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Possible disinterest, need advice. Im 38 and began a situation…

Possible disinterest, need advice. Im...
Possible disinterest, need advice. Im 38 and began a situation with a girl (41) 3 months ago. It as a lot of fun to start, great sex, great connection. But she would rarely communicate during the week, just the odd text message, then she would be content to come over on weekend nights for our fun. The lack of communication was getting to me so I decided to end things. I felt awful after i did. She then wrote me saying she wanted to continue, that shes just immersed in issues revolving herself, her son, and her ex husband. I agreed to continue what we have and without putting expectations on her and that i know it wont develop into a relationship at this point and that id like to continue but be free to date other people. She agreed. But things have gotten worse since then, shell take forever to confirm or turn down a plan, shell seldom make the effort to see me. I like what we had, and dont want to feel horrible ending things again, but dont want to be disrespected either, and i kinda feel i am (not a abusive way, shes very friendly, but in the way i described). Advice? thanks
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Answered in 2 minutes by:
12/1/2013
Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,314
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems very frustrating.

Customer:

thats ok, any advice is appreciated. Or if more details are needed, let me know, thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see your main concern here is abut how this relationship has not worked mainly because of lack of reciprocity, starting by basic respect towards you. You have enjoyed each others company but that has been it. Her pattern has been very inconsistent, disrespectful and immature...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You feel uncomfortable ending it again, but I think this fear is more about the way you care than about any real hope leading you to believe and feel that this relationship could evolve into anything truly fulfilling and whole in the present and in the long run

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think that without mutual honesty and respect, there is no way any relationship could develop as a healthy and fulfilling experience, and unhappily her behaviors show the lack of both, and every time you tolerate this abusive/neglectful pattern, you literally enable her to continue doing it even more, over and over again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You went from dating with regular expectations, to basically a non-exclusive relationship, without much expectations but to enjoy each other, but she has not been even capable nor willing to show consistency, respect and maturity under those conditions either.

Customer:

Yup pretty much. It started as something mutual, and now pretty much feeling that im at her disposal when she feels like it. Its not my character to allow that but at the same time your emotions, fear, and sensitivity can drag you there.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Her words could sound nice and promising something good, buy er actions show you reality, and how manipulative and dishonest she has been, then I do not see anything healthy about you trusting this person feeling this down, and perpetuating a relationship that is far from acceptable and healthy for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and it seems to have become very codependent, since her pattern is clear but you keep taking it more and more our of fear of "hurting her"? What about you respecting and taking good care of yourself? I do not think that you would hurt her by being consistent and assertive facing this situation the way it is, but that you actually are empowering her ego to become even more distorted by pleasing her this way , enabling her disrespectful/neglectful approach.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What could be healthy and truly constructive and fulfilling by perpetuating this relationship? I do not see it is worthy at all, but the cons are many while the pros have significantly reduced.

Customer:

I was certainly willing to try the 'no expectations' thing and continue to just enjoy the time we had together. I dont really fear 'hurting her' i think at this point, more about 'hurting myself' and about ending a situation that i truly enjoyed. But totally agree im enabling a disrespecful approach to me. Its not really that difficult to send a text message saying 'im coming over' or 'not' instead of waiting until the nights practically done. Yup too many cons, your pretty much confirming what i think i already know inside but fear acting on.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right. It does not take much to do simple things that allow at least basic respect between two adults, but she has systematically dismissing that, thus your feelings and everything involved.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe the sooner you take consistent action to take good care of yourself, and for her to do the same, the better. You cannot control her changes, but you need and are fully responsible for your own choices and actions, thus for takign good care of your life.

Customer:

hi, you still there? Says youve been typing for a while.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am still here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I though you were typing, replying to my input.

Customer:

Oh lol, no worries, think i got the advice i need. thanks, XXXXX XXXXX

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the last piece I sent: "




Right. It does not take much to do simple things that allow at least basic respect between two adults, but she has systematically dismissing that, thus your feelings and everything involved.







I believe the sooner you take consistent action to take good care of yourself, and for her to do the same, the better. You cannot control her changes, but you need and are fully responsible for your own choices and actions, thus for taking good care of your life.



Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

cheers, thanks. :)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you :o)

Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,314
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
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