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Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.
Can you share with me what's going on in the marriage?
The system says you're offline; I'll wait to see if you come back online. If not, we'll revert to the question/answer format and continue that way, okay?
Hi, I see you're in the chat now. That's great.
my husband is not very open about things and also has a health problem
Is the health problem affecting the marriage
in a negative way?
yes he has erectile dysfunction and has been to the doctor about this quite a while ago they really cant do much
he can lose weight which would help but he wont do anything about it
Is the sexual issue the main stress between the two of you, or are there other issues we will be discussing?
the other issue is work he has a stressful job
Yes, this can be very difficult on a marriage.
he has lied to me a couple of days ago when i found the information on the computer and says he doesnt care and
doesnt want to talk about it
What information is that?
when i found he was talking to women through skyping and chat rooms
this has been going on and off for 3 years
I see. So, there are three problems so far: ED, his stress, and he's talking to other women.
yes thats right
Are there other problems as well?
I was hoping you would get to that word!
he wont open up
This is so important because it's the underlying problem.
And it's gotten really severe, it sounds like.
3 years ago he got me to go on the chat room and i did it worked for a while but i got jealous when he was talking to other women and also watching perform with no clothes on
I think he is addicted now
These problems you are describing are no longer self help type of problems. Would he be willing to go to couples therapy with you and to see a sex therapist, perhaps?
no he wont go have already asked him
This must be very frustrating for you:
he is the one who is hurting the marriage but he won't do anything
to make things better, right?
yes i feel like walking out we also have 2 girls 19 and 17
Have you told him that you are this upset that you feel like leaving?
And would it make him consider getting help?
i have told in a way i am going to go if dont stop doing that stuff on the computer but then he gets angry and he says ok i wont do it again but later goes back on it
Okay. So we are not confident about his commitment.
I have given him that many chances
I dont think he is going to tell me the truth the trust in our marriage is going
I'm so sorry you're having to face this problem.
I dont trust him on the computer anymore
I know from my work with couples in therapy how hurtful this is and
how it is a betrayal.
He doesn't realize this
and I also know that men who have ED
are so traumatized by it
that they can become like emotional clams:
they can't any longer be close with a real human being very well.
yes i know I really love and dont want to leave him but cant go on being unhappy
And they are often susceptible to this type of impersonal sexual expression
it starting to affect my health
You're typing so I'll wait...
I can imagine it is having an affect on your health!
I'm working with one couple right now and the wife has multiple
health issues all stemming from the stress
of the marriage and her heartache.
Do you think
that he would be willing to read our discussion here?
Let me tell you what I'm thinking, okay?
Often, if a man hears it "like it is" from another man who
is experienced in working with couples, it can get him to come out of
his shell a bit. Can I write to him for a second?
he is at work
i can pass it on later
Okay. I'll write this to him now:
Hi. You've already read most of what I would like to tell you and share with you.
I want to first tell you that ED doesn't make you less of a man in your wife's eyes and heart.
ED makes you less of a man in your own eyes and heart.
It's the fact that you pull farther away from her that makes you less in her eyes and heart.
It not only hurts so badly, it confuses wives.
I work with couples in my office and via Skype continually.
And it is so sad, because ED is the problem, men think.
Can I keep writing to him?
So, I want you to know: ED makes most guys look for "visual" sex.
There's a psychological hope that newness, something fresh, will solve the problem.
And so the guys pull away from intimacy.
But there are solutions to ED. If you want, you can ask me another
question and I'll share some of the techniques available.
More importantly, the first solution is to become more intimate with your wife,
Shore up your marriage, don't weaken it.
Now, you've read how deeply hurt and confused your wife is.
You've got to start communicating to make your future great..
There's no shame in going to a couples counselor.
Here is an online therapist finder for Australia that I like because you can see a picture of the person and read about them a bit. So put in for the therapist either psychologist or a psychotherapist and psychodynamic for the technique. http://www.findatherapist.com.au/
The Australian Psychological Society has a search. Scroll down and put in self-esteem in the search window. http://www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsychologist/Default.aspx
Okay. I hope he will be willing to read it...
yes he will
i am also worried talking to these women can make him meet them
Yes, it would be rare, though.
Most guys with ED are looking for something that is more solitary
because they feel very bad about themselves.
I can't rule it out,
but you have to try with what has the best chance of working
and I am trying to not get to the "ultimatum" stage...
good for you. So have him read this and give it a try as a way to open up some more open communication with him.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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You are so welcome. If you could give a positive rating before you leave, I'd be grateful. All the best to you.
The system says you're still in the chat. Do we need to continue?
how do i save this page
There are two ways:
one is that you can either copy and paste the entire chat into a Word document,
and you can also save the web page address:
Does that help?
The system still is alerting me that you're in the chat. Do you need more help?
Okay, I truly wish you the very best. You're a good person and you're trying y