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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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To whomever who reads this, I feel quite dumb. Ive ranted

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To whomever who reads this, I feel quite dumb. I've ranted many times about my "ex" and after a week or so of not talking (the longest we've gone without eachother since the start of our relationship) I caved and called him. I'll give you a little bit of a back story. We have been dating for quite a bit, he is very loving but we both have our own personal issues. In the beginning and for a very long time he was this happy, loving man until about three months ago, he broke up with me out of no where. He left me for another woman he had history with, then realized how much of a terrible mistake he made and ran back to me. I gave him a hard time, I made him prove himself and I must admit, he has tried. He generally has tried, I trust him, he has proved himself, he's cut her out of his life but something is missing. We've been constantly breaking up and getting back together. Last week, we had gotten into a fight. He seems to always leave when things get hard, he'd rather leave it alone than resolve it. And I can honestly say when we fight, I take it to the extreme. And so he left and while he left, I told him to not look back. I told him not to contact me, I told him to mail me my belongings. I had my week of fun, I went out, did things I loved and when it settled down... missing him was so intense, I called him and we ended up seeing eachother. I love him dearly, I know he does too but when we fight, we fight so hard we break up. And it is tiring. I don't know if were in a relationship again but it is like nothing has changed. And that is the thing, when we get back together, we laugh about the fight and move on. But something feels missing, something feels out of place. I love him but sometimes I feel like it's time to move on but we can never let go of eachother. I'm not sure what to do, everyone tells me to break it off for good but that isn't what I want. It isn't what he wants and believe him when he says it. Is there any insight you could give me?

Dear XXXXX : Thank you for your question.
Dear XXXXX : I do not feel that you both should break up for good.
Dear XXXXX : You both love each other and I feel there just needs to be more communication on how you each feel about each other.
Dear XXXXX : Some times when things get hard in a relationship people instead of facing the issues they walk away.

Well, Hello Debra I


I'm sure you do remember me.


I wrote to you about getting my belongings back from my ex.


And at this point, I don't know if were together or not.


I had decided to call him a couple nights ago. We talked a bit, I told him I missed him and that I was sorry.

Dear XXXXX : In order to solve problems in a relationship each person should have a chance to talk about how they feel.

The problem is, he never wants to talk. We never find the time.


It seems as if we forget what even happened.

Dear XXXXX : Yes, I do remember you.

We spent the night together last night. And I think having time apart is best.

Dear XXXXX : I am glad you both are trying to work things out.

I'm very sure he loves me. I just feel like something is missing. Something feels off. Maybe it's because i'm insecure at times. I just don't know.

Dear XXXXX : What happens is when things happen in a relationship people tend to hold back their feelings out of fear of being hurt.
Dear XXXXX : That us what I feel is missing.
Dear XXXXX : I feel that you both are nervous that things will go wrong again.
Dear XXXXX : So you both night be holding back your feelings.
Dear XXXXX : It is very common to be insecure in ratio shops and the reason why is you live him so much you do not want to lose him.
Dear XXXXX : When he left for the other women he realized he made a mistake and he could not live without you.

So, what can I do to break this feeling? What would you do?

Dear XXXXX : You want to tell him how you feel and why you feel insecure.
Dear XXXXX : People often do not tell the one they love how they truly feel because they feel vulnerable.
Dear XXXXX : When people feel vulnerable they get worried they opened up too much leaving them more open for hurt.
Dear XXXXX : I want you to not be afraid to love.
Dear XXXXX : When you feel insecure explain why so he understands.

The last time I told him how I felt, he walked out on me. I didn't like what he said to me.


I guess it's all about how and when I tell him.

Dear XXXXX : Yes, it is. Right now he does not know how you feel.
Dear XXXXX : He held onto your things because he was afraid to lose you for good.
Dear XXXXX : So I am sure right now for him he is unsure what your decision is going to be.
Dear XXXXX : People will have their opinions on your relationship but I want you to remember that you need to do what is best for you.
Dear XXXXX : Peopke might say to leave for good but you love him.
Dear XXXXX : It is easy for someone to say for you to leave because they do not have to experience the heart break.
Dear XXXXX : This is why you always should follow your heart.
Dear XXXXX : You want to be with the one you love and people often think you can just forget, but you can't.
Dear XXXXX : Once you find someone you love you never want to lose them.
Dear XXXXX : Its about never giving up and always trying to work things out.
Dear XXXXX : There are only two people in a relationship and you both need to focus on getting back what you feel is missing.
Dear XXXXX : Think about why you both started dating.
Dear XXXXX : You had a connection and that connection is still there.
Dear XXXXX : It is just you both have gone through things in this relationship that has changed things a little bit.
Dear XXXXX : But this relationship can come back even stronger.
Dear XXXXX : You both are now learning what bothers each other.
Dear XXXXX : You are both learning on what not to do when things get tough.
Dear XXXXX : What I feel is very important in this relationship is communication.
Dear XXXXX : You both need to listen and discuss problems you may be having.
Dear XXXXX : He might not want to hear anything is wrong in the relationship because he just wants to think you are happy and there is no problems in the relationship so instead if saying his he feels he walks away.
Dear XXXXX : He needs to stop plant his feet and face the problem.

