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how to get my ex girlfriend back

how to get my ex girlfriend back
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Answered in 5 minutes by:
11/15/2013
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your situation.

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

i spoke to you a little while ago

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long did you date and what was the core issue leading to the end of your relationship?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see.

Customer:

anyways, throughout that time, meeting her on the odd occasion didnt really work and we havent gotten anyway..

Customer:

we had a few arguments (not shouting ones) and remember the last time i spoke to you she was working on herself

Customer:

thats what she told me

Customer:

but after waiting 5 months, she still says that we are done

Customer:

there are mixed messages though

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I m sorry to know that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How is that?

Customer:

well first she said she wanted to wokr on herself... then slowly but surely she stopped texting me, when she found a new job.. after that we didnt see each for 7 weeks, and i bumped into her at the shops, after saying that ive been thinking of us, she said we can revisit this

Customer:

then at the gym on tuesdat this week, i asked her if she wanted to catch up sometime for that talk, and she said we are done, and she doesnt want me to hang onto false hope

Customer:

however, for some reason i dont believe her

Customer:

she still answers my calls if i call her but is very rude and defensive

Customer:

and she also said that she has met someone else, which im not sure is true or not

Customer:

i just dont know what to do, i cant seem to let go of this, and i feel we are meant to be together

Customer:

i sent her a text saying that i wish her all the best, XXXXX XXXXX down the track she will find the light in me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What leads you not to believe her and feel hope after 5 months when she has not allowed you to work on a reconciliation and told you multiple times that she does not want and is not willing to get back with you?

Customer:

becuase when i saw her at the shops, she hugged me and held my hand and i can feel that connection

Customer:

its not something i have felt before with anyone

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious you have attached to this person and tot the expectations you had about your relationship. Then has she continued doing that every time you have met and her hugs have been more than a simple friendship hug?

Customer:

yes , but the last time i saw her at the gym, it was not very good.. because i found some half naked pics she sent to some guy 4 months ago, and i forgave her for it, but she didnt like the fact i looked through her emails.. she was friendly but as soon as i brought up the relationship she said we are over. i dont know when to believe words with actions,

Customer:

i have so much faith in this.. but dont know how to handle it

Customer:

and dont know how to change her reaction to me

Customer:

because its not as serious as what she says, i truelly love her

Customer:

but she wont believe it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. the problem with it is the fact that this is your subjective experience, absolutely valid for you, since it shows what and how you feel about this person, but it should not be taken as reflecting something very different from what she has been telling and showing you through her consistent actions for the past 5 months, which is about her decision not to date you anymore. Obviously to come to terms with this reality is very painful, and while nobody knows what will happen in the future, and we could say there's always hope, you also need to take good care of yourself, working on better coping with it in order not to get more hurt in case she does not change her mind.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then that was a real, concrete situation where you saw how she is not only not thinking about you but engaging in sexual related behavior with other man, and that's not something you created in your mind, but you saw it, and it clearly confirms her decision showing you she is not working on getting back to you but on dating other people.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She sent this pictures only one month after you ended there relationship, what also shows she was not having a tough time grieving but already sharing with this other person. Mu suggestion is for you not to deny reality and attach to hopes or some nice words, but to listen to her words, which seems very clear telling you she does not want nor plan to even consider getting back together, and specially her actions, which also clearly show, that she is actively focused on dating other people.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am afraid that the more you insist to deny what reality shows you, while attaching to your hopes for a reconciliation that does not seem to be happening at all in the present, would only hurt you even more, leading you to self-sabotage and not to take good care of your grieving process. This would not help you to be and feel better and to take good care of your life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could keep some hope that in the future she could happen to change, but in the present, she and her actions and words are directly telling you she does not want to work on a reconciliation at ll, and only acknowledging that and focusing on processing this painful reality, you would be able to heal , get stronger and move on with your life.

Customer:

ok, so do i totally ignore this woman? or do i say hi like in a months time, or what do you recommend , because i know this woman, it will take ages for her to get intimate with anyone, as i saw when i first dated her, it took 6 months to sleep with her

Customer:

she will be just mingling, but i dont know what i should do in relation to contacting her and if i see her, do i ignore her

Customer:

how do i turn the tables

Customer:

there has to be a way

Customer:

if there is hope

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you rather focus on nor trying to push her into dating you, but to develop a healthy friendship, but only as long as you feel able and willing to do it and she shows the same, otherwise it would not be a good idea, since you would be pushing her and getting even more hurt.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, but it took her only a month after you ended the relationship for her to send this semi-nude pictures to another man, and I think that does not show much shyness or having a hard time sharing in a sexual way.

Customer:

you are right.. thats what i thought as well

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you cannot work on building a healthy friendship because of your conflcting feelings, emotions and expectations, then better you focus on setting and keeping good boundaries.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would not say that you need not to greet her when you see her, but not to engage in nothing more than what you can handle unless she changes her approach and looks for you .

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please start working on keeping distance from her for you to be able to heal and to enjoy your life,otherwise you could get deeply depressed, develop an anxiety disorder and undermine your health and life because of it.

Customer:

yeah i do go to the gym alot , which keeps me healthy and fit, but the hearth ache is terrible because we go to the same gym and she lives down the road from me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's a tough challenge, but you need to learn to cope with it since you cannot relocate that easily. This is why the boundaries need to be very consistent, otherwise it would not work for you. I woud suggest you to consider looking for another gym, that would help for sure.

Customer:

lol well whats even more tough and really tested my strength, was when i went to the gym and she was working out with another guy right in front of me and we didnt talk, but she saw me, and i just carried on doing what im doing.. what ide like to know is would this kind of thing gain at least some respect from her? if she knows i can do this and not care

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think you should base your decision on that at all, since it would create a lot of stress, undermining your ability yo enjoy your life and take good care of yourself, while obsessing about her. But if you can do this not because of showing her you can and to get her respect in such a fashion, then no problem. But if that's not the case, I do not recommend doing that at all, it would no help you for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

yes it does... i guess what will be will be. i feel i have no control over this and ive never felt this emotional before, its not good but i dont know where to start to get better

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Start by not making things even more complex and harder for you, and on sharing with other people, girl, good female friendships and enjoying it as much as you can, that way you could find a person who happens to be compatible with you and reciprocates your feelings and passion.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you have any further questions that I could assist you with?

Customer:

well i guess no, we cant answer all the questions... i guess i will have to continue to push through this.. im sure if she really wanted it, she would come back and express herself but at the moment she is happy like she told me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do agree with you and fully support your plan.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Time will tell, and right now you need to take good care of yourself and enjoy your life.

Customer:

yes.. well thanks for the chat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take good care

Customer:

i will

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good! Bye

Customer:

bye

RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
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Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach

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