Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

Hi,i have left a relationship three times do to it being to

stressful, she is abrupt and...
Hi,i have left a relationship three times do to it being to stressful, she is abrupt and abrasive and I am not the only person that sees this, am now living back in my own home she says now she wants to repair this problem and is seeking help, but she feels I need to make changes to, however I don't think I have done anything wrong I try to explain my feelings and she doesn't here me.my question is, do I move back on her promise to change or do I have to accept her for who she is and end the relationship, I love her very much but cant deal with her issue, what should I do
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 4 minutes by:
10/22/2013
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about the core issues that led to your break up?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said she has been "abrupt and abrasive", could you clarify a little more about her concrete behaviors, what you meant by these words?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long have you been dating?

Customer: We were over at my mom and dad's place, my dad has three months to live, and my mom says that they are not having a get together after the funeral land she says that it's not just about her my mom was upset
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your father's situation.

Customer: Dating for a year living together a year I am 47 she is 35 she doesn't see my side only hers
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then if these has been an ongoing situation and she has shown inability and unwillingness to really change, and mostly made promises, it seems her lack of honesty, respect selfishness and manipulation have been deeply undermining your relationship, to the point you feel it cannot continue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she continues using words about changes she would make but never takes consistent actions to make these changes real, then such behavior is unacceptable and very manipultive, and I do not see how time itself could resolve this serious issue.

Customer: I have a week to give her an answer, she wants to start slow again dating,I just want to know,if I need to accept her as she is her dad died when she was young and she doesn't talk to her mom,she has also raised her sister because her mom is mentally unstable
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you that she would need to start by taking full responsibility for her words and actions and commit to individual psychotherapy to work on herself if she really wants to make this work, otherwise I do not see how your situation could improve at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only you know what you need and want from a relationship, it is obvious you do not feel happy nor fulfilled with the way she has been in the relationship, and I believe it would be unrealistic to deny these serious issues expecting the relationship would be fine without her working on making real improvements

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think she would have to take responsibility for working on herself if she really wants to build a healthy and fulfilling relationships with you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For you to be supportive if you love this person would be necessary, but please do not become tolerant to any unacceptable behavior otherwise you would self-sabotage and the relationship would become more dysfunctional.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe she needs individual psychotherapy to work on her personal issue undermining her ability to be and play a healthy role in the relationship. Couples counseling would help you to explore and identify these core issues and point at the personal problems she needs to resolve for the relationship to develop and grow in healthy and fulfilling ways.

Customer: She told me one night in bed that she thought I had a 5 inch penis it upset me because it was inaccurate
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean you discussed about it before and she was not respectful about it? What do you think was her problem about it?

Customer: I thought it was average at 6 lol but she had to disagree I actually measured it seems like she just has to disagree she has no problem with it I just thought it was rude
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That is something very relative sine each person could have a different knowledge or understanding about it.

Customer: So do I rely on change or take it for what it is
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What allows adult people to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship is mutual respect, honesty, understanding, affection, caring and support. If there is any lack of consistency around being this assertive in your relationship, but you want it to work, then each of you would need to work on changes., and if you do not get an agreement of what or how these changes should happen, then professional counseling or psychotherapy would be the best source of support to work on yourselves and relationship.

Customer: This is the first time she has seeks help and she seems positive about it,but I think this could take a long time to resolve?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each of you should take full responsibility for your words and promises, thus if she promises to change but doesn't change, then she has a lack of honesty and consistency problem that must be addressed, otherwise it would continue causing destructive conflict in your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you would need to be patient, understanding and supportive if you feel this is truly what you want to do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you that serious issues and changes take time and hard work, the only if she is really honest and willing to work on herself, she would be able to make improvements, but you would also need to feel comfortable and willing to wait this long and see if she is effectively working on her changes or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she does work on these changes, then there should be no problem, you would see her efforts and commitment, but if she does not take consistent action and shows effort, then it would be self-sabotaging to stay in the relationship the way it is once you feel she is not being respectful and honest towards you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Couples counseling could be very helpful since it would allow you to directly explore with a professional's support each one of these core issues and identify who and what needs change, and from there everything would be about taking consistent action, each of you talking full responsibility of what depends on you as individuals to make the relationship work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: If she has been like this most of her life what are the odds of change even if she tries
Customer: Yes it makes sense
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she has had serious issue for most of her life it would not be impossible to change, but it would be hard and would require time and adequate professional support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she is willing to work on it,being honest and taking responsibility for her own process then it would be totally worthy, but only you know what you want and are willing to afford in this relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to assess the pros and cons of your relationship, and if you see that the positive aspects of it are good enough to justify working on making changes and improvements around those things that have not been working fine, and she shows real willingness and consistency taking actions to make such improvements, then it could work for you, otherwise it would just be the same or get worse, that's why you need to be very honest and realistic abut what you are willing to afford here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she is truly willing to get help and commit to it, then everything else would be about time, Please consider both, individual psychotherapy for her to work on these personal issues affecting your relationship, and couples counseling to be clear about what needs to be changed and improved in the relationship for it to work for both of you.

RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
RealSupport and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Ask RealSupport Your Own Question
RealSupport
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
3,191 Satisfied Customers
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach

RealSupport is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,714 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
A girl I was dating broke up with me via text. She wants to
A girl I was dating broke up with me via text. She wants to stay friends. We only dated for 2 months. I care for her. I don't mind staying friends as I had not developed any serious emotions. How do I… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
Yea i just want to know if my finance is talking to
yea i just want to know if my finance is talking to different girl … read more
Schuyler
Schuyler
1,944 satisfied customers
I am having serious problems with my adult (35) daughter,
I am having serious problems with my adult (35) daughter, who is married (husband not working) and has a child, 2 1/2. I had a bad marriage/bitter divorce and this adult daughter (who was 18 then) sho… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
We talked before about my situation and i just wanted to
Hey so we talked before about my situation and i just wanted to give you a update on whats going on now.So since the last time we talked me and her saw each other. We ended up spending an entire weeke… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
I was dumped about 4 months ago. After the first 3 weeks we
I was dumped about 4 months ago. After the first 3 weeks we were trying to talk it out and then I said that I wanted him back. Then he stopped communicating with me all together. I saw him at a party … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
I dated this guy for two months and I thought it was going
I dated this guy for two months and I thought it was going great until he stopped trying to make plans to see me. When we did make plans he almost always cancelled on me or had some excuse. So I asked… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I broke up because he was unfaithful. We
second opinion] My boyfriend and I broke up because he was unfaithful. We decided to restore our relationship. I broke up with him again and he thinks he did no wrong and dont understand that it wasnt… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
Kind of new with this but do you usually get that feeling
Kind of new with this but do you usually get that feeling something isn't right with that person from the git go when they have the stalker tendecies? I mean i was stalked before and it was a pretty s… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
Master's Degree
1,714 satisfied customers
I have three hours of audio from a disagreement between
Hi, I'm Luke. I have three hours of audio from a disagreement between myself and my son's mother Jamie. We need help. I haven't been able to properly ask for advice from friends and family because she… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master of Science Degree
7 satisfied customers
I've been married for 10 years 2 kids under 9. My husband's
Hi I've been married for 10 years 2 kids under 9. My husband's family has been extremely abusive verbally to me and controlling. They go over my husband and he doesn't want to see people for what they… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
I'm in a distance relationship that is falling a part.
Hi I'm in a long distance relationship that is falling a part. Actually its engagement not relationship. I'm 27 years old Iraqi woman and he's 37 years old Egyptian man, we met while working for Inter… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My daughter won't let me see my granddaughter, who is 2 1/2,
My daughter won't let me see my granddaughter, who is 2 1/2, for the last six months. My time up until then with the baby was very restricted by them. They brought the child to visit family living nea… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has been working 2 jobs for the last 6 weeks
My boyfriend has been working 2 jobs for the last 6 weeks (he's got the second job only to help his family) Before that our relationship was amazing... but now he's tired and stressed all the time. He… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
How do you know if you are in love or if you love someone,
How do you know if you are in love or if you love someone, and how do you know if they love you? (Hypothetical). I have felt love - romantic love, and love of family, or friends. Can you tell? If you … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
I started dating a man I met online, about 3 months ago. I
Hello. I started dating a man I met online, about 3 months ago. I insisted on taking the physical aspect slowly, since I do not take that lightly He has been compleunderstanWe talk every day and he te… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
What does it mean when a married man is saying he had no
What does it mean when a married man is saying he had no idea what he was doing he wasn't trying to hurt you he didn't know what an emotional affair meant or was and I had to explain that was what was… read more
Dr Ted Manos
Dr Ted Manos
Self Employed
MD
762 satisfied customers
My question is - I have been dating very casually for 3
My question is - I have been dating very casually for 3 years a man who comes and goes. We only see each other once a month or sometimes not even. We have a great time together however it is going now… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
How to get a leo man back. Well, i like a guy once ive been
Well, i like a guy once ive been knowing him for so long and i tried to see if he was ready for a relationship … read more
Mary Baker
Mary Baker
Owner
BA
6 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x