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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.
yes but what is your opinion?
Could you tell me more about his tendency of "getting easily attracted to women"?
If he has not kept-built a healthy long term friendship with this female friend for many years, but she is only an old friend, and there is no reasonable justification for him to want her to male this surgery, then your fear about this "tendency" of him would make perfect sense.
yes, when I was going through a family tragedy he was telling me about a girl @ work & all of her problems (mine were way worse) and he spent the whole day trying to fix her problems, he admits that he has told her she is beautiful, he also makes comments like "I got to work with a good looking woman all day the other guys were all jealous" (this was a different girl) or he says "That girl is a dream and the guy she is with is too small for her" (another different girl)
If this tendency is a concrete issue he has presented, affecting your marriage before, then I'd say this could be one excuse he is using to get close to this female, through a very sensitive situation which requires high level of intimacy, since it would not be just a competent surgeon would would support him, but an old female friend he knows, without any better reason to justify such preference.
I see, then this has been a pattern he has presented, one that obviously does not help you feel comfortable about his behavior around females. I am sorry to know he presented this issue when you were going through an overwhelmingly painful family experience.
Obviously he lacks the assertiveness and sensitivity to show more empathy and respect towards you when it's about his sexual-romantic attraction to women. Most people in your shoes woudl not feel comfortable at all with a situation like this.
that's exactly how I feel, there is no justification that he can come up with for seeking her out, she is not a urologist, she is just a surgeon and as far as I know he hasn't talked to her in a long time, but I really cant be sure. you have already made me feel better by understanding how I feel
She is not an urologist? Then how could he expect this doctor to support him with this surgery if this is not into her specific scope of expertise-practice?
Too many red flags here.
It's obvious why you feel this way. He needs to work on this personal problem he has, since it does not help to build not to promote the "mutual" marital respect, integrity, intimacy and fulfillment that every person deserves and needs.
no she is just a general surgeon, I have no idea how old or young she is, he just gives short answers to my questions
Then it your fears are totally reasonable.
I think this new episode should not be disregarded but taken seriously, for you to look for professional marriage counseling in order to work on it, since it's obviously undermining your marital life.
Marriage counseling would not resolve this issue, since it seems it is a personal issue leading to the marital problem, thus only if he chooses to work on himself to make necessary changes this situation would improve, and for that he[w need individual psychotherapy, since it seems it has been a chronic issue. Marriage counseling would only make this evident for him to acknowledge the problem and take responsibility taking some consistent action to make this situation change for better.
Does it make sense?
I'm glad to know my words have been helpful, I hope your husband takes full responsibility for his feelings, choices and actions, and addresses this issue with the seriousness and respect it requires and that you deserve.
yes but he always deflects any questions when these things occur. and he tells me I need to work on my reactions instead of the problem. I don't think he would go to a counselor. he says things like "I'm good to you' and completely ignores the ways he makes me feel. he thinks it all balances out