Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

I have been married for 17years. These 17 years, i worked

I have been married for...
I have been married for 17years.
These 17 years, i worked hard and provide for everything for my son and husband. But my husband take things for granted and never contribute a single cent to the household expenses.He only give his son daily pocket expenses and during school holiday he give his son nothing. He is a property agent and i do not know what are his daily activities likes except coming home to sleep. How much he earn and what he do i have no idea.
He will not communicate with me when i encourage him to do so and keep on taking things for granted.
He never play the role of a husband.We sleep in separate room for more than 10 years already. From what i know, whatever money in has in his pocket he gamble them away and once i caught him stealing, i threw a fit and throw him out of the house for 2 years but later i forgave him and accepted him back cause i do not want my son to go to school as a single parent kid.That happened 10 years ago.
But all these years when he's back he still behave the same till this day.
Now i am in my 60 as i gave birth to my son at the age of 44.
Now i am not working and these days he will go out early and come back only when i go into my own room to sleep. And now my son has grown up and also behave like his dad ignoring my feeling. They will not tell me whether thy coming back for dinner and at times when i finished cooking, they tell me that they are going out and not eating.
I feel very frustrated, lost and lonely and these problems have been existing for almost a year.
Both of them take me for granted and neglected my feeling. He loves his own immediate family members more than his wife and kid.
He continue to hurt me again and again that i find intolerable and now contemplating divorce since i am in a loveless marriage. I find that when there is a communication breakdown, the marriage cannot proceed further.
I prayed and even get pastors to talk to him but he refused.
He prefer to live a carefree life with no string attached.
Appreciate your advice as i am at my wit end.


He has neglected my feeling and now my son has
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 3 minutes by:
9/20/2013
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I ma very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly sad and frustrating reality

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

One that you have been undergoing for so long

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily everything you have described in your story shows how this marriage was dysfunctional from the very beginning, once it was not based on mutual respect, caring, understanding, affection and support; but a relationship where your husband has been literally using, abusing and neglecting you and your son, who was a helpless victim of this much dysfunction which literally distorted his personality and ways of experiencing life.

Customer:

what should i do?

Customer:

I have a husband but yet doesn't play the role .

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad, but many times women in your shoes perpetuate destructive marriages because of having real love, concern and caring about their children, thinking they need to sacrifice for them to be fine, but reality shows that what happens is exactly the opposite, that children become the helpless victims from their parents' dysfunctional marital relationship, and their lives get deeply distorted by that, no matter how good intentions the other parent may have had. I do think you need to start respecting and taking good care of yourself, just as you needed and deserves to 17 years ago when found yourself into this painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If your husband in unable and unwilling to respect, understand, love and support you but abuses and neglects you at multiple levels, then I do not see how this situation could improve at all, it could only get worse with time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If what you want it to start building and enjoying a healthy and fulfilling life, you would need to face reality and get far away from him, and focus on your rehabilitation process and to make necessary changes for you to play healthier role in your son's life for him to have chances to rehabilitate himself, but that would depend on him and on the influence his father continues to play in his life.

Customer:

would u recommend that i file for separation first. i am holding back for quite some time as my son is sitting for his final year GCE O level and i do not want to distort his study but yet on the other hand is driving me crazy. i have problems sleeping and the inner hurt is affecting my health. Btw, during this one year while not working, i feel worst than working life. I caught my son stealing again and again and yet as a father, he does not know how to educate him and add the burden onto me to discipline him.. Not only i have to continue paying all the bills with no income but from saving, i still have to go through all these emotional stress.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would need to truly focus on your rehabilitation process with necessary professional individual psychotherapy, and ideally help from a support group too, in order to promote your best chances for rehabilitation. Codependency is a core issue-addiction that has been undermining your life for this long , playing a core role in this painful reality, and must be addressed with necessary support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can imagine your situation but only you know how painful it feels, most people in your shoes get severely depressed and develop anxiety disorders too, it's just overwhelming,and nobody needs nor deserve any of that at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, do not delay taking consistent assertive actions with necessary counseling and legal support, since what you report is already very serious and concerning also in your son's life, and he would not get better unless you start taking good care of yourself and end any form of enabling. Now there is nothing that would guaranty that your son would rehabilitate and grow from it, since he is already old enough and has a father who is also deeply into his dysfunctional and abusive life shaping the life of your son the same way.

Customer:

You are right. I am seeing the ugliness of my husband in my son now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you can get professional psychological support and sound legal advice, working on separation and hoping your son could at least have a better outcome academically, it would be reasonable and assertive, but please do take consistent actions and do not delay any longer this self-destructive and unhealthy reality.

Customer:

I have told myself that i will do that after my son O level exam. I just have to tolerate for a 2 months but is driving me crazy

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have literally enabled serious and chronic forms of abuse, from verbal, to emotional and financial. Please stop doing that, self-sabotaging and fueling more dysfunction and abuse-neglect. take good care of your savings since you will need them, do not waste it at all, since it would go against you , but even more important, your mental and emotional health and well-being coudl deteriorate even more and you do not want to afford bigger consequences.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Get immediate psychotherapy then and join a support group for codependency right away, so you would not keep waiting and delaying the start of your rehabilitation process even more.

