Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.
Thank you. Yes, it is frustrating and confusing
This pattern of behavior uses to show low level o\f maturity and how manipulative a person could be.
When a person tells you too soon, too early after meeting you that he truly loves you , the first thing you need to remind yourself if to be very careful about people like him, since when people use words that way, most times actions do not follow, just like you described here. His actions do not match his words, what shows his lack of honesty, respect, maturity and caring about people's feelings.
This is why you need to confront such behaviors making it clear that you know how to take good care of yourself and that you would see how real those words happen to be. Being very cautions and never trusting somebody you do not truly know.
Should I completely forget about this person and forget the feelings that I thought we both had for each other?
Setting healthy boundaries and limits for you not to allow this person to use, manipulate or abuse you.
Well, I have known him for many years. We just connected after not seeing each other in many years. We were both married at the time we once knew each other and are both now divorced.
My suggestion is for you not to forget at all about him, but to remember very clearly the way this person happened to use words to fool you, for you not to expose to him nor to anybody using the same manipulative approach.
Is it okay to ask him about his feelings now? Maybe he does love me but is afraid to commit.
Then this person who know you for many years suddenly tells you that he really loves you, then as easy as his words, he does not have time for you. This is never healthy, and more than a red flag, this is very disrespectful and abusive, cannot lead to anything healthy and fulfilling in potential relationships.
You can and should always be honest and direct in relationships, but be careful about words, since most times they are very nice but inconsistent with actions they do show immature and manipulative people, never something healthy or capable of promoting something truly fulfilling.
So you are saying that there needs to be actions to support the words. And if there are no actions to match the words, then I should not hold out hope for a relationship with this man.
Initially I though you were talking a very young person, but now that I see he is an adult and who has enough experience, it seems obvious to me that his very warm words followed by these inconsistent action do not dhow a caring and loving, assertive and supportive adult, but an immature and manipulative person.
okay, so I need to let this man go it seems. That is a very difficult thing to do.
There seems to be a lot of chemistry between us. And he tells me that he loves everything about me.
But he has issues to deal with, it appears
Unless you want to take the risk of attaching to hopes and expectations based on nice words while concrete reality or red flags are showing you this person does not deserve your trust nor affection, that you need to be very careful about him.
I am older, as is he. I thought we were beyond game playing. And love it not easy to come by when you are 50 years old. So it is difficult to just walk away from this relationship.
I see, then it confirms how you have allowed yourself to trust this person's words this fast, how vulnerable you have been to his words. i can tell you with certainty that most times scenarios like this do not end fine, but show how immature and abusive people could get taking advantage of people's feelings, specially when most vulnerable.
I suppose that is true, but I do not believe I am a vulnerable person. I am strong and confident and have been so since my divorce 6 years ago. So I do not believe that he intentionally took advantage of me. I just think he is having trouble adjusting to his own divorce and also a very demanding job. He doesn't want to put me as his third priority. He tells me that he wants to wait until he can fully devote himself to me.
My suggestion is for you not to trust words at all but only what reality through concrete actions tells and shows you about this person and the nature of his words and feelings, being careful not to deny reality taking words as true whenever they do not match reality, which is always about consistent actions in time.
I just dont' know how long that could be and if I should wait.
ok, I understand
it's not what I want to hear, but I will take your words into consideration.
Then if you feel that confident about his feelings and character you coudl keep nurturing your attachment and hopes about him and your relationship, but just remember that at the same time you will have to afford everything it implies.
Yes, I understand. It is so confusing and it is difficult to know the right thing to do
But I thank you for offering some advice. I just have not known what to do and have been very upset.
Let's see what time=life shows you, please be fully open to learn what they show you. Words can be manipulated by reality through concrete actions in time cannot. This is why trusting actions ins the best and most assertive way to go.
Listen to what your concrete experience shows you, your body and heart do not use to fail knowing the truth while your mind could easily find many ways to justify painful situations perpetuating what could not be healthy nor fulfilling. Listen to them and see what tme and actions show you.
You're very welcome. Thank you for being this open here and for your trust.
Thanks for your help. I will remember what you have suggested.
Please feel free to contact me to follow up or if you have any further questions
since I am here willing to support you as possible.
ok, will do
Thank you. Take gentle care.