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So basically, my ex fiance and I just broke up after 2 and

a half years of on...
So basically, my ex fiance and I just broke up after 2 and a half years of on and off relationship. We were engaged 5 months after we started talking but her father backed out due to some minor religious difference which my ex didn't agree with her father either. After her father backed out, we looked for other means to get married but I didn't man up coz my family wasn't happy anymore since they felt disrespected due to the broken engagement. We come from traditional background with traditional thinking, and consider both of ourselves as very traditional and old school. During our relationship, there was an abundance of fights, which even led her to slap me twice and third time when she did, I slapped her back. Since that day, it ended up being manipulated as "I beat her" and I am abusive. There were also times when I bad-mouthed her family after she put me through hell. Basically after this on and off, we never lost our love for each other, however due to pressure from work and health, I told her I can't check on her all the time coz we are just friends and she shouldn't expect more than that from me, but I said that coz she felt that I am dragging her on. She was hurt by what I said but asked to remain friends and be there for her, and I agreed to it. For past couple of weeks, I got really busy and wasn't able to check on her constantly, so she just decided to move on. I discovered coz we were having coffee last Sunday and she was talking differently. I started feeling something wasn't right and discovered that I am losing her so I freaked out and told her I'll do anything to marry her, but now she said "too late". And now she wants to find herself, and be herself again coz the relationship has changed her. I wrote her a letter and gave her flowers next day which she accepted and she thought letter should be framed since it was that good. But then I asked her to remain friends since I was there for her too but she turned that down too saying "I can't do it and I am a jacked up person for that but I can't put myself in that position again". I got upset at her and first she said that I should have given space and who knows if things would've gotten better, and after that she has blocked me on the phone and has cut off all communications. So, basically for past 4 days I've done everything I shouldn't have, and may have pushed her farther. Today I ran into her at a community gathering and each time she walked past me, she was smiling/smirking, but ignoring me (don't know why?). I asked her to not be awkward when I am there so we don't lose mutual friends and she agreed, then I spoke with her about what went wrong and what's the reason for all this distance and she kept pushing me away but I remained persistent so she explained everything to me. We had a good (detailed) but edgy conversation and she explained why, so in the end I told her to smile for me one last time, and she gave me a really nice one. So basically I told her, you are still smiling for me, you sure you can live without me? Additional smile but no comment. I am wondering if giving her space (how long?) will work at all or should I give up? She told me to only contact her via e-mail in future, and she seems to have her mind set, but when I asked her to smile, she genuinely smiled which can be a good sign or am I reading into it too much? I am her first love and she has never been in a relationship before this. She seems to have grip on things and I am really hurt. And I dunno if her smirk/smile around me is a sign of contentment that this is over or she's shy and awkward? Any advice please? Any hope? I know me and I know I can make things right, but I feel I have lost her coz a girl's final decision can't be influenced no matter what you do.
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Answered in 5 minutes by:
11/18/2013
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation

Customer:

Thanks Rafael!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is unfortunate to know how your relationship was this undermined by the lack of understanding and support from your fathers.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily you had serious issues already not allowing yo to effectively cope with such challenges, and the constant fights leading to physical violence could not have helped for sure.

Customer:

My father never had any problem in the beginning but now he feels that if I marry her, her family might not give me my due respect

Customer:

Exactly!

Customer:

And I take the blame for those mishaps as I am 8 years older than her and could have handled the situations better

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do agree with you that now respecting her boundaries, giving her space and time to reflect would be the best approach. It would not guaranty anything about reconciliation, but it will ensure you play a good role promoting your chances, then everything else would depend on her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right. Happily you recognize that and take full responsibility, learning from your experience and showing through consistent actions that you are not only about good intentions but able and willing to respect her, hoping you could have another chance.

