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RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi. So I have a best friend of mine whom which we got really

Resolved Question:

Hi. So I have a best friend of mine whom which we got really close and started hooking up for a while. I enjoyed it but i didn't take it seriously. I would leave town for studio work on a whim and not say anything til she was like I wanna see you, i miss you, and then id be like I'm out of town cuz i really was. Then i got sick and couldnt see her for two weeks. as a precursor, let me say that i usually live in LA and she lives in MD. My home base is VA which is why we became friends in the first place. I am a music producer. I am 35 and she is 21. Long story short, when i was sick she would be like i miss you i want to see you, and i would be like i miss ya too. Any how after i became well, i feel like she realized something and made a decision to try and distance herself from me. All i wanted was to have her back next to me. I know she was in survival mode and making decisions toward her own well being as in she was falling for me and felt like i wasn't so into it. Shes a marine and a tough girl and good at managing her feelings. I can tell she feels the same way about me as i do her. But I am moving either back to LA or to CHI in the next month. All I want to do is spend time with her, but, I understand why she would try to make distance all things considered. I have it really bad for this girl, and I want to know what to do. I started telling her i missed her and what not, and she told me (in her self controlled manner) that we talked about this and that the pressure made her uncomfortable. So i wrote her a letter and told her i would back off but it would break my heart. I expected her to distance herself further but she hasn't and when we see each other the chemistry is still 200% there. What do i do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  RealSupport replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating and sad situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to be %100 truthful with yourself about what your really want and are willing to afford in this relationship, then be totally honest towards her, and from there take consistent action, ot take good care of yourself and also to allow her to do the same.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It is but I know she is into me as much as i am into her
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Can we talk about this more if i accept?
Expert:  RealSupport replied 3 years ago.
Then you need to choose if what you truly want and can afford is to work on developing this relationship as something serious with a mature level of commitment or not, otherwise you would hurt each other, instead of playing a healthy and fulfilling role in your lives.

If your plans are incompatible with her reality and any of you can or is willing to radically change your life situation to make this relationship work or make necessary adjustments with real commitment, then I do not see how this could help any of you but cause more pain.

Does it make sense?

+ Please do not accept until we complete to talk about it. Thanks.
Expert:  RealSupport replied 3 years ago.
I am waiting for your reply. I am here willing to support you as possible. Thanks.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It does make sense. And I know one thing, I want her to be my friend for life. In all honesty, now that i think about it, I know me being a music producer is not nessecarily conducive to being in a relationship, and I know long distance things dont work, but in my heart all i want is to have her around me. Whenever I see her I just want to kiss her and vice versa. But at the same time our friendship is sooo important. I think maybe if we hook up one more time, I can agree that now is probably not the time for us to be in a relationship. So after i wrote her the letter saying i would love it if she were my girl, she didnt stop talking to me, and everything is cool. So randomly a week or so later she said it was akward and i said my bad and we laughed about it she said no worries. Then i had her over the other day, and we were flirting and when she left and got home she said "Andredi, I just want you to know i appreciate everything you do for me and how much you care about me. This isnt easy for me either, just being your friend and not acting on my feelings, but i know that neither of us is ready to take the plunge into a real relationship at this point in our lives. we have so much growing to do separatly before attempting that opportunity and i care too much about our friendship to risk it at this point in our lives. Its hard for me, but i dont want to take that risk until i know that im in a place in my life where i could see there being a forseeable future and not an immenent ending. I really do love you but im sure you aldready know that. You got me to cry when i got home. Thank you for that becuase its theraputic and i dont let it happen often."
Expert:  RealSupport replied 3 years ago.
Then both of you are clear about one thing you want to keep and nurture, which is your close friendship, while on the other hand nonce of you want to push a romantic relationship at all since your personal / life circumstances, present core needs, responsibilities and expectations do not match, and the last thing you want is to hurt each other.

Please be %100 honest and consistent here, in that way you would truly play a healing, positive and fulfilling role in each others' lives through a unique and special friendship. Whenever any of you identify you deviating from it, you'd need to address it as soon as possible m in order to take good care of yourselves and of your friendship. This would be the only way for it to work.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
My emotions make it so foggy to be able to be 100% honest. How can I get out of the fog and see clearly?
Expert:  RealSupport replied 3 years ago.
Regular journaling, getting direct close friends/family feedback and ideally through individual counseling or at least life coaching. A class/program of mindfulness could help too. I use to suggest all of them. The more you work on yourself, the better role you would play in all your relationships.
RealSupport and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I really appreciate your help.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Quick question, by journaling what do you mean?
Expert:  RealSupport replied 3 years ago.
Writing or typing about your experiences, focusing on deepening awareness and insight on your feelings, personality traits, behavioral and emotional patterns, what triggers you, what helps and what undermines your mood, functioning, plans and relationships. You would use it to monitor yourself, your consistency and the issues that need your attention. It's an optimal self-development and rehabilitation tool.