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Hello Rafael. My question, I am happy for my son who is doing well in college and has a girlfriend. Yet, when he stopped b y the house today with the girlfriend, I unexpectedly began fighting back my tears. I feel like the girlfriend replaced me. it's a loss. Is this normal?it didnt stop me from being the supportive Mom. But while they were here, they were so wrapped up in each other and it was a little awkward for me. The pain of him having a serious girlfriend is actually greater than when he moved out of the house to go to the dormitory
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this pain you have been experiencing related to your son.
Please do not torment yourself feeling guilty because of experiencing this tough situation.
It is normal for a mother to experience these feelings, because you are attached to your son, from your initial bonding, to everything you shared together in your unique relationship, as mother and son. He is not longer a little child, no doubt, but your connection and the intensity of your feelings as a caring and loving mother remain the same if not stronger with time, because you truly care, love and expect the best for him, and if beholding his life changes when he left your home to start attending college was tough, coming to face with the fact that now another person, a female has got this closeness to him, is challenging for sure, and could be this overwhelming, since you devoted your life to him, and witnessing how he gradually becomes more independent and have another person, a stranger getting this close, and playing this key role in his heart and life is not easy, most mothers would feel the same, in different ways.
Please take it as a unique experience confirming the attachment and love you have nurtured for so long, that now needs to evolve embracing all these life changes and challenges, setting a distance between you, at different levels, since he's becoming an adult, more independent, more himself. You will continue being his mother, no matter how his personal life develops, this and new girlfriends will come and go in his life, as necessary experiences for him to become more whole, more mature,more himself, and he will continue to have your love and presence at his very core, and this si the way it should be, both nurturing from the healthy and unique connection life has offered to you, for you to share in the past in one special fashion, and now in a very different way. It;s painful the detachment, but it is necessary and would allow you and him to grow even wiser and stronger as human beings and in your unique relationship.
He will have different girlfriends and partners, but you are and will always be his mother, this special person who allowed him to be here on this earth, and who shares his path through all his changes. Feel proud and happy with yourself, you deserve to enjoy this unique role and sharing you have, and embrace any painful feeling and challenge, as normal experiences that could teach you a little more about yourself, your relationship and how to support him even better in new ways.
Remember that this is a process, and acknowledging all your feelings, including the painful ones is essential, for you to embrace them with a kind, understanding and compassionate heart, that it would become easier with time, as long as you keep working on yourself and on the necessary changes and adjustments your relationship requires.
Reflect on this, vent your feelings, nurture new ones, healthy and empowering ones around him and your relationship, and focus on enjoying and sharing as much as you can of the different aspects of your life with all the changes that it presents.
I hope it makes sense.
Yes, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX sense.
These are healthy and normal developments. I will learn to adjust.
You're welcome. As a parent I can relate to your experience, and truly believe this is a touch and necessary challenge we all need to face for further growth in our lives. Very challenging, but necessary and worthy too if we address with a gentle and wise heart.
Absolutely, they are part of life.
I will try to approach it with a kind, and understanding way. With a wise heart. It will become easier in time, and I will work through my feelings.