Hi. You were offline and so the system reverted to the question/answer format. I'll answer you here, then, okay?
First, let me say I can imagine how frustrating and also hurtful this situation must be for you. It is clear you are yearning for a loving healthy family with all your heart. But that is clearly not what you have been granted. And you are not alone in this yearning and in this deep wound of disappointment.
I am so pleased to hear that you're working with a psychologist and have realized that the problem is in them and you need to free yourself from their problems. Meaning, that you should not internalize their dysfunction.
Your example of the comment you made about the scarf was excellent: it points out an underlying problem in your relatives. The inability to feel comfortable with joy, happiness, sincere and open positive emotion. This is important: they shoot down things that make them uncomfortable. Not things that are "bad", but things that are uncomfortable for them. And you have not become like that. I want you to realize the point I'm making: you haven't become like that!
So many people who have grown up with and try to cope with dysfunction in the family have such similar feelings of yearning for something that is not available. And when they try to hope that their families will BE like their vision of what they want so much, it turns out to always be a disappointment.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. The great parable of our age is that before the plane takes off the stewardess warns us that in case of loss of cabin pressure, first put on your mask and only then put on the mask of loved ones. Why?
Because, the parable is telling us, if we are not healthy and taking care of ourselves, we are not going to be able to help others. So you have to apply this to your situation:
If you would CONTINUE living with that emotional hope inside of you that somehow they might be different somehow, some way, that they would change if you could convince them of something special, you will indeed become unhappy and lose your sense of yourself.
Therefore, I need you to accept your family's situation. The easiest way to do it is to treat it as a disability. We accommodate disabilities without having to feel like they are "true" or define our reality. So when you're with your family and someone says something cruel or off, you need to remind yourself this is their way of letting some of the pressure out from their own pain in living in a pressurized life with dysfunction and negativity. They have a disability. And so accommodate them.
Is this a perfect strategy? Of course not. But it is a way for you to be able to accept them for who they are and still live firmly in reality. Because if you make demands from them that they live firmly in normal reality, they won't be able to handle it and you will get nothing as you've seen except more heartache.
So this is how one lives with dysfunctional families: treating it as a disability they have. There is hope. But not for ALL, for everything. There is hope for being able to get along and loving them as you would love someone who is emotionally disabled.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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