Yes. It is. I also feel the need to take time away from each other as well.. is there something wrong with that? Sometimes I want to be away from him no matter how much I miss him. It gives me perspective. I want him to be with friends. I want him to do things without me. Because I need to know who I am without him but I also want to feel whole when i'm with him.


I'm still trying to figure out how to get back to that.


The only person who knows of me and he seeing each other again is my mother and a coworker but other than that.. everyone hates him. He doesn't blame them.

Dear XXXXX : You do have to have your own identity.
Dear XXXXX : You also have to have things that you like to do.
Dear XXXXX : People often lose who they are because they feel like they should have everything in common in order to get along.
Dear XXXXX : But this is not true because you need to be happy and feel good about yourself and that is what makes a successful relationship.
Dear XXXXX : Its ok to want to do things in your own to take that time to clear your mind.
Dear XXXXX : If let's say you like to read a book at night and he doesn't like to read it doesn't mean you stop reading books.

He's going fishing with a married friend from work. Tomorrow he and a friend are going fishing and hiking. I always feel like I have anxiety when he's away and thats why I want him to do things with friends so I can break that feeling of insecurity.


I always worry he's speaking to that girl.

Dear XXXXX : But this happens in relationship where people give up things they love.

But I remember that I need to trust him.

Dear XXXXX : Trust is very important in a relationship.
Dear XXXXX : You should not feel like he is talking with that girl.
Dear XXXXX : You want to put that right outbid your mind and just no that he is going to go fishing and hiking.
Dear XXXXX : He is not going to be thinking about anything but you.
Dear XXXXX : He might talk with his friend about your relationship and I feel that he will have the time to think about how much you mean too him.
Dear XXXXX : Some times when people have that time to think they realize how important someone is in their life.



I'd like to think he's a good enough man to let me go if he ever had doubts (not that he won't.)

Dear XXXXX : Fishing and hiking is a very relaxing and a good activity to clear his mind.
Dear XXXXX : I would check in with him and ask him if he caught any fish or ask him how was his hike.
Dear XXXXX : You want to show him you are interested in what he is going and that you want him to have a good time with his friend.

I will but I think I might be super busy to check in with him. I think he likes that about me. The fact that I have a life.

Dear XXXXX : Yes, that could be one of the reasons why he loves you.
Dear XXXXX : I feel you both need to start again and forget the past.

I will. Start new. Hopefully we can move past this. It


it's just my insecurities come over me and I act on impulse.


I need to go one step at a time.


A couple more questions.


What should I do the next time I feel insecure?


And how should I ask whether or not were in a relationship? I mean he calls me babe, baby, brought me around his friends. He still has my belongings.

Dear XXXXX : When you love someone it is very easy to have so many emotions .
Dear XXXXX : Often times these feelings get overwhelming.
Dear XXXXX : When you start to get insecure to stop yourself thinks about the memories you have made with each other.



And, lastly... how should I ask if were in a relationship... if i should.


We didn't agree to get back together. but its like it hasn't changed.

Dear XXXXX : You want to tell him that things are going to be different this time. You want to say too him that you are ready to give this another try.
Dear XXXXX : This is the best way for him to respond.

I think I wanna wait on that... I don't wanna overwhelm him.

Dear XXXXX : Then you want to just focus on being together.
Dear XXXXX : I would just assume that you both are starting again.

Because to be honest, I don't know what he's thinking.. I'm not sure if he's just thinking that were just friends or if were giving this another try.


Does that make sense? I don't think ever formally agreed to give a relationship another chance.

Dear XXXXX : I think he has been waiting for things to change and he hoped that if he waited long enough to not return your things that you would come around and you did, so he is also overwhelmed by his emotions as well.

For now, I think i'll just let things play out. Give him his time with his friends and i'll do my own thing. Whatever happens, happens.. Good attitude to have? I hope. I'm tired of stressing

Dear XXXXX : I think things will continue to grow and you both will develop this relationship again.
Dear XXXXX : This is a good way of thinking because you want to just let things happen naturally.
Dear XXXXX : This way you not be always wondering.
Dear XXXXX : Now that he knows everything is on. I feel he will take steps for you both of you to be together.
Dear XXXXX : I think he will just assume you both are together.
Dear XXXXX : He might not officially say you both are back together. He will just assume you both are going to work this out because you are both communicating again.

Okay, okay.. I will do this.


Thanks so much, Deb!

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