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I have a relationship question.

I have a relationship question...

I have a relationship question. A little background. I've known this girl for a few years. I've gone on a few dates over that time period - and I've failed to escalate in those dates. That's my fault.


 


Last date/meeting was in Late May. Date went ok and I again failed to escalate. Over the next 2 months I tried pretty hard to get another date. She blew me off every time, or flaked. Although she did have a pretty busy summer and most of these excuses were legitimately real reasons (going out of town 3 or 4 times, family visiting etc) but she never volunteered to meet. Its not like she was busy every day of the week during July and August.


 


In early september, after I had pretty much given up, she says she's free to meet up that night for a drink. I had just moved out of the neighborhood, so it would've taken me an hour to get into the city, so I declined. I was also pretty pissed as I had put a lot of effort the previous week and she flaked.


 


The week after I asked if she was interested in a drink and she said definitely, next week I followed up next week for Thursday but she was only available on Wed, which I wasn't. She didn't volunteer a next meeting.


 


Next week, I was going to the city next Tuesday so I followed in the day to see if she was available. She said that it might work but cancelled, or actually didn't follow up during the time we were suppose to meet. When i texted her she said that she had to work on a powerpoint for work - but wanted a rain check. I said ok and the next day asked if she was available friday She said maybe but her parents were coming in. A few hours later she said yes it work. Then on friday she said her parents were actually coming in so couldn't' make it (btw this happened twice like this in summer).


 


The next week I followed up again about meeting up later on the week. She responds with how about tonight? Since this was already around 7:45 it would've been difficult for me to meet up. She said that she already had plans on Thursday and going out of town for the weekend.


 


I decided that after this I just couldn't keep following up and keep asking to meet when I'm not getting initiation from her side. I havent' contacted her in 2 weeks and there hasn't been any contact from her. I know that if I call I'm sure I can get a meeting. But is it worth it? I feel I'm doing all the work here and I'm not getting any return. Am I just being difficult for not following up again? Is she just being friendly in meeting up but has no reason to initiate?

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Answered in 9 minutes by:
10/25/2013
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!

Dr. Mark :

Wow, this is a difficult question you're trying to decide: should you keep making efforts to start a relationship with her or not?

Dr. Mark :

Tell me first why you've been trying so hard for so long in the first place?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

I think she smart, attractive, good person.

Customer:

she *is

Dr. Mark :

And have you been trying to date other women during these months as well?

Dr. Mark :

Or have you been thinking about her?

Customer:

Yes, but not as diligently.

Customer:

Have been busy at work.

Customer:

So not necessarily thinking of her that much.

Customer:

I'm just trying to get an expert opinion on - am i just pushing to hard on this?

Dr. Mark :

I really don't think so given what you've just told me. Here's why:

Customer:

ok

Customer:

please explain.

Dr. Mark :

You've been busy yourself, you say, and that has accounted for some of the missed opportunities. You recognize that.

Dr. Mark :

And you aren't getting annoyed with yourself for being too busy and therefore making only sporadic efforts over the months. And

Customer:

true

Dr. Mark :

you don't want her to get mad at you about it either, it seems.

Dr. Mark :

Well, it sounds as though she's been in the same boat.

Dr. Mark :

We could judge her unfavorably, but why?

Customer:

I don't understand the last comment.

Dr. Mark :

You're not so free with your time, it seems she's not either.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

but why the no initiation from her side?

Customer:

That's what bothers me. I don't want to cross that line from aggressive good to annoying bad.

Dr. Mark :

I mean why judge her as if she's not doing any work and you having to do all of it.

Dr. Mark :

Hold on:

Dr. Mark :

You're a really good guy.

Dr. Mark :

I'm saying that because after all these months she's still saying let's try.

Dr. Mark :

But she may not be an initiator.

Dr. Mark :

She's smart, attractive, good person

Dr. Mark :

but she's also a family person.

Customer:

right.

Dr. Mark :

I see that her family is important to her.

Customer:

I just think my ego is getting in my way at this point.

Dr. Mark :

And often, a woman who's a family person is a little more traditional in the "dating" ritual:

Dr. Mark :

the man leads, you know?

Customer:

aha right.

Dr. Mark :

So, I've been taking the cues from the fact that after all these months

Customer:

but i feel like i'm trying to lead a whole army here.

Dr. Mark :

she's not brushing you off.

Dr. Mark :

What do you mean a whole army?

Customer:

play on words.

Customer:

bad joke.

Customer:

no she doesn't seem like brushing me off although I got that feeling in july and august after our date in may.

Customer:

She couldv'e been pushing towards friend zone and trying to be polite about it.

Customer:

I any case - so your suggestion is to try again to meet up?

Dr. Mark :

This many times?

Customer:

??

Dr. Mark :

I get the sense that you're not just interested in her for a few good nights/

Customer:

ha

Dr. Mark :

that you're attracted to her as a person as well as someone who turns you on.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

although both work.

Dr. Mark :

And from what you wrote before we started the chat,

Dr. Mark :

she seems like she wasn'

Dr. Mark :

sorry: wasn't

Customer:

No i think she's serious as well.

Dr. Mark :

sure and then she decided she wanted to give it a try.

Customer:

although she would be willing to take next step in the date.

Dr. Mark :

Good, I think she is being honest as well.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

And you know, smart, attractive, good person is worth keeping on trying.

Customer:

right

Dr. Mark :

Because I only know you a little, but I think you're intelligent and a good person as well.

Dr. Mark :

I assume good looking...

Customer:

thanks.

Customer:

ha

Dr. Mark :

Therefore,

Dr. Mark :

why let "annoying" make you miss out on a possibility.

Dr. Mark :

Here's what I mean:

Dr. Mark :

It is not necessarily the case that SHE is being annoying.

Dr. Mark :

Rather,

Dr. Mark :

that circumstances are making it annoying:

Dr. Mark :

her trips,

Dr. Mark :

your moving,

Dr. Mark :

the schedules,

Dr. Mark :

etc.

Dr. Mark :

But why give in to that annoyance/

Customer:

I agree.

Dr. Mark :

rather, pursue it and see if she's also on the same wavelength.

Dr. Mark :

Okay?

Customer:

ok makes sense.

Customer:

thanks

Dr. Mark :

Good, because I can't tell you how it will turn out if you try. But,

Dr. Mark :

I can tell you that if you DO NOT try, it certainly won't turn out.


Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

thanks.

Dr. Mark :

I think she's worth it and I hope it does turn into something beautiful. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified
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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
5,334 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships

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