I'm sorry the chat ended. But I'll answer you here, okay?
Let me say again how wonderful it is that you and your husband have started to communicate in a real and genuine way. It must feel SO much better. So, remember: communication is like water to a flowering plant: you have to keep doing it. You can't just water the plant once or a little while and expect it to blossom and flower continually, right? The two of you need to treat your marriage like a beautiful flowering plant that you keep nurturing and blossoming. Let him read my answer as well.
Money is one of those issues that is so important to discuss. Gottman brings it up in his book as well. So I'm so glad the two of you have begun to address it.
Money is a practical issue that invades the emotional intimacy of a marriage. Therefore, you have to first deal with the emotional aspects of the money issue and then you'll be able to deal with the practical issues much more happily.
This means the two of you have to share with each other what the money issue means to you. I'm working with one couple right now via Skype, for example. They both felt there was a lack of closeness, real intimacy (as well as sexual intimacy) in their marriage. And as we explored what it would take for each of them to want
to feel closer to the other person, one of the first things the wife mentioned was that she feels humiliated that she isn't a signatory on any of the accounts in the family. She was a homemaker all the years; and she feels unhappy that she has to ask him for any money other than the usual money he deposits into the account. And that she worries what will happen to her if something happens to him and so she feels he tries to be controlling that way.
He was shocked. He had no idea. He thought she was happy not having the responsibility. So he made her a signatory on the accounts and they went to see an attorney about how to structure their savings, his business, etc. so that she would be able to carry on if he were incapacitated, etc.
This is just an example of how dealing with the emotions made dealing with the practical parts easier and more effective. That she was able to share how she felt about the finances opened everything up. I don't know if it will be as easy in your situation. I mean that money for them was not so central in their lack of communication and intimacy. It was easier to deal with because of that. For your marriage it might mean more than just one of you sharing how it makes you feel.
But even if it will require a number of honest conversations, it starts with sharing your feelings. And it has to be done in the spirit of watering the flowering plant of your marriage. Not accusatory on either side, but trying to share what the feelings are now and seeking together to find how to make both of you feel better in the future about money.
That's the way to do this. So start the conversations knowing that at the end of these discussions, you'll know better what you want to present to an attorney in terms of the practical solutions you want to implement.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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