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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now i love him, prior to that he was my bestfriend for another year before that. He told me he was inlove with me 8 months after we met, but i showed the feelings were not mutual. With that being said, we have been seeing echother almost every single day now for 3 years due to the fact that he always asks for me to come over (my house is not as available for privacy) he comes to see me (btw he lives in my neighborhood). We have ups and downs, the ups are absolutley wonderful, i can truly be myself around him and i feel as if i can see the true him aswell. I have broken up with him several times because i had a habit of breaking up everytime i got angry, he has cried and begged.. but stopped when he got the gist.. so i decided to grow up and stop that nonsense because it wouldnt resolve anything.He has only broken up with me once before because he wanted a break ,but he wanted to get back 4 days later... That was about 6 months ago. Recently, he broke up with me and we were broken up for 2 weeks because he said he wants to be single and focus on himself and said we see eachother too much (yet he is the one that calls, texts and wants to see me. He didnt really do anything different with his life but hang out till really late and wake up the next day really late, i dont want to get into too much detail about that.. But anyway, we got back together last friday. Today, i was with him and around two other guys that are not nessecarily his friends, but two guys that like to be around him and always look for him.. One of them disrespected me by giving me an attitude for a ridiculous reason (im always extremely nice to him, all the time! Anyway, my boyfriend did not defend, instead he made a remark that early showed he was not defending me while i was arguing with this guy. Also, even prior to that me and my boyfriend got into a slight argument over some dog that he needed to get rid of but didnt want to because he wanted to keep him but i had alreafy arrranged for someone to buy the pet.. Infront of those guys, he called me a kid and basically said something extremely rude that even ine of the guys made a face that showed he understood the rudeness in his statement. I am very displeased from what happened today. I have been seeing my boyfriend every day this week because he wants to see me ,except monday because i told him i was busy. I would like to see him everytime that i please but i feel like if i dont play hard to get a bit he will not have as great of a desire you know what they say time makes the heart grow fonder. But i just feel like this should not be a factor in a long term relationship. He has asked me to marry him before, one time that i broke up with him and he was really afraid it would be true, but we decided to let that idea go for now because we are young and it was also out of panic. We speak about kids and marriage in the future. Well back to the readon i am on here, i feel like my boyfriend is not giving me the level of respect i deserve, infront of his friends he does not tell them to watch their mouths if they ever disrespect me(which i dont blame them because he does not always demonstrate the right respect for me infront of them) do t grt me wrong my boyfriend respects me very much, hes very loving and caring.. But i am realizing that i am feeling unappreciated and not being treated the way i deserve. I tried talking to him but he was telling me he didnt feel like the guy was disrespecting me etc it was pointless. I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help with your situation.

You both seem somewhat young and inexperienced with relationships. We all go through a time of learning how to make a relationship work and it is by trial and error.

You have an issue of disrespect. You friend's friend was rude to you and your friend did not stand up for you. He had no sense of standing up for his best friend and sweetheart, and instead let the man insult or disrespect you.

You then stated that the man was basically treating you with disrespect because he has seen your friend treat you rudely as well.

You said, "don't get me wrong" by thinking that he doesn't respect you because he does. How about, he respects you a great deal, but not all the time, and sometimes he disrespects you in front of his friends, perhaps encouraging them by his actions towards you, and definitely by permitting them to disrespect you too.

What you should do, you ask?

Tell me straight up that he is never again to disrespect you in front of other people, and that if others disrespect you he needs to stand up like a man, and not act like a boy. Friends support friends, and potential long-term couples must ALWAYS stand up for each other in public. Tell him that this is a line that he cannot cross anymore and that he should expect the same from you.

Don't be angry or mean when you tell him this. Just show him that you mean business and that this is an important issue, perhaps a deal breaker.

Being a best friend is a full-time commitment and you have to expect a full-time commitment if you want something more than just a buddy to hang out with.

I wish you great success.

Please get back to me on this question if you wish to discuss it further.

Warm regards,