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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this frustrating and concerning situation
Could you please tell me more about your boyfriend?
Hi Thanks for your response. So I am 30 and he is 34 and I'm very confused as I've never had this lack of interest in sex before.
What's his age, do you know for how long has he had this problem?
Has he been that way for the 2.5 months you have been together?
He has experienced a strange time with his employment situation over the past 3 years. He was a successful advertising, sals person, but then changed jobs and got bullied at the new place and then he moved back with his parents and played poker online as a profession
If he states this is due to work stress, then for how long has he been so stressed to the point of not have a good sexual libido and poor or absent sexual life?
At the start of our relationship4 he was interested and I didn't want to have sex straight away so we waited about 4 weeks then when we tried he couldn't ejaculate. Then we tired again and it was even worse and he couldn't maintain erection
He said he hasn't had much of a libido for a while
and that when he met me he kept saying "but it's back now hahaha"
I am sorry to know about his situation around employment. You mean he makes a living as a professional poker player? If he lives with his parents that could mean he has not been able to afford living independently, is this correct?
He is trying to launch a product at the moment that he hopes will make him a lot of money and apparently he is stressed because a poker website owes him about $30,000 that he was planning to live off and fund the new business
Yes I think he has chosen to live with them due to not wanting to work a proper job and to be able to chase his dream of being an entrepreneau
It was professional online poker. He tells me he made over $100000 from it... but then he doesn't appear to have anything to show for it.
What you report shows he may suffer not mainly suffer of poor libido but of erectile dysfunction - impotence- and ejaculatory disorder, specifically what is known as retarded orgasm.
Ok, what can we do... he says he wants to work it out but its not getting better
I am sorry but this does not seem as a very healthy life style, since what you describe here about what he says, does not seem to be supported by concrete reality, once you say there is nothing you have seen to the present to prove it.
I know I am concerned too about that, but I have spent time with his family and friends and they all seem to be supportive of him and his choice and that it isn't a big deal... They seem to believe in his vision for being an entrepreneur... But I'm concerned he is just escaping reality or has some more deeper reasons for moving back home
When a person does not have libido, a real lack of sexual arousal, then erection nor ejaculation would happen, but you are describing a person who wanted to have sex right away but did not by the very start of your relationship because you wanted to take some time to know him a little better, what would show you wanted to be careful and assertive about it, but it does nto makes sense his statements about poor libido and wanting to have sex the way he wanted when you started dating.
So what are you thinking the reason is?
Absolutely, I am afraid he could be doing just that, since his life style does not seem to match a responsible , mature and assertive approach. He is an adult who depends on his parents, doe not have a real productive activity, who states not having interest on sex but wanted to have sex as soon as you started dating and who obviously presents erectil and ejaculatory disorders, but who refuses to work on himself, right?
Yes that's right, he was willing to go to the doctor, but that has been all
Most times sexual disorders like these, if they are not consequence of a medical condition, once you said he has been evaluated and his physical health s very good, happen to be consequence of mental health disorders like anxiety. Now, he is a physically healthy adult, but who has no productive activity, lives with and depends on his parents and does not show any evidence of realistic and accountable work-effort to make a healthy living on his own. Most times it is unrealistic to expect getting a big business and income out of nothing.
Ok so you think he may suffer anxiety and this is preventing him from being a functional adult and that the dream of having a big business may be a guise that allows him to maintain this dependent lifestyle whilst keeping his friends and family supportive? This is what I have began to fear.
I'd be very cautious about a scenario like this. I wonder if he truly has no or poor libido, or if this is more about these sexual dysfunctions you are describing here, which use to be related to anxiety and many times with unhealthy life style which would match his situation. Most times there is excessive use of pornography, and even addictions like to pornography and others, when we find these different factors combined.
Yes I have wondered with pornography, and I have even suggested if he wants to watch some together but there is no interest. He wont even masturbate in front of me. It's like he is sexually avoidant now
You just started to date this person, then there is still a long way to go for you to know him better, but what you already know about him is very concerning and does not show a healthy and functional life.
This is very strange as I said, since he is at the same time stating that he has not problems masturbating and achieving orgasms, but again, all his words do not seem to match his actions, his reality, this is why I am very concerned about this, most times there are serious mental health disorder, addictions and serious problems around a scenario like this.
I know, I am starting to get concerned. I think because his family is so lovely and his friends are so functional and I know he has been in the past that I just thought maybe he was just trying to choose a different path and was in limbo at the moment. But as time has passed the sex issue has made me look deeper. I think if that wasn't an issue I would be satisfied, but it has highlight perhaps deeper characteristics about him I'm un nerved by.
This is not only about too many red flags, but a bout too many concrete issues all over the place.
He did tell me he had an addictive personality. But I didn't think he was doing anything seriously bad because of it.
I believe what you describe about his family and friends could be related to codependent tolerating and enabling of a very unhealthy and dysfunctional life style.
There you go. I truly suspect based on everything you are sharing here, that he does have serious mental health, personality and addictive disorders, serious enough to lead to the life style he currently has, enabled by a very codependent family and unhealthy support system, and since he does not have to face major consequences by himself, he can afford it, he has his family to make it work for him.
I would suspect from pornography-sex addiction, to online and gambling addiction, serious codependency, and obviously serious anxiety, sexual and personality disorders.
What kinds of personality disorder would you suspect?
If he likes pornography, then why wouldn't he want sex in real life or want to watch with me?
And is co-dependency something he could change and what does it mean
Each one of these concerns-issues-disorders would require intensive and regular psychological treatment, otherwise it would be unrealistic to expect any significant improvement, in case these assumptions happen to match reality, you would see if you allow yourself to find out with a more careful and insightful approach
And what does it say about me being attracted to him...
Many people presenting porn-sex addition could suffer of sexual dysfunctions like erectile and orgasmic disorders, leading to serious sexual problems in relationships because of the distortions caused by such dysfunctions-addictions
Codependency is a serious addiction affecting relationships, where people develop unhealthy patterns of attachment, sharing, understanding and support in their relationships, promoting what is unhealthy and destructive while beleieving and justifying their behaviors as positive and valid, out of love and caring.
You need to reflect in that for sure, since this does not seem to be anything healthy at all, and for you to expose to and engage in a relationship where so many issues appear to exit i very concerning.
Please read about codependency, that would help you a lot understanding many things here, like "Codependent No More" and similar books. Also read about porn, gambling and online addictions.
Yes you make perfect sense
ok I will
Read carefully, insightfully an try to assess your reality based on what you understand from it. the please be cautious and take consistent action in order to take good care of yourself, effectively cope and develop healthy relationships.
I thought I had done work to recognise an unhealthy relationship and it seemed fine at the start so I just have such little faith in my ability to choose one... and the thought of starting again is terrible, but I guess that s life
Please feel free to contact me for any further assistance since I am here willing to support you through this format, or if you want to consider professional confidential online counseling, I can support you that way too.
Ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX been most helpful
This is the direct link to my profile here: http://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/expert-rafael-morales-toia/
You're very welcome. It is tough and painful, but necessary and worthy for you to work on yourself to build and promote the fulfillment you long for through healthy relationships, starting with the one you have with yourself, and from there the ones you develop with other people.
I'll keep trying, thanks bye