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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Ive been with my boyfriend from last 2 years.We live about

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I've been with my boyfriend from last 2 years.We live about an hour and a half and meet only 2-3 times a month.He has been very good to me in general--- very good listener,gives good advice ,very concerned about my problems ,attentive to my small needs , very patient
never got mad at me even when I kept him waiting outside the mall for an hour....
Both of us are divorced and the above behavior has been very consistent.
I've noticed few times though that he is a little rude / gets mad at waiters / waitresses if they don't bring / serve the food properly -- the way he ordered or a waitress forgets to bring a glass of water after he had requested her.Most other times he is very nice to them.
I read somewhere that if one of the qualities / red flags a boyfriend that you want to avoid / leave is that -- when you see him being rude to waiters etc. because today it is them and tomorrow it can be the girlfriend.Is this true ? Do you think I need to seriously consider this ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see why you are this concerned about these episodes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The behaviors you describe are concerning, your fears make sense, since as I use to say, people do use words in different ways...

Customer: I need your suggestion .
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

many times to create an image of themselves, control and manipulate others, but it is throuygh concrete behaviors in time, at difefrent settings, and specially when challenged by circusmtances or problems that we find out much more abotu their personality, core values and ways of coping, feeling and approaching things.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think that the fact that he has been respectful and afffectionate towards you all this time is very good, since it shows he cares about you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

at teh smae time, the fact that your relatiosnhip has been limited because of distance and time , you have not had enough chances to knwo each other good enough, specially facing tough times or other difficulties, where people use to show much more of how they think and feel, and these episodes could show you a little more about that side of him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you talked to him about it?

Customer: I've told him that his behavior concerns me -- to which he said that he is usually very good and patient but mistakes like these make
Customer: Him mad / upset him.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

tehn he did not deny his reaction was teh way it was, but justified it by saying that it was not good for him to afford the consequences from people's mistakes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In this case, the incidents you mentioned do nto show any serious mistake or problem, but a very clear emotional negative reaction , and that's concerning for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe that once you happen to get closer and share more, developing your relaitosnhip you would be able to find out more how serious this emotional reactions affect his mood, fucntioning and relationships. It's a red flag for sure, but you do nto know how severely it could affect your relaitosnhip, once it si still very limited by yoru concrete circumstances.

Customer: Yes. He says he is usually patient but things like these upset him.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

They trigger his temper, but his reaction appears to be excessive or not nice at all for the msitakes these people could have made, and that's what is ocncerning for sure

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

WHat is your biggest fear now about it?

Customer: I'm a little skeptical about marriage commitment with him ( he wants to get married ).
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean he plans to get married without you first developing this relaitonship enough, but only based on this long distance time you have been dating?

Customer: Yes.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it is very concerning then, since I do not see how you could build a healthy and fulfilling marriage without having first have the chance to actually experience life together as a real couple, in order to know each other better, the way you really are, feel, think cope with things and more

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For anybody to make a serious commitment like marriage, it is necessary that both partners feel truly comfortable and happy with such important step, otherwise it would not work. Helathy and fulfilling long term relationships requires direct and concrete sharing at multiple levels, and further commitment should never be pushed, but soemthing both really want and feel confident about

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your core needs and expectations need to be met before you get further commitments, and it seems you do nto feel comfortable but pushed by his plans around marriage, right?

Customer: Not really. But thanks for your advice.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and the time to discuss about them, since I am here to support you as much as possible. Thanks.

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