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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.
Could you please tell me more about this your relationship and about this specific issue?
Thank you for joining the chat.
I have been with this woman for four months. I have known her about a year and a half. I love her with all my heart like ive never loved anyone before. But she has been going through alot lately with her kids and all and has has been really busy and stressed. We dont talk as much or hang out as much as we used to. But when I ask her she tells me there is nothing to worry about. But I just dont feel like she is as into me as she was when we first started. people tell me im parannoyed but i just continue to wonder. How do I get that fire back that we first had. I really love this woman and want to make it work
For how long have you been dating and how long ago did she change this much?
about a month ago when all the dramma started with her kids and her ex husband not wanting to take care of them. We been together 4 moths like I just said
Then on one hand she has not lied to you about having a hard time because of her children and other responsibilities...
issues with her ex-husband and other stressful things...
but it seems that you also see and believe that she still could have time, interest and caring about you and taking good care of your relationship, but shes does nto seem to be taking any consistent actions supporting her words , right?
Right and I have asked her several times if she is loosing interest and she has said no and I need to stop worrying. Do you think that continuing to ask that would be a bad idea?
I'm sorry I got disconnected
we did go to lunch yesterday but that was the first we hung out in a while. She was also telling me then about a few medical issues she was dealing with at lunch. When she dropped me off we got out of the car. Hugged and kissed and she said see babe I try to make time for you when I can.
How often did you used to share before this started, and how frequently did you say you have been sharing lately?
What do you mean share?
Was this a serious health issue she has been dealing with?
Sharing time together as a couple
What I see is that it effectively seems that she has been having a tough time trying to cope with multiple life issues, and that this could easily explain her changes and limited time and poor motivation to focus on your relationship, but at the same time, it is obvious that she seems to have significantly neglected you and the relationship because of trying to take care of these other responsibilities.
It would vary. Sometimes we would see each other a few times a week. Other times it would take a couple weeks in between. Depending on her kids. Yesterday was the first time in a month we shared time. She did tell me when we first started seeing each other before we official got together that her kids always come first no matter what. Her health issues have not been serious so far but if not taken car of they could turn serious
Then from the beginning she was totally clear, direct and honest about her kids being her top priority
Did you happen to agree when you were going to meet again?
I believe you have been doing the best anybody in your shoes could make, offering understanding, patience, empathy and support. Showing how much you respect, care and could cope with these tough challenges.
She said she was gonna try and get a sitter for this weekend but her mom and sister are out of town but she would try. We were gonna go to wendover with my brother for his twenty first birthday but he is having car troubles now so that is off.
Obviously she expects you to be able play this role but you also need to be very truthful with yourself about what and how much you can and are willing to afford in this relationship.
From your initial words and your consistency I can see you truly care about her, then please be very open and honest with her about the way you feel, how much you miss her, yoru time together and how you do care about her children and continue to support her as necessary, for her to be more proactive and take also good care of your relationship.
I love her with all my heart and any amount of time we spend is special
Since her children are the most important aspect of her life, as long as you support her and their relationship, that would be the best way to show her how serious and real you are about your commitment to her.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up , since I ma here willing to support you as possible.
Thank you that is good advice. I will follow through with that.
I have one other little thing to talk about. Not sure if this is a real issue or not.
She seems to be a very loving and committed mother having a tough time trying to cope with so much stress from several areas, and as long as you feel she is being honest and making an effort to work on building your relationship, it would be totally worthy to work on it being patient and understanding, she will know how to appreciate and be grateful because of it.
Please tell me
I work for a temp service and she works behind the counter. We have to hide our relationship at work cause we would lose our job. She has to talk to guys all day at work and it bothers me. She tells me I cant let it bother me and I dont have to worry about her like that. Yesterday her and this guy where joking about getting married right in front of me and that really bothered me but I didnt say anything. She has never givin me a reason before to believe she has cheated on me. But yet I those thoughts go through my head everytime I see her talking to and laughing with a guy at work. And I have always been this way in the past no matter how much I trust someone and I do trust her. People tell me Im parranoid. Some even say I suffer from something called paranoid personality disorder. As a therapist im sure you have heard that term. So how do I stop those paranoid thoughts?
The first thing I suggest you to do is not to hide this from her
You are a couple and as such, for you to build a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship, you need to be totally open and honest with each other.
You have an agreement and it makes sense since none of you want to be unemployed
but since this situation presents obvious challenges and could easily lead yo overwhelming frustration, fear and misunderstanding, you both need to be very assertive and direct , sharing and talking about anything that may bother you.
You just described a concrete scenario tht would trigger the very same reaction you had to most people in your shoes, and it does not take a personality disorder for a person to feel this concerned
Talking about it would allow you to get clarification and real understanding instead of getting wounded and repressing fears and pain, that could only undermine your personal health and the relationship.
I have not hid it from her. I have told her several times that it bothers me watching her talk to guys. But she is a customer service rep and she has to talk to guys and be friendly. Its part of her job. In fact I have told her so many times that she has told me that I say this too much and she has always been reassuring when she tells me not to worry. So I dont say anything anymore. Im not saying im proud of it. But I have even read through her text messages when she left the room with her phone out and found nothing suspicious
I see you acknowledge having this personal issue from past relationships, and it is wise for you not to deny nor avoid working on it, and I believe this situation is extra stressful and perhaps overwhelming for you because of your past experiences plus her lack of enough assertive communication
I see, then please trust what you see rather than your fears distorted by past negative experiences,and allow yourself to vent in healthy ways, since both extremes are dysfunctional, to push her with these fears all the time, as well as to deny what you feel and not do something assertive about it. Counseling and psychotherapy are the ideal sources of support for anybody to work on himself to make necessary and effective changes.
But how do I go about it when she has told me I get so jealous to the point that if someone says hi to her I get upset? She told me at one point that if I kept it up it would eventually drive her away. And I have seen solid proof right in front of my face that she has been totally faithfull. Yet when I see her talk to guys I get worried. Its not the actual talking to guys that upsets me but rather the reading way too much into it. And I have talked to her about it so much to the point of seeming rather possessive
Then you need individual psychotherapy in order to work on rehabilitating from this dysfunctional pattern, otherwise, just as she already told you, you would end ruining the relationship because of these abusive suspicions, not based on reality but on your personal unresolved past issues.
Just hearing an expert say that it is not based on reality but unresolved past issues makes me feel alot better. Thank you for all of your help.
You're very welcome . Thank you for your trust.
Take good care.