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Hi, he came back from bush on weekend and Saturday was a great

day. We hung out and...
Hi, he came back from bush on weekend and Saturday was a great day. We hung out and had a laugh and fun, we didnt have phones or anything else to distract us. It was great. But Sunday and Friday night there were some hurtful words exchanged. I've noticed that he is making things up to try and make himself feel better. And yet all it's doing it hurting both of us more. I'm at a
Complete loss right now as to what to do to even be able to talk to him. He's back out bush and I haven't heard from him, nor have I gone out of my way to really ask him anything. He told a friend of mine that I'm flirting with her boyfriend. Now her boyfriend and I are like brother and sister. He actually looks like my dad. No way would I ever go there, but Josh is admit they I am flirting. We're still sleeping with each other and in same bed...yet something happens like he gets in bad mood or I don't do something right and it's back to square one. It's confusing, and frustrating. I know it's going to be baby steps. I'm just at a lost right now.
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Answered in 23 minutes by:
9/17/2013
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Verified
He has a lot of problems with sensitivity and just general handling of situations. Do not let him make you feel like this is your fault and that you need to fix anything. You said that you don't do something right and then he is in a bad mood. It isn't all you. It's him. He wants you to think that it's you so he can control every tiny thing and make you want to walk on egg shells around him. Nothing at all is going to change unless he changes his ways. You are wanting to work through this, but he obviously is not. That is a problem and nothing will ever be accomplished when only one person is making the effort. I'm afraid that your situation is not going to change until he makes an effort as well and he just doesn't seem to want to. You cannot do all of this yourself and you shouldn't try. Make him show you that he wants to try as well. By talking to your friend, he is also showing controlling behavior. You need to be cautious with him and I know you want things to work out, but he is just fighting you instead of trying to help the situation. I'm afraid for you and how far you have to go to make this successful, if it is at all possible. Stand your ground and don't let him boss you around. Tell him how you feel and make him tell you that he wants to change things. If he doesn't, then things won't change and you need to make a decision about your future.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
When he goes off on his tangents I tend to let him go as I know what he's like. I found a message from June 11 saying he wanted to marry me. He was worried about me on Friday when I went and sat outside alone and he couldn't find me. He walked around town to find me...It's as if one day he wants to make it work and the next he doesn't want to if I'm talking to another guy. I know I tend to ignore him and treat him differently to others. Which tends to cause more issues, and that's because I find it hard to act 'normal' around someone I'm inlove with.
He was talking to my best friend and he seemed upset and hurt and really annoyed about me 'flirting' with any other guy. When in reality all I'm doing it talking to them. I would love to say its just me and him in this 'relationship' but in reality it's not. Everyone has fed him so many lies and hurtful things that he has come to believe it and is finding it hard to believe me...he says he doesn't believe me, but the look in his eyes when I tell him the truth says something different. The way he looks at me still is filled with love and hope...he keeps saying that actions speak louder than words, yet I don't see him 6 days a week. I only see him 1 and 3 nights due to work.
Even though he said he wants to marry you, I'm still worried that his motives are to control you a bit. His jealousy is a bit concerning as well. When people tell him lies, he should always be on your side first and question THEM, not you. He needs to show you a nit more support when it comes to that kind of thing. The point about actions speak louder than words, ask him if the same goes for him the next time he brings it up.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

He's only really been like this since I left.


I regret that decision, I really do, and he knows that also. I know what it was like when he left me couple years ago, it took me 18 months to be able to trust him again, but we were in a relationship at that time. Right now, we aren't. We're in a seeing each other casual thing, not labeled like last time.


He used to believe me, but as his work mates and and family and friends were telling him different, it just changed.


It has been getting better last month or so, we are still having these issues, but people are seeing us hang out together, and people know that we are back to living with each other, as a month ago, it was all a massive secret.

It does sound like there are some positive elements and trust takes time, rebuilding trust takes time and time is something you don't want to spend a lot of on this, but it's going to be the way it goes. As we said before, baby steps. When he gets crabby, you should say to him your opinion on if his attitude is justified or not in a quick and to the point way and then tell him you are going to give him some time to think about it and then leave him be for awhile. Think about the reason for his attitude and if it was something you maybe could have handled differently, say it. If its something he could have handled differently, say that and let him know.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I'm trying to focus on the positives, yet as I don't have much confidence in myself, I tend to focus on the negatives. It's my biggest downfall.


 


I know it's going to take time, and a lot of it, and yes, I am impatient. I think that's why it has me so worked up and stressed all the time, and because it's something I can't completely 100% control it frustrates me.


 


I will follow your advice when it gets to him being crabby. In turn I need to learn to let go the small things and not ignore him or take my frustration out on him.

All of this is not on you and it's not all on him, you both have to start working together instead of against each other. Keep practicing focusing on positives, attitude can change everything.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Thanks. I will definitely keep on practicing on the positives. Even though we may not be talking all the time, we are still living with each other and hanging out on the weekends. That is a positive.


 


One step at a time. Thanks so much :)

It is and hopefully time will help things as well. Keep me posted.
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Verified
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Category: Relationship
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