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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My boyfriend and I recently got back together after a

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My boyfriend and I recently got back together after a nasty split. He left me for a woman he had history with, he told me he went back to her because he felt "guilty" that he had never given her a chance to redeem herself although he knew it would never change. I was very hurt and I still am to think of it. Now he's trying to make things better, he's genuinely trying to be a better man but... all those thoughts about how much she's influenced him races back to me and makes me so angry. He says all communication has been shut off with her, I believe him. She's manipulative, disrespectful and arrogant. She calls me names, e-mails him naked pictures, pictures of them when they were together, asks for him back. I can't stand it. What do I do? I don't know how to combat my anger for her, let alone the fact that he once left me for her.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your boyfriend has brought someone into your life that is harming you. He chose to be in a relationship with this woman who now has made you a target, maybe due to jealousy or mental health issues.

The problem here is that your boyfriend is allowing her to contact both of you. He chose to be in a relationship with her, so it is up to him to stop her from contacting you, or at least address this issue in some form. Allowing you to be a target only hurts you and makes you angry and upset.

Talk to your boyfriend about putting a stop to this woman's behavior. He needs to either talk with her or try to cut off her ability to contact either of you. As long as she is in your lives, you are naturally going to feel angry and upset. But if he takes action, it should help you to feel better. You need to be able to put her in your past and the feelings you had about your boyfriend being with her before. But that is hard with her always around.

Also, talk to him about the effects of having this woman in your lives. Let him know about how angry you feel and that her interference in your lives keeps the feelings you have about their relationship alive. Then focus on rebuilding trust between you. You need to know he is there for you, putting your needs first. You can also learn a lot through self help. Here are some resources to help get you started:


The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships by Cynthia Lynn Wall LCSW and Sue Patton Thoele

Building Trust: How To Get It! How To Keep It! by Hyler Bracey Ph.D.

Most of all, make sure you communicate your feelings to your boyfriend. As long as you make this a situation where the two of you are together, you will strengthen your relationship rather than let this issue affect you both.

I hope this has helped you,

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.


May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you and your boyfriend,
Customer: replied 3 years ago.



I'm not quite sure if you got my other reply. I guess my next question would be... How do i talk to him? My boyfriend is battling a mental illness himself; depression. And there is a bit of a drinking problem. Talking to him in person causes him to shut off and ignore me, only for him to turn around and pretend nothing has happened.

I'm sorry I did not get the original reply. Sometimes the system loses replies. I apologize for the inconvenience. It is not good that talking to your boyfriend causes him to shut off and ignore you. If he reacts to you expresses your needs by shutting off, you might need some help with talking to him. Consider talking to a therapist together. The therapist can help balance your needs with your boyfriend's issues so you can both communicate with each other. You might also want to try other methods of talking to him. Write him an email or letter. Or ask someone you both trust to help you talk to him about this issue. It may be that changing how you express your needs gets him to listen rather than shut down. While you cannot force him to listen, you can try different methods to see if it helps.