Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.
I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a good couple. And you both seem to really want each other's love. You both want to be in this relationship with your whole hearts. That's what it seems like from what you've shared with me. And that's so wonderful.
The problem seems to be the psychological associations (the symbolism that makes it meaningful inside) each of you has with sex and sexual enjoyment. Your symbolism is very different from hers and hers is very different from yours. This is causing you a lot of heartache and disappointment. So let's see if we can help to make it better.
You've described her ex as being very self centered. He cared about himself and not her. And this was certainly reflected in their sex. He got pleasure and that was all that mattered. Her pleasure didn't matter at all.
She seems to have tried to compensate for this. By showing more and more love and passion in her giving him enjoyment. This, in psychological terms, is very often a subconscious behavior by the other person in a relationship with a veyr self centered person. She keeps hoping subconsciously that by showing how pleasurable it is to give him what he wants, he'll do a little more of the same for her.
But it never works. The self centered person just assumes that she "gets it", that she realizes how important his pleasure is and that she is satisfied with giving him pleasure. And so he doesn't try any harder to give her pleasure. And she is more disappointed. So she learned that sex is either for his pleasure or hers.
Now she's with a boyfriend who wants to give her pleasure. And that makes her happy. She seems to be truthful when she says she's happy with you. And she's happy sexually. But she seems to still think of sex as either for her pleasure or yours. And she is very happy that you want it to be for her.
A good way to deal with this without hurting feelings is to say that you want to vary the procedure. That you want to have an orgasm first sometimes and then you'll give her an orgasm orally or manually. That is a way to introduce into the discussion that you want your orgasm to become more central to the sex between the two of you.
If she looks like that's strange, then don't get upset, just tell her you want it to be fair and to be more adventurous. And that you're not trying to replace all the sex with this, just to make it more even. That sometimes you want the focus to be your orgasm. Most of the time it can still be her orgasm.
This is how most couples do it, by the way. And she needs to know that. This is how most couples who love each other for more than just a brief encounter enjoy sex. Very, very few couples have orgasms at the same time. Therefore they share the experience of making each person's orgasm the center of the sex. Some times it will be one person's orgasm that is the center, other times it will be the other person's. So this is the normal procedure.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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