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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hello, I will try my best to explain my odd situation. I met

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Hello, I will try my best to explain my odd situation. I met my friend Jared in college and I met him when I was 19. I'm 21 now and he's 27. It started off as a normal friendship, He sought me out first and talked to me first. He kept flirting with me and asked me out for coffee. He'd do strange things such as staring at me even thou i sat behind him in class and get close to me. We got to know each other and I really liked him. he eventually kissed me first on a lunch date, but he didn't want anything serious.He said he was in no spot for it. I was a bit heartbroken but continued to see him.
We did have sex and more then once. It was always at his apartment. At one point during our weird relationship, he said he didn't want to have sex anymore because he didn't want to complicate us but still wanted to see me. I got upset and didnt understand but I was willing to be friends. However it didn't last, we had sex again after 2 weeks of being friends. It seems that we can't control ourselves around each other but we can't let go of each other either. We have a strange chemistry around each other. I'm not sure what his stance is on me because he always gets quiet when I talk about other guys,or friends and can be a bit possessive. During sex he keeps telling me that I feel so good which I have no idea why. After sex he likes to cuddle with me and we just chat for awhile. He said I was smart, sweet, sarcastic and nice. That i have no reason to put myself down. He also told me that i need to get over my insecurity over my looks because i look fine to him. Which I told him I don't think so and he said I do and that's all that matters. He calls me Hun, dear and love. He said he loves my body and feels comfortable around me.
Well when I was working, I saw him hanging out with another girl. He was hugging her and kissing her and worst part is he parked right front of my work! and driving her car! I was so heartbroken because the other day I asked to spend time with him and he said "These days idk when we could". He didnt make time for me but he did for this girl. I was so heartbroken that words cannot describe the pain I felt because I really liked him and cared for him. I cried at work, I felt so hurt and betrayed and worthless. This girl was a bit chubby and looked older (sorry if that is rude but it has ruined my self esteem). I think he saw me but he didnt even acknowledge me. I dont know what to think or even say to him anymore, if I should talk to him ever. I decided to not ever text him but my friends think he might reach out to me. I doubt that he will contact me. Do you think he will contact me eventually or notice? i know this wrong but part of me wants him to notice that I am gone. its been a week since I texted him. Im also hurt because he said he would never take advantage and j and that he doesnt like making me upset. What should I do now? :( I feel like a complete mess and heartbroken.
Hello. I'm sorry he is doing this to you. I would ask you why you would want him to reach out to you after treating you this way? From what you posted here, it sounds to me as though he is clearly using you for whatever he feels like, without any concern for your feelings at all. I do think he will contact you when HE wants something. I would ask you if this is the kind of relationship that you want? it is ok if you do, there is no right or wrong. People have open relationships all the time, as long as both people agree to it. The key is BOTH people agree to it. If one person wants a committed, solid, long term relationship and the other person just wants to do whatever they want, then it turns into a one way street where someone is getting hurt. Right now, that person is you. So the botXXXXX XXXXXne is, if your options are to either walk away from him and find someone else, or to be at his beckoned call when he feels like talking with you, having sex with you, being with you, etc and not having a say in it, which would you choose? There is no right or wrong answer, you just have to have a clear understanding as to what is happening here and accept it one way or another.
Your self esteem has nothing to do with any other person except for you. YOU make yourself happy, you make yourself feel good about yourself, no one else. Do not allow anyone to make you feel one way or another about your appearance or any other feature. Another person cannot make you happy, only enhance your existing happiness that you have for yourself. The fact that you don't have the best self esteem is what is causing you to put up with him to begin with. You are better than this and deserve to be treated with respect. He is not doing this at all. My personal advice to you is to leave this situation and find someone who loves you and respects you for who you are. Someone who wants to be with you all the time. he is saying nice things to you to get you to do what he wants. If he does reach out to you, I would love to see you tell him you have moved on, but again, this is your choice. Just understand that he is using you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Wow the self esteem issue was spot on because that is why I do put up with him, for I'm scared that I won't find anyone else. So you do think he will contact me? The reason I do is because I want him to apologize and explain to me what happened that day. I am trying to move on but I'm still a bit hurt from what he did and I'm still attached to him but I'm trying to distance myself. Do you think that's the right choice.
I think distancing yourself form him is the right choice. Of course you will find someone else, but you should concentrate on yourself right now and feeling good about you for you and no one else. It will take time and it won't be easy. If he does contact you, you need to be strong and ask him to apologize and stand your ground on that. Don't let him sweet talk you into a night together only to walk away from you again.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I know it won't be easy but do you think he will reach out to me? Because all my friends say he will reach out and if you think so too I do want to prepare myself to confront him and ask him questions.
