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I had an affair for 3 months. I confessed to my husband of

11 years who loved me...
I had an affair for 3 months. I confessed to my husband of 11 years who loved me very much. He couldn't handle it and ran off and is now with a woman . He tells me he loves her very much and has now been with her for about 4m. He cant handle the situation. He semi lives with her and we are going through a divorce because he wants to move on. I tried to stay with him but he said that he loves her and wants to be with her and has moved out 4months ago. Once in a week he comes to our house to see the children and sometimes he wants sex with me (which I have been giving) as we have and always had great sex. He says he cant resist me, I feel he does this every time he thinks I have moved on. Do you think if i do the no contact rule that he will come back to me as potentially the relationship will have run its course.
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Answered in 11 minutes by:
11/5/2013
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is often the case for couples that are divorcing due to situations such as affairs that they are able to express their feelings once they are distant enough physically and emotionally from their spouse. So if your husband has moved out and is involved with another woman, he may feel emotionally safe enough to have sex with you and to express his feelings for you. In such as situation, he doesn't have to risk it all because he has another relationship and he is not expected to share himself emotionally with you.

However, your husband is expressing that he finds you hard to resist and he wants to have sex with you, which may mean that he still has strong feelings for you but is fearful of getting close to you emotionally because he is hurt from the affair.

If you back of from having sex with him, he has two choices. He can stop seeing you altogether except for the children, or he could decide it is worth the risk to try again. Most likely, he will recognize his feelings for you and may feel he cannot stop seeing you. If that happens, it might be a great time to suggest counseling and to open yourself up emotionally to let him know you are sorry for what happened even if you have done that already. It can help make an emotional connection that he responds to.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I get this but he tells me he has moved on and loves her very much and doesn't love me anymore. If he wants to come back why would he so desperate want to divorce me. I feel as soon as I show signs of moving on he shows signs of jealousy

He sounds very conflicted. He seems to have strong feelings for you (jealousy and feeling attracted to you) yet he still may feel deeply hurt by you. How hurt he feels also tells you that he has strong feelings for you. So that may be why he is still going through the divorce. He feels so deeply hurt that he cannot stop the process and become vulnerable with you again, so he tries to stay close through sex.

Kate
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

We have nothing to talk about after the deed and he seems to have a lot of fun with her.. Its all new. Should I move on and see what happens. Have you seen this with other people you have councelled and where eventually the partner comes back. Some people tell me he is controlling me.

Well, at this point, he is having his cake and eating it too. And it is not helping either of you to have it this way. So moving on will help force him to make a decision.

Kate
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

have you seen this before with other clients?

Some, yes. All situations are different. But sometimes it does work out. You can only try and see where it leads. But as you are now, it is not working for either of you.

Kate
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

So is the no contact rule the best thing to do. Shall I move on and ignore him and hope he will come back and have no sex with him anymore?

Yes, no contact is best at this point. It will force him to decide what he wants and break this cycle you are both in. Tell him you are done and that although you care about him and want to be with him, you feel this is not good for either of you.

Kate








If you feel your original question and related follow ups have been answered, I'd appreciate a positive rating on the answer I have provided so far.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

OK Thanks.

You are very welcome!

Kate
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This resource may also help you:

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd

It contains information on how to handle having feelings for your ex, to help you better understand why your husband is acting as he is with you.

If you have more questions, let me know.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn
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