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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I ma very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly sad and frustrating reality
One that you have been undergoing for so long
Unhappily everything you have described in your story shows how this marriage was dysfunctional from the very beginning, once it was not based on mutual respect, caring, understanding, affection and support; but a relationship where your husband has been literally using, abusing and neglecting you and your son, who was a helpless victim of this much dysfunction which literally distorted his personality and ways of experiencing life.
what should i do?
I have a husband but yet doesn't play the role .
It's very sad, but many times women in your shoes perpetuate destructive marriages because of having real love, concern and caring about their children, thinking they need to sacrifice for them to be fine, but reality shows that what happens is exactly the opposite, that children become the helpless victims from their parents' dysfunctional marital relationship, and their lives get deeply distorted by that, no matter how good intentions the other parent may have had. I do think you need to start respecting and taking good care of yourself, just as you needed and deserves to 17 years ago when found yourself into this painful situation.
If your husband in unable and unwilling to respect, understand, love and support you but abuses and neglects you at multiple levels, then I do not see how this situation could improve at all, it could only get worse with time.
If what you want it to start building and enjoying a healthy and fulfilling life, you would need to face reality and get far away from him, and focus on your rehabilitation process and to make necessary changes for you to play healthier role in your son's life for him to have chances to rehabilitate himself, but that would depend on him and on the influence his father continues to play in his life.
would u recommend that i file for separation first. i am holding back for quite some time as my son is sitting for his final year GCE O level and i do not want to distort his study but yet on the other hand is driving me crazy. i have problems sleeping and the inner hurt is affecting my health. Btw, during this one year while not working, i feel worst than working life. I caught my son stealing again and again and yet as a father, he does not know how to educate him and add the burden onto me to discipline him.. Not only i have to continue paying all the bills with no income but from saving, i still have to go through all these emotional stress.
You would need to truly focus on your rehabilitation process with necessary professional individual psychotherapy, and ideally help from a support group too, in order to promote your best chances for rehabilitation. Codependency is a core issue-addiction that has been undermining your life for this long , playing a core role in this painful reality, and must be addressed with necessary support.
I can imagine your situation but only you know how painful it feels, most people in your shoes get severely depressed and develop anxiety disorders too, it's just overwhelming,and nobody needs nor deserve any of that at all.
Please, do not delay taking consistent assertive actions with necessary counseling and legal support, since what you report is already very serious and concerning also in your son's life, and he would not get better unless you start taking good care of yourself and end any form of enabling. Now there is nothing that would guaranty that your son would rehabilitate and grow from it, since he is already old enough and has a father who is also deeply into his dysfunctional and abusive life shaping the life of your son the same way.
You are right. I am seeing the ugliness of my husband in my son now.
If you can get professional psychological support and sound legal advice, working on separation and hoping your son could at least have a better outcome academically, it would be reasonable and assertive, but please do take consistent actions and do not delay any longer this self-destructive and unhealthy reality.
I have told myself that i will do that after my son O level exam. I just have to tolerate for a 2 months but is driving me crazy
You have literally enabled serious and chronic forms of abuse, from verbal, to emotional and financial. Please stop doing that, self-sabotaging and fueling more dysfunction and abuse-neglect. take good care of your savings since you will need them, do not waste it at all, since it would go against you , but even more important, your mental and emotional health and well-being coudl deteriorate even more and you do not want to afford bigger consequences.
Get immediate psychotherapy then and join a support group for codependency right away, so you would not keep waiting and delaying the start of your rehabilitation process even more.
the last round when we were separated for 2 years, i went through very rough patch juggling between survival and bringing up my son. i am a staunt christian and i believe that my God will pull me through. The problem that is weighing me is also my marriage vow.
Get all the support you could get from healthy and caring, people around you, from family member to friends, since your support system needs to play an active role in this process. If you do not have a good support system, then part of your rehabilitation plan should be to work on building one.
God gives us all total freedom to make our own choices, and God does never sentence/forces us to suffer, to perpetuate something destructive and painful under any circumstance, even more when it only creates and promote further destruction and suffering, otherwise God would not be God, but a very human like sadistic, selfish and mean being-god.
Please, you need to work on maturing your faith, your understanding of it, of yourself and life, reassessing and working on your core value and belief systems for them to be truly healthy, leading to a healthy and fulfilling life, and not to something this destructive, abusive and painful.
thank you Rafael for your advice. That's why this morning i was searching the internet seeking help and this is the first time i am online voicing out my frustration. i have spoken to friends and bro and sis in christ but utimately i know the decision lies with me
You're very welcome. I am glad to know this has been helpful. Please carefully reflect on it and then take consistent action to actually change your reality, taking full responsibility for it, since that would assure your healing and healthy life, and you playing a healthy role in your son's life too. Feel free to contact me here and if you want to consider confidential professional counseling online, I am willing to support you with it through s new program just created to support people online. Just let me no in case you want to try it and I will guide you on how to benefit from it with my support.
This is the link in case you want to review it: https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164
ok. Thank you so much. i feel better after voicing out . Is good to chat to a 3rd party who does not know both of us and give me all the answer i am thinking about. Sometimes friends and relative dare not to commit just in case of being partial.
(Please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network).Right, I understand you and it makes perfect sense, but we all need to be assertive and try to support our loved ones, eradicating any codependency or other distortions that could only , reinforce, enable or promote and perpetuate damage and pain.
ok. I understand. thank you so much and i am penning off now. should i need further advice i will connect with you again. Have a good day ahead. God bless.
You're welcome. Thank you and have a good day too!
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