How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years now. We live

This answer was rated:

I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years now. We live together, and he treats me very, very well. the problem is we do not have a sexual relationship. He says he doesn't know why and is going to speak to his doctor about it. He never does, nor does he even seem to be bothered by the fact we are not intimate. He says it is not me, and that he finds me attractive, but nothing has changed. We have talked about it, and he says he understands how I feel, but nothing changes. This has been this way for over a year now, and quite frankly, I am about at the end of my rope with it. I do not want to have a room mate that I share a bed room with. what few medical issues he has is not the reason, I have researched it. I really am at a loss. short of not having a sexual relationship with him, he is wonderful... why wouldn't he want one:?
At a loss, and not sure which way to turn.. I am tired of talking about to him, he knows how I feel.

Dear XXXXX : Thank you for your question.
Dear XXXXX : You both have been in a relationship for a long time and what happens is the relationship begins to get comfortable.
Dear XXXXX : Whrn two people start dating its new and exciting.
Dear XXXXX : Your learning about the person and your fully focused on the person. You try to impress the person.
Dear XXXXX : Once a relationship begin to progress it begin to get comfortable and life begins to get in the way.
Dear XXXXX : Responsibilities become the focus and things become routine.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you for your question. I noticed you rated me ok service. My answer was not completed I did not get a chance to answer your question on why. I want to continue to help you and work to find a solution and if you could please rate me again. What is happening with him is the relationship developed and his feelings grew deeper for you. His love for you increased as you both developed the relationship and what happens is him just being with you is enough. He feels that loving you is enough and that their is more to his relationship than intimacy. But you want to be close too him in an intimate way and have a healthy sex life together. There are many reasons why people do not desire sex. Often times people that work hard and come home from a long day just want to relax. There could be medical issues. Some times your body is lacking certain nutrients. There is a reason why and if he does not know he should start with his doctor. I do not feel it is about him not being attracted too you. I think there is a problem that can be fixed. I want you to take things slow. I want you to recreate your first date. This will help bring back the memories you once had when you both were starting out. Talk about all those special moments the you have shared over the years. Then in between him talking hold his hand. Show that other side of intamacy. Then when your date is over and he is comfortable and relaxed I would not as him to be intimate. I would initiate intamacy. This way there is no pressure on him. If you come right out and ask he will think about things too much. He needs to just relax and enjoy the moment. I think he is over thinking things and needs to just be intimate. Explain too him that you just want to be close too him. I want you to plan a whole special night with no distractions and just talk about memories and your love for each other. Let things take its course and show him that you and him being close is important. Communication is extremely important in a relationship and you both do communicate which is great. There seems to be something that is blocking his thoughts. I want you to think about when this all first started. Think about if something happened in his life. Some times life events can alter things. People can change if certain things in life change. People can back away if they feel the person might leave. People get worried that they will get their heart broken in a relationship so they protect themselves from hurt. He could have backed away out of fear of losing you. People react differently when they love someone. Some people are willing to put their heart out there and take a risk, but then their are others that would rather back away out of fear they might get hurt. He might need to be reassured that you are not leaving and that you love him. I feel you both should talk about how much you love each other. This will help ease his mind if he is having problems with fear. He might not even realize what the problem is and if you both talk about some things it could be something might click and he might find the solution. You can even write down how you feel and him write down how he feels. Then you both can read what each other wrote. It is easier to write your feelings on paper. Then you each can respond back to each other. He will be able to take his time and think about his thoughts. When people have a conversation about problems some times people get nervous and upset and the person doesn't always fully understand what the person is saying. If it is written down he can take his time with his thoughts and you can keep reading it and also respond so he can take his time reading how you feel. I feel that will help him better express himself. I think he needs to open up and find the solution because it is important in a relationship for both people to discuss their wants and needs. He needs to understand that there needs to be a solution. I want you to try what we have discussed. I am going to do a follow up with you in a couple of days to see if things have changed. Thank you again for your question.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the detailed answer, did think you had finished. your suggestions are great and have tried all of the above. no pressure no discussing, just love and holding each other. then he goes to sleep. hays he sorry but just skips theough his day just like nothing the next day. did of research before reaching out because am at such aloss. this has been going on for a over a year now.. nothing medically is wrong when dr did blood work all good. it showed his testerone fime. he was actually getting it for other reasons so when seen that knew that was the last alternative and or reason excwpt maybe just do it for him aymore. he says different but actions speak louder , just at the end of my rope with frustration. apreciate ur help

Thank you for your question. Low testosterone levels could be the reason but if he was tested then you can rule that out. If their is nothing wrong with him medically then we have to look at some more things that could be causing the problem. Stress can also be the problem when people have a lot going on in their life specially if the have certain problems that they are unable to fix, it becomes a way of losing focus. People can become very consumed by other things in life. Problems, hobbies, it is very easy for someone to become focused on other things in life. But even with busy schedules he needs to make the time for you. You mentioned about him falling a sleep when you are holding each other. This does mean he is very comfortable with you, and very relaxed. He basically feels safe in your arms and has no worries when you both are just laying there. But he has to understand that you have wants and needs in this relationship. He has tried in the fact that he has gone to the doctors, but he is medically cleared that this is not the reason. Some times their are unresolved issues in a relationship that cause feelings to be blocked. Some times people have arguments and one thing is said that alters the relationship. Then the person goes into a protect mode and shuts down. He could have performance anxiety. He might be worried that he is unable to please you. there are many factors when it comes to having self confidence in the bedroom. This is why it is important to tell him this is about just you and him being close. Also I want you to ask him about if he is having trouble getting turned on. You want to ask him what can you do that would enhance his drive. He needs to openly discuss this problem. I do not see that he is not attracted too you because he would not hold you or make any effort. He is having the contact. I have to wonder if he is having trouble with getting aroused and could be embarrassed and their are many reason why this can happen. If he is on certain medications, Stress, exhaustion. I think writing things down might be the best way for him to talk. Even if he had to text it too you on your phone, and e-mail if he does not want to write he can type. I think he is not fully expressing certain emotions and it could be because he just does not know where to start. Thank you again.

Related Relationship Questions