You should be prepared for it regardless. He will reach out to you if/when he becomes bored with his current situation or he needs an ego boot.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So you do think so? How do you think I should prepare myself? I must admit that I'm not a angry person and I'm really soft.
You don't have to be angry, just firm and to the point. Another option for you would be to write down your feelings and give him a letter instead. Make sure you don't sound soft or like you want him back. Tell him you have moved on and are tired of being used. I would bet that he would then come to you and try to manipulate you again. You have to be strong. He is not treating you right. Eventually, you WILL be an angry person if he keeps doing it to you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Alright I can write a letter to express myself, but I only want to confront him if he texts me back, do. You think he will?
I said before, I think he will when he becomes bored with his current situation. It could be next week, next month, 6 months...hard to say.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Oh okay so that's a yes?
I think so. You can't be certain, but you can only go by his pattern of behavior.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Okay sorry for repeating the question, I ask because that is what everyone is telling me and I am somewhat skeptical of that. What I planned to do was distance myself and focus on myself. If Jared ever does contact me I was thinking of telling that I found someone (hopefully I do by then) and asking for a explaination and a apology from him. Does that sound good? Or what else do you think I should do?
I think that is what you should do. DOnt worry about what everyone else says. You can't predict someones behavior with certainty. You can only guess based o past experience.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I know I can't be certain but I just wanted to ask if you thought he would contact me to prepare myself or what not
I think he will when he gets bored with his current situation.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I see and do you think he will try to manipulate me again if I told him off?
I'm sure. If he knows you have a self esteem problem, he will play to your weakness. Don't be weak.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Alright thank you so much, your advice has helped me so much and I think you are fantastic! I'll let you know what has happened and again, thank you :)

Thank you and yes please keep me posted ! Good luck and stay strong !
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hello it's me again, I wanted to ask what should I do about my growing sadness and anxiety due to Jared's birthday coming up? Also should I say anything to him on his birthday at all?
Time will help you with your sadness. Also, if you have something you like to do in your spare time like a hobby, I would try to involve myself in those activities as much as possible.
When his birthday comes, you can send him a brief and simple happy birthday message with nothing else in the message.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hey I did say happy birthday to him and he said thank you. I replied with how have you been? He didn't respond, is that a good thing?
It is because you need to focus on moving on and if he responded, he would have drawn you int a bit more. I would leave it at that for now.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Okay, although is it bad that I want to talk to him so bad because I miss him a lot ? And what do you mean for now?
It's part of the healing process. You need to get to the point you don't want to talk to him at all. A birthday wishes should have been all the communication you had. He was polite with his response. That was all he wanted to do. I mean, you need to leave your communication with him alone. Now that you said happy birthday, he responded, leave it alone. He may eventually respond more with your question left hanging, but maybe not. The best thing is to not have any contact with him at all and move on. You left an open question, so there is a possibility he may respond. If he does say something to you such as fine or ok, something short, you should not respond any further to him. You can't heal unless you do. Every bit of communication is a step back emotionally.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Okay I understand, it's just.... I really do miss him a lot, to the point where I kinda of tear up thinking about not talking to him again. So I can never talk to him again? Even if you said for now?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Is wrong to want to talk to him?
You can do or feel however you want. The bottom line is, he hasn't and doesn't treat you right and he likes to be with other woman as well. If you like to be treated this way and you don't mind he is with other women, you can certainly try to talk to him all you want. If you are a strong woman who refuses to be walked on and you want to be able to move on to find someone who respects you and wants to be with you, the best thing is to turn your back in this entire situation and go forward, not back. You can want to talk to him all you want. I'm sure he would like to know he has that kind of pull with you. The end result does not sound like it will ever be what you want for it to be, so you need to ask yourself, how much time do you want to waste on him and how much emotion and pain do you want to continue to allow him to have control over. The more you talk to him, the more you are emotionally set back. So, it's up to you how much of that you want to deal with.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yeah that is true, so it wouldn't work as friends, with no sex then?
No. You will always want more and it would hurt you endlessly.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I just miss him a lot and I just wished he was honest with me but you are right
I understand. Any contact with him will set you back, however. When you go through your phases of this, you will eventually get to anger over what he did and that's the point where you will make some progress towards being able to move on.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
The problem is I'm not angry person, I'm very forgiving and believe in second chances. I still want that apology and explanation from him but I'm not sure how to get it
I'm not sure you will. He doesn't care or else you would have gotten it. Even people who aren't angry tend to reach that phase eventually, even if for a short amount of time. Anger is helpful in some cases. He sounds like he uses people and you are no exception. People who do that, don't apologize.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I want to be angry trust me, but my sadness is bigger then my angry, but I want to be angry. Even if I told him how feel, you think he wouldn't open up?