Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.
I have a couple of questions to start, if that's okay:
first, when were you diagnosed with depression? Because it sounded like it might have occurred as a result of the break up. Did it?
And second, are you having any psychotherapy to help you with the depression or only medications?
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Hello I was diagnosed after the break up. I was going to counseling but stopped going
Currently I am taking medication antidepressants
Was this feeling you have of needing to see him in order to feel like you can move on worked on in counseling?
im thinking of going back to counseling so I can work on it
I think that would be so useful. Because I'd like to share
with you something I've found to be true almost always when working with good people who feel
there is no closure
from having left a person who cheated on them:
And you have carried this hurt for a long time now.
Here's what I've found:
when you talk with him, it doesn't offer any real closure; It only reconnects you to him.
And when you reconnect to him, you reconnect to the pain.
So, it does the opposite of what you hope.
There is no "movie" like way of saying goodbye to someone who hurt you.
Real life doesn't work that way.
I just wish he had told me that he fell in love with someone else before he decided to cheat on me
Yes, I can imagine.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the cheaters in the world were considerate and kind/
Well....they're not, are they?
And the humiliating part?
I was a good to him and I loved him very much. And everyone around me says that I should just forget and move on. But its not easy. I feel betrayed. And it hurts to see that hes happy and im left in this pile of misery.
The cheaters walk away feeling good and having the cheatee (hope that made you smile) to have a great time with,
and the good person is left miserable and feeling bad about herself.
And its not like im trying to stay miserable, im trying to find things that nake me happy, but it just doesnt feel fair
That's right. I am so glad you got to the heart of it:
It is NOT fair.
That's why it's called cheating.
You don't have anything to learn from him.
You may need to improve on things about yourself, that might be true.
But this doesn't get done by asking him for advice.
It makes me lose hope that life is just always going to be like that: the good people will always get the short end of the stick
No, that's not true. That's what cheaters WANT you to believe.
But it's not true.
Because their happiness is built on a house of hurt. Their happiness is not a happiness you could enjoy.
his happiness is built on uncaring, on lack of caring, on unkindness, on lack of kindness.
You would not be able to be happy on a life built on those things.
So it's not that you cannot be happy and only cheaters can.
It's that we who do not believe in cheating, who would not hurt others that way
we find our happiness
in different ways
and with different people.
So you have to look for people who are like you:
the not cheaters of the world, agreed?
Yes, do people like that ever change?
I can't tell you very much; they rarely come to therapy! (I hope that made you smile as well.)
Lets say he really fell in love with her, he would change for her right?
It's the GOOD people who come to therapy.
And that's fine with me.
Because when you work with a counselor, focus now on how to recognize that you don't need to just be "happy" at any cost. That's not who you are. Maybe he's like that. But you care about not hurting people.
And that's more important.
So your focus is on how to find others who share your goodness.
That's where your happiness lies:
in finding others who are also good people, okay?
Lets say he did love her would he change for her
Not necessarily even a 50% chance.
But I want you to notice:
you're focusing on HIM, not on you.
That's why seeing him is not closure.
Your friends are right: closure is indeed moving on. Recognizing who YOU are and focusing on you, not on him.
And that's what I want you to do, because it's so important for you, okay?
Okay. That's the key here: you focusing on yourself, not him.
And you remembering that when you find yourself focusing on him, then you are actually avoiding what's important: focusing on you.
So let the counselor help you with this, because you are the one we need to focus on.
Okay, time for me to go into therapy sessions in my own office. So I want you to know that you are worth the effort for yourself to focus on you and not on him, okay?
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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what about age, does it matter
Hi, I'm back from session; are you still there?