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Dr. Paige relationship expert only: Hello, I am very

Dr. Paige relationship expert only: Hello, I...
Dr. Paige relationship expert only:

Hello,

I am very lonely and and do not know where I fit in and how to make friendships.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years. I stayed in it because I was afraid about not knowing how to find and develop friendships without him.

I am now divorced and we share a kid.

With him we never made any friends in all those years. I just stayed home and went into denial.

I have no friends or family other than my mother.

I grew up in NYC and am really a NY gal. I moved to the Southwest 20 years ago and have not developed any real friendships.

I had to eliminate a few toxic people from my world since that was not working for me any more.

What happens now is that when I go to meet ups where I have a common situation like divorce or cooking or transitioning, I find that the others may share that one particular interest but there is no connection because we clearly do not have the same level of awareness or commonalities. Clearly we were raised and breed in a way that does not click.

I am looking at making friends with females that are intelligent, kind, open, with it, have great character, worldly, my level of awareness and put themselves together in a clean respectable manner and share some similar interests.

I have a wonderful and interesting background where I grew up with very accomplished influential people so I am so intellectually curious and love intelligent minds.

At the same time I find that 99% of the women I have observed at my kid's school and extracurricular activities are married and want other married friends to do things with with their spouses. I find the married ones are not open and receptive to me here. They have clearly said that to me or showed me.

On the other hand the ones that are wealthy and have accomplished careers do not let me in. I am 40 lbs. overweight and that seems to turn alot of people off.

Of course I could attract just anybody. But after going through what I did in the marriage I have now learned to avoid toxic unhealthy people. I crave high quality meaningful relationships.

I work from home so I am not interacting with employee friends.

When I was younger than my forties I could call someone up to go do something and spend time and have fun. Now that I am in my forties and have a young child, and others do too and have their partners, I do not know how to connect.

When out in public I make small talk but nothing substantial enough to take it any further. I am very warm and friendly but that does not get me past that chit chat phase in a natural comfortable manner.

At the kids' functions I can clearly feel how unavailable the other married moms and dads are.

Singles groups here tend to attract alot of creeps awkward people.

Sometimes I blame where I live since it is so laid back and has so many senior citizens here. I fantasize about living in Manhattan where I belong and thrive but I do not have the monies it takes to live their since I am not in my parents place anymore. Also, my mother is here and we are close.

At a meetup the other night I went to a women in change group and the women had that one issue in common from me but were not connected enough in other ways. It was not a good fit.

What do you suggest I do to make some wonderful friends?
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Answered in 54 minutes by:
10/5/2013
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Verified
Hello. What you are experiencing is totally normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and how you make friendships at all. It is very difficult when you have high standards for friends and you should have high standards for friends. While it is frustrating for you, think about the alternative which is settling for people who aren't on the same level as you.I know that these are probably not comforting words when you are having the frustration that you are, but finding wonderful friends is not easy. Not at all! You have many positive things going for you and I'm happy to her how you dismiss toxic people from your life. This is a great attitude to have and I'm glad you do. Personally, I have kind of the same situation in my own life and I have very few people I relate with, but I am happy about it because I know that there are a lot of not so great people out there and I would much rather have quality than quantity when it comes to friends.
I would advise you to keep going with being social and trying out groups and whatnot. Eventually, you will find someone you connect with. I just want you to know that you are not at fault and there is nothing wrong with you. It isn't that you are unable to find friendships, it's that other people are unable to reach your standards and that is actually a positive thing as far as I'm concerned! You will find a good friend eventually, they certainly don't grow on trees and your good friend is probably at home wondering the same thing about herself as you are right now.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

It is tempting at times to settle for the people that are below my standards because the loneliness is unbearable and painful. When I have given in to those kinds of people, I always end up disappointed because of their behavior or thinking and treatment towards be.


 


Could my Southwest state be the problem?


 


I even went online dating sites to connect with potential mates and nobody other than some serious yucky low lifes reached out to me. I was on 3 different sites.


 


Are you suggesting just keep going to these meetings.


 


I saw your photo next to your name and expert credentials. None of the people in these groups look clean, sharp, happy and presentable like you do. I do not think my standards are unreasonable.


 


When i have mentioned this to therapists in the past they say that I should accept all people form all walks of life. Is just does not work that way. They end up getting envious of my living environment or can't keep up in my desired discussions and are not in alignment with my vision.


 


Weekends are the hardest time for me.


 


You probably have at least one friend or a partner.


 


Wish I had at least one friend.


 


 


 


 

You do not need to go to any group which causes you disappointment. It is possible that it is where you moved. People tend to gravitate towards geographical regions which fit their personalities. Not to say that all people are one way or another, but in general terms, it is true.
Your standards are not unreasonable at all. I would spend more time on the internet meeting people this way, even if they are far away, just to make some level of acquaintance and friendship with someone and go from there. There are many social media outlets as I'm sure you are aware and groups to join online. I know that isn't face to face or close interaction, but it may be a good start.
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Verified
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