How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask John-Michaels Your Own Question
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 660
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
John-Michaels is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Dr Paige, is this behavior abusive?

This answer was rated:

is this behavior abusive?

Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but information. I do hope I can help you though. Could Gould please elaborate on what behavior you are talking a out?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I talked to another counselor before but I'd like another opinion because I don't think my fiance is paranoid in the sense that he has a disorder. We've been together for 2 years. In the beginning he went through my phone all the time, read my emails, checked in on me by text all day long,etc. When I caught him reading my emails and going thru my phone he would lie at first, then finally admit it and promise not to do it again. He's gotten better about those things. He is always worried that I will leave him for someone with more money. No matter how much I've changed myself, (stopped talking to male friends, got off of facebook, stopped going out, etc) he's never satisfied that I want to be with HIM. I'm careful about what I say, do and wear so he won't get jealous or suspicious. He has lied to me several times but he is always questioning ME. I've asked him to not smoke pot at my house and he says he won't, then he keeps doing it. Recently I got a package in the mail. He wanted to know what it was. I told him it wasn't anything to do with him, it was no big deal. He couldn't let it go. He asked me 4 more times over the course of the week. I told him nicely it wasn't anything he needed to know about at first, and then I got mad and said he's being invasive and to let it go. It's like I don't have any expectation of privacy whatsoever. He feels like he has a right to know everything about me. When I told him he's being controlling, he wouldn't even entertain the possibility, he rolled his eyes at me and got sarcastic. Then he accused me of freaking out because I got mad at his constant questioning. Then he blew up and said "fine, keep your secrets". Is this normal jealousy/curiosity/insecurity, or IS it abusive?

I like you do not necessarily see any indication of a clinical disorder here. I am not sure why he is the way he is. I figure he does have a low self esteem and probably has experienced much rejection in the past. That is neither here nor there though for you. You asked if this is abusive behavior. I probably wouldn't call it abusive but it is very unhealthy. He does need help, but that is a choice you can't make for him. I would figure he isn't going to change a y time soon especially if you continue to condo e his behavior. If you stay with him you are asking to be treated this way. The best hope for him and you is for you to break it off at least until he proves he can trust you. I know this is probably not the response you were hoping for but you deserve better than to have to live the sort of life is sure to give you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I think that's why I need so many opinions, I'm trying to break it off but our lives are so entwined now, and it's good when he isn't doing these ridiculous things. I think you are right though, I need to break it off this time to show him I'm not letting it slide anymore. :( Thank you very much for your time.

Your welcome! Glad I could help!!!
John-Michaels and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi! I appreciate you allowing me to help you maybe arrive at a solution the other day. I hope I was helpful. Let me know if I can help you in any other way.

John Michaels, MS, LPC