Customer:

The only problem is that I would rather just move on if I don't stand a chance because it is hurting to see her act so normal I am afraid that if I do not something definitive soon, then it'll take me a long time to get over her

Customer:

Especially because we belong to same community and we do a lot of same activities

Customer:

The last time she texted me that she loves me was friday, and in on saturday she told me that she is enjoying her freedom, and she is all smiles about it. I am sure that friends' advice is not helping either

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Any decision you make must be based n what you truly feel you can and are willing to afford here, thus if you feel it woudl become overwhelming for you to wait for the period of time she may expect you to wait, or if she gives you no hope about a reconciliation in the near future, then I support your decision to face such reality and move on.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Just be absolutely truthful with yourself and honest with her. You have already showed her what you want and hope for, and if she does choose to keep her decision, then pushign her or yourself would not help for sure.

Customer:

The only thing that is keeping me hopeful is the fact that she could just be really mad at me for delaying this process and I didn't step up to the plate to just marry her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be, but it is also true that you were fighting a lot and pushing marriage when unable to even respect each other would not be a healthy step to take either.

Customer:

And since I am showing more actions by trying to talk to her older brother (which she told her brother not to do) and going to see her. The only thing that is tearing me apart more than anything else is that we have loved each other a lot despite of all the bad fights, and this is coming from her not me, however, just in matter of 5 days, she is pretending to be just fine and happy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You'd need to show yourselves / each other that you truly feel happy, comfortable and fulfilled by each other , and that can handle life issues and challenges as a real team, otherwise you would create a bigger conflicting situation, hurting both of you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why you should focus on doing your best to promote "healthy love", and if she does match your efforts, then perfect, otherwise it would not work.

Customer:

But how can I do that if she has blocked me on the phone, hasn't responded to e-mails and seems to simply just hate me? And she doesn't wanna hear from me other than e-mail.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then fully respect her boundaries and only contact her via email messages, letting her know what you feel, want and expect, that you are willing to work on it, giving her the time she needs, but if she confirms that she is not willing to reconsider your decision, that you would have to move on.

Customer:

Okay sounds good.

Customer:

If she doesn't respond to my e-mail then I guess that's an answer in itself

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. That's correct.

Customer:

I also feel that I have pushed her away even more because after I wrote her the letter and gave her flowers, she said "had I not insulted her via text, and given her space, who knows if she might have considered another shot"

Customer:

but now she doesn't want me to try at all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right. This is why you could confirm your apologies and let her know that you were serious about your intentions to gain back her love and that's what the flowers and the letter represent.

Customer:

And what is it that I can practically do to confirm that?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you could wait for a week or ten days and send this other email message just confirming your sincere affection towards her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By respecting her boundaries, not pushing her at all.

Customer:

Sounds good! Thank you so much for all your help! Before I was torn between parents' love over my own love.

Customer:

But I guess my happiness is my parents'

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once she sees that you are consistent respecting her boundaries, she will know that you are serious and honest about your words.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you and truly hope things work well for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

True, but the only unfortunate thing I did was I told her in an e-mail after my letter in person that I am okay with her decision

Customer:

I have been going through mood swings, so I:

Customer:

1. gave her letter asking for another chance

Customer:

2. e-mailed her saying I respect her decision

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why the email that you are going to send in one week to seven days you will let her know that what you really hope is to have a new chance in the future If she happens to share the same feelings.

Customer:

3. Another e-mail what has been the reason for my not being able to give her full attention and another chance

Customer:

4. Then I showed up to her work and tried to talk

Customer:

5. Then same day I ran into her at an event where finally we talked

Customer:

Now that I look at all of these things, I can see what is wrong with me :P

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then, please I do strongly suggest you to consider individual counseling or psychotherapy in order to work and taking good care of yourself and effectively coping with these mood changes and the challenges the situation presents.

Customer:

I think I will. Thanks Rafael!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. By for now.

Customer:

Bye!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Please remember to rate the session before leaving. Thank you)

Customer:

I just wanted to find out that if this e-mail is supposed to go now? "Then fully respect her boundaries and only contact her via email messages, letting her know what you feel, want and expect, that you are willing to work on it, giving her the time she needs, but if she confirms that she is not willing to reconsider your decision, that you would have to move on." And then a week later, I send her "other email message just confirming [my] sincere affection towards her."? Or should I just send one a-mail to her and that a week later?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, only one email a week from today.

Customer:

Ok thank you!

RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
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Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach

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