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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi, My husband got involved with a divorcee when we had issues

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My husband got involved with a divorcee when we had issues in our relationship. After my husband and I agreed to reconcile, she proposed to him to have a discreet relationship because she couldn’t bear not being able to sleep naked with him again after their short fling in various hotels in Penang and KL where she enjoyed being f**ked at her own free will. As she put it,she had not had sex for the past 15 years since her divorce and since she’s going to menapouse soon, she thought of having more sex with men to gain more experience. She was already with 4 married men at that point of time whom she said were happily married men went astray. She even bought my husband condoms to have sex with her .Of course my husband’s ego was flattered by such a proposal and she knew how to manipulate him knowing his weakness. She ask him to tell her all our marital problems and said she would advise him, as an uninterested party . So in the name of friendship, her advice was not to give in to the demands of a wife, and she wouldn’t mind pretending to be his girlfriend to make me jealous and she would tell me how good my husband was in bed if she chanced to meet me. It takes two to tango. My waylaid husband was also to be blamed by saying he would like to have more fun with woman even after he had reconciled with me! That was back in 2004 when she was 49 and he was 50 years old. As a matter of fact, maybe I’m to be blamed because he caught me having an affair in early 2004. I decided to end the relationship after he proposed on reconcialation which I accepted in October 2004. I regretted what I did and had totally cut off completely from the other man. That was the term when we agreed to reconcile besides other minor issues which we agreed to work it out. Yet the betrayal goes on from sexual into emotional affair.
I didn’t know my husband kept in touch with her until I caught him lying in 2007. He was supposed to go for a meeting outstation but instead he spent alone time with her one day prior to the meeting. We had a big fight and he promised to break off with her. Initially, it was hard to trust him so every now and then, I’ll be suspicious and check on him. Eventually, I told myself that I have to trust him for the relationship to survive the storm.
Late 2011, I noticed he was behaving strangely. Sometimes he’ll go outside the house for a short walk which he never did. He was always eager to go for meetings outstation and stay overnight at different hotels.He has never called me to find out if I have safely arrived at the destination when I drive outstation. Our conversation was brief and his line was always engaged. When I asked him why his line was always engaged, he blamed it on his phone. At times he got offended and said I was always suspicious. Then in early 2012, I started becoming a detective. The missed calls, frequent msges at odd times, the tone of his voice when he answered some calls, buying scented fresherner for his cupboard and car, always angry when questioned of his whereabouts, hardly talk to me, always complaining tired, blaming lost of libido on his mild diabetes, always getting angry and yelling at the children when they do not listen to him on minor issues like delay in going out for lunch or dinner, and the list goes on. He blames it on diabetes and said that the medication made him lose his temper easily. It doesn’t make sense to me at his strong reaction over minor issues.
Everytime I tried talking to him to find the root of the problem, he will brush it aside and said I don’t understand him. He always tells the children ours is not a perfect family.. and that really made me realize that something is definitely not right..I monitored him closely for half a year before I gathered enough proof .He finally admitted that he was calling her practically everyday for about 8-10 times in a day besides the sms, emails that they exchanged. I was so shocked to discover what a fool he has made out of me! He has betrayed me for umpteen years with his emotional affair. I never knew our relationship has gone so bad that he needed another woman to feed his ego ,when he has everything under the roof well taken care of by me!
I told him he can have her and leave me and the family.Why lie ? A relationship based on lies is a disaster. I told him to go to her if he can’t live without her.He broke down and asked for forgiveness and said he will break off with her immediately. He sent her an email and said that I found out of their exchange of msges, calls, and that he has to cut off all communication with her because he is too weak to fight. The email didn’t seem like he wanted to totally cut off the relationship. Why should he
explain to her ?He betrayed me twice and i forgave him therefore it’s understandable when my gut feeling tells me something is not right, I'll confront him.I felt like there's an intruder in our life.Is it revenge or karma? Is he a cakeman?
