Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I can see you are still having a tough time coming to terms with this overwhelmingly frustrating reality.
yes i am
the thing is now that i try to told her that she started crying and even bought me a gift and tickets to go watch a game and stuff like that
i am just confused she says she will change
but i dont know if this is normal with this type of relationships
does she really mean it or is she just trying to get me back
No, this is not normal, she has been perpetuating that very manipulative pattern for very long time, and to fall into this vicious circle, only enables further abuse and dysfunction. It is not confusing at all if you allow yourself to assess reality form a more objective point of view, and since you have been involved in it this long, codependency has undermined your ability to address it effectively, that's why professional psychotherapy is so important as well as feedback and support from healthy people close to you, from your support system, otherwise you would continue self-sabotaging enabling further abuse.
she also started saying that I really dint love her and thats fine I want the divorce i can have it but then she cries
She is deeply distorted in her ways, her mental health and personality are very dysfunctional and to deny that and allow her manipulation would not help you but enable further abuse and suffering.
She will cry, and do everything in her power to try to manipulate you, but it would only work for her if you fall into her codependent manipulative game, otherwise it would never work and she would not be able to continue abusing you. You are the only one with the power and responsibility to put a stop to this very destructive situation.
so that is all her manipulation right
yeah because it makes me feel bad
like if i am the wrong
in this relationship that i dint work hard enought
Because of the multiple times you have allowed her manipulation and abuse, she knows how to perpetuate them, she feels empowered and confident
Correct, that's how manipulation and codependency work
because i am just so confused about what to do but i guess is so clear for everyone except me
because every person that knows about my problem tells me the same thing
Right, you are suffering of very serious codependency problem, this is an addiction, a very serious one, that literally destroy people's lives and relationships, that's why you need professioanl support through psychotherapy and a support group in order to rehabilitate form it.
You need an deserve a healthy and fulfilling relationship, but for that to be possible you need to start by rehabilitating from this disorder and developing the necessary skills to take good care of yourself, cope and share when in a into a relationship.
and also that fear that of being alone and not finding another women later on
like i think to my self if i let her go will i find someone better
Right all these fears and distorted thinking leads you to self-sabotage and to enable abuse from people like her.
yeah and i was not like that before we met
I see, then this was indeed a very unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship deeply undermining your mental health , mood and functioning.
yeah like if she did something she will say she is sorry then try to have sex and forget about the problems and i always fall for that except this time
You got literally addicted to this very dysfunctional and abusive person, and her presence in your life led to the distortions you developed including this serious codependency problem. I truly hope you do not expose yourself to this abuse , manipulation and destructive situation any longer.
I guess that is what i really have to do
You're very welcome.
Please take gentle care and consistent action without delay, and with the right support.
just dont let my fear get me back to this relationship
you been very helpfull
I am glad to know that. Thanks for your trust.