been totally different.

Customer:

Thanks Rafael. You see, I know him and I know he expects me to approach him, talk to him, get him to tell me what is the matter. Part of me feels I should do so.Part of me is rebelling and I do not want to play the game of constantly tending to his needs - it feels like that anyhow. I helped to develop this pattern and now the question is how to break it. Because when I tend to myself and not him, he feels I do not love and care for him.

Customer:

Thank you for your time and assistance. I dont think there is anything I can add.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I believe he is the only one who can do the work he needs to do on himself, and that trying to do even more could codependently enable further dysfunction and pain for you, without helping him, but reinforcing his distortions. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer:

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Hello Rafael, thank you for the time you spent talking to me the other day. I am struggling to accept how things have developed/ turned out. I contacted my boyfriend after we havent talked for three weeks or so. He sounded a little down at first but then seemed happy to be talking to me. We talked for a long time and I thought all was well, that we made a head-way and I was happy. He told me he struggled that I found it difficult to forgive him the abortion I had. Our conversation made me realise it is time to let go and by holding onto grief, blame, regret ... it is not going to help me nor anyone close to me. I sent an appreciation letter/ email to my boyfriend thanking him for all the lovely things he did for me and all the reasons I love him. I called him next day, he sounded distant and then at some point got extremely angry and told me he does not want to see me at Christmas, that my first choice was to go away and not be with him. For that reason, as he put it I am dead to him. He told me other things which I wont repeat but in a nutshell he told me I am to blame for everything, I have led everything to this. He is not interested in being with me although he said that he still loves me. I never saw him like this before, the other day he pushed me away ... our relationship is totally out of control. I am trying to keep it together but ... I called him the next day, he sounded happy and I was too. We had a quick chat, 30 mins or so and I ended the conversation and could tell he was not happy with that. I did feel guilty and didnt want to call again the same evening but called the next day, he sounded tired so I just asked me to call me later. He said ok and I asked if he could tell me approx when is he going to call so that I can plan my time? He got a little angry and asked what am I planning to do so I said going to the gym etc He still wouldnt tell me when he would call - he said he will call and if Im available we will talk. I always struggle to agree with him on even the simple things. He accuses me that all is on my terms but I feel it is always on his terms. He did call - I was not sure if he would - we spoke briefly, I ended the call saying he is tired. I asked him during that conversation how did he feel during the past three weeks when I didnt call him? He got a little defensive and wouldnt answer as if he was suspicious of my motives why am I asking. I probed and asked did he feel as if I didnt care about him. He said no and added that he too didnt call me. He struggles to give me straight answers as if he thinks I have some alterior motives for asking. When he got angry with me the other day he told me that he lies, he is no good and I shouldnt be with him ... He leaves me confused and it is so hard to let go. I love him and we could be happy but he is always analysing, looking for undercurrents, doesnt seem to trust me and we can never really relax in our relationship. He makes me feel guilty that it is my fault. Itry to be reasonable, straight with him but Im not sure if it works. I feel that instead of just loving me he is constantly testing my boundaries. My sanity too because I do not know what is going on anymore. That makes me scared because I question is this a technique to wear me down so that we have no relationship but it is all about him and i just follow? He was angry when I post-poned my trip and suggested we spend festive period together: I do not understand why he cannot be just pleased. Why does he have to be even more angry?Whatever I do is no good: if I call, if I dont call - I am always accused of not caring, not doing enough. As I am writing all this Im realising just unhealthy all this is. He can be a lovely person, I do not know what changed and I even blame myself for making him this way. I think he has won, got under my skin and I barely recognize right from wrong and am running around circles. When I try to reason with him he gets angry. I invested so much of myself that I feel that if I give that bit more he will see that all is good. I try to break a pattern so that we have more balanced relationship but I see it is not working unfortunately. I thanked him for calling me yesterday and he said "Pleasure". I am so low that it hurt when he said it. Rafael, if I dont call him I feel Im neglecting him yet I know calling him is not the answer. I have no idea why do I feel this way. Why do I feel responsible for his happiness when Im hurting and I too need love. I am completely run down and do not know how to save myself. I feel crushed and it has started to affect my work too. I want to stop contact with him: do I tell him that or do I just stop all communication?

I am very sorry to know about these overwhelmingly serious and painful situations. I can tell you with confidence that this is, as you said, totally unhealthy, destructive, and I think you would not get anything good from this person/relationship but only further abuse, neglect, manipulation and pain.

I do believe you have become addicted to him and that's why you are experiencing these distorted feelings and behaviors. Love & sex addiction is how it is known, even when it is only about feeling, feelings and sex or only sex. Please, do look for professional individual and if possible group psychotherapy, since this is very serious, you should not expose to this abusive person any longer, because of the impact he 's having in your life and health. I support the total no communication approach as the only way to work on your rehabilitation process, otherwise I believe you would self-sabotage and enable his ego and abuse even more. Please also look for a support group for codependency or love addiction. It is and would be tough, but necessary and worthy, since it is about your heal, happiness and well-being. Please trust your support system and commit to therapy.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Thanks Rafael, I am not surprised with your answer as all this feels incredibly destructive and unhealthy. I have no idea how I got to this and how to get out. Part of me feels it is good that we are long-distance, if we were not I feel/ fear that would be the end of me. Its not that Im addicted I dont think, its just that I feel terribly guilty. When I was in pain after abortion, miscarriages I wanted to be on my own and maybe I did not communicate that to my boyfriend in a most loving way. I did push him away and it must have been hard for him too but I did not see it. Now that I am better, now he wants to leave and I feel so hurt because just as I got over the losses now I have to face another blow, another loss and that is the loss of him. I am unable to think straight because of everything that happened and I question if the fault lies with me and how can I correct it. Anyhow, it will be easier to have no contact. Shall I let him know I wont be in touch? It seems like a decent thing to do.

It is your excessive and distorted guilty what shows the addictive nature of it. Everything you reported here shows very serious abuse, and that you may suffer serious codependency issues, leading to this self-blaming and self-sabotage. I do not see anything you could have done here to cause his abuse , neglect and manipulation, which seems to be his personal serious issues and not tors at all. The problem has been that your vulnerability, lack of self-esteem and sense of self-worthiness, undermined by codependency, have literally enables his abuse all this long.

Please, I strongly suggest you that if you contact him, do by email message. Do not expose to him any more or your chances for relapsing are %99.9 Please look for and commit to individual psychotherapy and to a support group, plus trust your family and close friends for you to be able to heal from this painful experience, to rehabilitate from codependency and grow from this tough period in your life.
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Rafael, I see your point. I feel guilty because I have been laying my negative feelings on him for a long time and I suspect he feels guilty for what happened. He wanted to make things right and we were trying to get pregnant but as it didnt happen he feels guilty. I agree the way he is going about it is not the right way and not not right way for me. He caused the pain in the first place and despite that I am hoping he will give me medicine. Thats the paradox. Thank you for your advice.

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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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