He is simply one that cannot for whatever reason let go of her. YOu have confronted your husband and he has treated your relationship like something he is willing to take advantage of. Don't worry about what could have been and accept that he cannot be faithful. You should not feel guilty about your recent past and move on to find a relationship that respects you. Don't give in to his sweet words and promises. The best example of the future is the past. He has continually shown you what kind of partner he is. Let the next person be fooled about his words and sentimental utterances. When you accept that he isn't able to commit then you can move forward. Karma may play a part if how functions in the future since he is able to crush someone's spirit so that he is happy. I would end this if you haven't already and find peace in knowing that you tried as hard as you could. He should be left with the inability to hurt you anymore than he already has. Don't believe any more promises - the past is the indication of your future with him
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Infact, the last time i discovered that he betrayed me was on 14 Dec 2012. After he admitted to cheating, he offered to let me check his monthly phone bills as proof that he would not contact her again, but he only showed me Jan and Feb 2013 bills. There's no show of bills from March until now. I asked my husband 2days ago whether he still keeps in touch with her and he said he has already cut all ties with her . Shouldn't he at least show me the monthly bill to gain my trust without me asking? And why does he still keep the email that is meant for both of them before my discovery? Something is still fishy yet he said he doesn't contact her anymore. When I ask for more info, he will lose his cool and accused me of not trusting him and is it I want a separation ? At least he should do something to gain back the trust and be faithful. Before I decide on the next course, I would like your advice if I have any bargaining to do or should I just leave him without giving him the benefit of doubt? For your information, we have been married for 35 years. I'm 56 and he is 59 years old.
I think you need to accept that he isn't invested in a committed relationship. The past and the present has indicated this and the future with him are questionable. The best predictor of the future is the past. You can't trust him and won't be able to trust him. You can't give him the benefit of the trust and be happy. There will always be that sense of doubt. Dont listen to the words but look at the actions. He has repeatedly damaged your sense of trust and this is what you need to look at. It is difficult to be with a person you can't trust and this is a fact. I would start to pull away
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Why would he stay on if he is not committed in the relationship? Is he waiting for me to decide because he can't? We have 4 grown up children of which 3 are in universities abroad. Only my youngest son who is in college is still with us. After the last confrontation , he seems to want to work things out but again, it's trust issues that is bothering me..whether he is still keeping the affair discreet!!!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Still awaiting reply from the expert.
You are the only one that can really decide if your heart is in this relationship. his actions have indicated that he cannot be trusted. Your children would understand. He may be staying because he is afraid of change or because change is too scary. Either way you are taking a chance or someone who will breed trust issues for you. I would consider that beyond all else.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
What would you suggest I do if I want to take the chance one last time? He is retiring next year and I the year after. He told me he there's no more contact with the other woman and he looks forward to a good retirement. He told me not to mention or ask him about the affair again because he said no more many times and i'm stressing him when i become naggy. How can I ask him to proof to me he means what he says? Will he or am I expecting the impossible? Pls advice.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Awaiting reply from expert.
By giving him a chance time is your only friend. There is no proof except for that time. Only in observing him can you decide if he is faithful. You are expecting a lot from someone with this track record. You can only proceed with your gut feelings. There is no way to decide if you are expecting the impossible and that he is up to the task. YOu have to go with your heart and see what happens. Emotions are tricky and depend on whether he is really committed to the relationship. You know what you want so decide what the pros and cons of the situation is. There are no sure fire solutions here.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am thinking of exposing to everyone who knows her, especially her colleagues , what type of woman she is and that she's a homewrecker who pry on happily married man who go astray .She is the main culprit for my husband to stray. Of course my husband is also to be blamed for following his heart when the other woman made herself available , and also act as an accomplice to cheat on me. Not only did she propose to have a discreet affair but she also manipulated his feelings to have much dislike to the family which he once adored. Since she knew he needed attention for his bruise ego, she made him feel like she's his soulmate who understands him, unlike me, busy with work to give the best to the family, therefore he felt his needs were not met. I'm not seeking revenge, but justice for the hurt she inflicted on me. She's a woman with no moral but as a teacher, she portrayed herself as a woman with principle ! Who would ever think behind her square look, she is a whore and a bitch to live her life like that! Should I proceed with my action or live in pain knowing that she 's not what people perceive her to be?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Awaiting reply
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Still awaiting reply
You Should not try to expose her. Not because she isn't a horrible person but because you don't need to occupy yourself with negative thought or behavior. She obviously doesn't care if she is a homewrecker. It probably won't make you feel any better by exposing her. Instead focus on your relationship including why your husband strayed. Any action on your part will only make you feel more caught up in this situation. Focus on counseling for the two of you and really explore this whole situation. Focus only on what is pertinent to this relationship
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Since it's not a good idea to expose her, should i expose him then to his family members , 7 sisters in total? He is the 2nd youngest in the family. The rest are above 60 yrs old, and the youngest is 54 . They always thought he is such a doting husband because i have never said bad of him, although we hv our differences . Could exposing his affairs to them perhaps may put a halt to his betrayal ? He wants people to maintain a good image of himself. When i had the affair in 2004, he told my family& his family. But in his case , i made a mistake for not exposing back in 2004, 2007 and last year because i thought he will change.. How wrong was I then. So what now? Should i and face the risk of divorce ifhe react otherwise? Am i pushing him off the limit or do you think he will repent? Please advise.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Awaiting reply
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