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RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Is it appropriate for your husband to plan & schedule a heart

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Is it appropriate for your husband to plan & schedule a heart surgery without even bothering to involve me in the Doctor consultation?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation

Customer: So, I would like to know your professional opinion?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In most scenarios like this, it would be considered not only unacceptable but abusive for a person to deny such sensitive information from his spouse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you are living together and still sharing a marital life, then how could he justify denying you the right to know about it the right way?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What has he told you about it, why he decided to hide this from you allowing things to get to the present situation?

Customer: This is how I feel & we share two beautiful children together and I feel it's Not fair to leave me out of This Very Important decision!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, it is not only not fair, but as I said it could be considered very neglectful and abusive because of the impact such a decision could have

Customer: I feel there are some Facts that he may be hiding from me or something he doesn't want me to know about his discussions with his doctor??? Like I said before, I wasn't even ask nor told that he was going in for a Consultation to Even discuss Surgery!!!!????
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Common sense would show that, as well as that sooner or later you would be finding yourself in this situation, finding out about his decision. The only rational explanation is that he decided not to allow you to play any role in his decision but just accept it and afford the potential risks and consequences.

Customer: Can you explain your use of the word Abusive?? If you mean, Mental Abuse....then definitely! Or I wouldn't be chatting with you if I wasn't distraught over his decisions Without Me being included in this Decision!!!!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Which is very concerning, since if if the surgery does not go well, then you would not have any legal power to support him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Correct, this decision and behavior becomes very abusive and even traumatic because of totally disregarding the obvious impact they have and the potential seriou\s consequences you woudl be facing in case the surgery does not go well.

Customer: So, should I, as his spouse, have some kind of legal rights, ...or should I be signing any kind of documents for him to have this surgery???
Customer: This is Not some simple out patient surgery....he's having a Heart Ablasion!!!! He's being put under sedation!!!!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is technically free to do anything he wants to do about it, but the obvious most shocking and alarming concern here is what would happen if something goes wrong with the surgery, you not having a consent nor a power of attorney signed by him would leave you in a very limited and conflicting situation, not having received by him consent to do take good care of him and his well-being as necessary in such an unfortunate situation happens to arise.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What has he told you about it, why he decided yo hide it from you, and hasn't he told anybody else about it, specially in case something goes wrong?

Customer: He just seems Hell Bent on getting this's Not a Total Necessity to Do! He has Afibulation of the heart...which can be controlled by meds!! His "Text" explanations say he doesn't want to take Pills daily!!!! Explaining that the Pills cause side effects he doesn't like????? Look,...this has All come up suddenly & the boys and I were under the assumption he was doing fine??? I feel as if his doctor has him believing this is a Sure bet way to fix his heart problems!!!!!! It All seems Insane to me!!!!!!
Customer: I have eveb
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see how overwhelmed and shocked you feel because of his decision, not only because of the high risks he is taking with it, but because of having pushed you aside from it the way he did, apparently because he just did not want to allow anybody to interfere on what he just decided too do regardless what you or other people close to him could think about it. But you are his spouse, and by denying you the right to know about it, he shows lack of sensitivity and caring about your feelings, the impact it does have in you, and the repercussions this could have in your lives if anything goes wrong.

Customer: I have even ask him to possibly put the surgery off for a few months & try the meds???? Like I have stated,....he just seems very intent on doing this surgery!!!! From my research, one major side effect of the meds is imputance of men! My gut is telling me, he's in a Rush to get this "hopeful magical cure".....for other reasons!!!!! Like possibly, another woman????? Why these thoughts you might ask????.......well, given Fact that he's Kept me from Consultations with his doctor is leading me to Feel that there is some Information that's being kept from me!!!!!???? Very very disturbing & mentally abusive!!!!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am truly sorry to confirm that this has become this overwhelming for you. It is obvious to me his decision not to take you into account when he decided to have this surgery, has not only been selfish but very unhealthy and hurtful, once you are still married and your commitment implies mutual honesty, respect and caring about each others' feelings and well-being, thus pushing you away from such a risky situation does not seem as something healthy nor acceptable. and makes obvious the poor communication, trust and intimacy between you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe marriage counseling would be necessary here to support your communication about this sensitive issue, for you to better understand and support each other and to work on those areas being triggered and undermined by it.

Customer: You have been very helpful!! Just knowing that my Feelings are Not unsubstantiated is nice for me to know!!!
Customer: Also, thanks for bringing up some Legal things that I will look into---like the power of attorney, in case things go wrong!!!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I fully support you, and strongly believe this tough issue needs to be addressed with a lot of caution, honesty, being very proactive and accountable, since it is and will continue affecting your marital integrity, stability and well-being, and that's something you do not want to afford. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome, please look for a good marriage and family therapist who could support both of you working on this tough situation, I really believe that would be the best way to help yourselves to cope with it, heal and grow stronger too. Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thanks.

Customer: But, as you stated, him making These very important decisions Without Me.....further shows his neglect & disrespect for my feelings!!!! He's made some Other Huge Decisions without involving me-----Like taking a Major Job Promotion!!!!
Customer: He's surely shut us, his family out of his decision making!!!! I will seek counseling to Help myself deal with these major hurdles!!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, then this is not an isolated episode but a pattern , what makes of it much more serious, justifying you get professional support to effectively address it, since you cannot take good care of your marriage while he perpetuates this pattern, that clearly undermines the very integrity and health of your marriage.

Customer: Thank you so much!!!!!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you. Please take gentle care and consistent actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Please do not forget to rate session before leaving the chat. Thanks).

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