Customer:

the last round when we were separated for 2 years, i went through very rough patch juggling between survival and bringing up my son. i am a staunt christian and i believe that my God will pull me through. The problem that is weighing me is also my marriage vow.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Get all the support you could get from healthy and caring, people around you, from family member to friends, since your support system needs to play an active role in this process. If you do not have a good support system, then part of your rehabilitation plan should be to work on building one.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

God gives us all total freedom to make our own choices, and God does never sentence/forces us to suffer, to perpetuate something destructive and painful under any circumstance, even more when it only creates and promote further destruction and suffering, otherwise God would not be God, but a very human like sadistic, selfish and mean being-god.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, you need to work on maturing your faith, your understanding of it, of yourself and life, reassessing and working on your core value and belief systems for them to be truly healthy, leading to a healthy and fulfilling life, and not to something this destructive, abusive and painful.

Customer:

thank you Rafael for your advice. That's why this morning i was searching the internet seeking help and this is the first time i am online voicing out my frustration. i have spoken to friends and bro and sis in christ but utimately i know the decision lies with me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I am glad to know this has been helpful. Please carefully reflect on it and then take consistent action to actually change your reality, taking full responsibility for it, since that would assure your healing and healthy life, and you playing a healthy role in your son's life too. Feel free to contact me here and if you want to consider confidential professional counseling online, I am willing to support you with it through s new program just created to support people online. Just let me no in case you want to try it and I will guide you on how to benefit from it with my support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the link in case you want to review it: https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164

Customer:

ok. Thank you so much. i feel better after voicing out . Is good to chat to a 3rd party who does not know both of us and give me all the answer i am thinking about. Sometimes friends and relative dare not to commit just in case of being partial.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network).

Right, I understand you and it makes perfect sense, but we all need to be assertive and try to support our loved ones, eradicating any codependency or other distortions that could only , reinforce, enable or promote and perpetuate damage and pain.

Customer:

ok. I understand. thank you so much and i am penning off now. should i need further advice i will connect with you again. Have a good day ahead. God bless.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you and have a good day too!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not forget to rate support before leaving the chat. Thanks.

RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
RealSupport and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask RealSupport Your Own Question
RealSupport
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
3,191 Satisfied Customers
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach

RealSupport is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,720 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

338 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting with another guy while I was talking to my current boyfriend. I never told him and tried to hide it. Now he knows and is questioning my trust… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little of each? Im an insecure anxious attachment type for sure.... i always need reassurance and stuff from my gf... my gf in the beginning was alr… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
We are not dating but I've known him for 15 years, we met at
We are not dating but I've known him for 15 years, we met at work I thought he was good looking we hit it off as friends. He had me staying over his place a lot, then I found out he was gay/bi I start… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My question is about a possible beginning to a relationship.
Hello this is Brian, my question is about a possible beginning to a relationship … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Is it normal for your boyfriend to constantly have his ex
Is it normal for your boyfriend to constantly have his ex girlfriend come over to visit even though you tell him to it really bothers you… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have chirldren with a previous partner and we still keep the family house and gather. But my family has not accepted my new partner 'although she is ever… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Boyfriend of 1 year newly divorced from unhappy 30+year
Boyfriend of 1 year newly divorced from long unhappy 30+year marriage told me he keeps thinking bout old girlfriend and how he has always wondered about her and how/where she is. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated
Hi. A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated very casually before he moved about 1 ½ years ago to California from Ohio & since then we really didn't stay in touch. So I was a bit s… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My wife goes to a high-end restaurant bar / restaurant on a
My wife goes to a high-end restaurant bar / restaurant on a Sunday for brunch, She start 3 hours and gets rather trashed with her alcoholic Mother of which we do not like each other. Keep in mind that… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Not sure how to move on from this if he cant trust me. Ok,
not sure how to move on from this if he cant trust me. Ok, My boyfriend and I and my two teenage daughters live together. I gave him the consent to record my daughter because we were trying to catch h… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I've never been in a real relationship and it just seems
I've never been in a real relationship and it just seems like I can't get any woman to like me or want to date me. I want to know how I can approach women and get dates? I'm really all about chivalry … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I have a problem i need an advice I met a man after really
Hello , i have a problem i need an advice I met a man after really hard time of separation with my husband . This man is separated too but he still in contact with his wife because of the kids ..any h… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I would like to know something. My wife of 35 yrs received a
my wife of 35 yrs received a very intimate necklace fro m anoth er women and she told her she was drawing inspiration from her just by wearing it what does that mean … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Mine is a pretty tricky but story. So I met this guy on
Hi Debra, Mine is a pretty tricky but long story. So I met this guy on Tinder, he was lovely. Our first date was amazing... we spoke for three weeks 24/7 before actually meeting up. There was an insta… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I have trouble getting along with my husband. We has mood
I have trouble getting along with my husband. We has mood swings. He is about to start a new job at a branch of Verizon (used to work at another branch) so we were talking in the car and he said he ha… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I fought over him maybe talking to his ex,
My boyfriend and I fought over him maybe talking to his ex, I kept texting him till he said leave me alone and then broke up with me.. can I get him back … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months and I love
me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months and I love him dearly, well on Tuesday something happened when I was texting one of my guy friends I didn't physically cheat on him, and there was no … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have a new man in my life I have been dating for about 6
Jen, I have a new man in my life I have been dating for about 6 weeks. We see each other twice a week. He deeply cares for me and loves me. I also have love for him. I struggle with his immaturity. So… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x