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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi. I am a 30 year old male who has been in a relationship

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Hi. I am a 30 year old male who has been in a relationship with a 31 year old female who we will call sally has two kids 8&13 from the previous relationship. For the most part things have been great for us but we have had some bumps in the road. She works a sales position and has the owner and a manager who we will call Steve above her. About six months ago she received a text message from her boss at 1am after he had been at a baseball game. It was in regards XXXXX XXXXX kids who were at the baseball game with their dad who hadn't seen them for 4 months cause he is a looser. So sally asked her boss to check on the kids while him and Steve were at the game too. So I didn't like the 1am text and thought it was crossing a boundary. Me and sally talked this over the next day and I wanted to confront her boss about this but it would probably affect her job. So sally made me a promise that she would deal with it and keep work business only and no personal. So a little bit of time went on and sally asked me if I was OK with her building a friendship with Steve and his wife outside of work. I said I didn't feel comfortable with it because of how close her and Steve work together. They do a lot of driving together. They are required to spend weekends out of town together just the two of them. He moved her into his office when she could of had her own. He pushed for her raise when the owner didn't want to. So me and sally live in different house around the corner from each other. Mine is under renovation so we can fit the while family here. I don't have the Internet hooked up here yet. So about two months ago I stopped by on a Sunday after work about noon and sally and the kids were away at a agri fair. I opened the computer up and seen an email she sent to Steve at 10 am about some music she really liked. It hurt me because she had never shared that with me before. Just before noon he replied in email with hello :-) I really like it too blah blah blah. The hello :-) started to ring warning bells for me. I was upset and took all my belongings out of her house and left her key on the counter. I felt that she broke her promise to me. We ended up working through it. Right now sally and Steve are 2 hours away together at a conference. They are staying in the same hotel. On the first week of October they have to go to Toronto together which is 4 provinces away and they are doing a sales event to try and get their products for sale on the east coast. So he asked her to go to buffalo with him while they are there to watch a hockey game. I told sally that it sounds like he is asking you on a date and if he was about sales he would be taking the purchaser of an account he wants to land. So right now my stomach is in knots and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I don't think anything has gone on between them but I don't trust his intentions. And with this job being a long term one and sally's desire to be friends with Steve outside of work scares me that the potential for disaster later exists and high odds of happening. Sally told me that there is nothing wrong with the situation and that my problem is that I just need to trust her more. I am really lost on whether I am being too insecure or if something might be brewing. My friends I talk too say that this is a bad situation. Any advise would be appreciated. Thank you.
Hello. The issue is with your trust with her. You might not trust his intentions, but do you trust her? She feels hurt because she has control of herself and her own intentions and the fact that you feel that she will cave in to him regardless of what he wants is what bothers her. While I think you need to trust her, she did say she would keep the line between business and personal more clear. She is in a tough spot here as well because she likes her job and she feels stuck. What do you expect her to do? He knows she needs to do certain things to keep her job and she probably doesn't want to lose her job. Think of her perspective. Even if his intentions are not good ones, what options does she have? This entire situation probably stresses her out too, so think of that as well. I'm sure anything he asks her to do, she is a ball of nerves knowing she has to tell you and what your reaction is. That is the first thing I would ask you, to think about her side of it and how difficult it may be for her, not just you.
That being said, I do think he is being inappropriate. I think he knows he has her in this spot where she can't say no to this or that without complications with her employment. THIS is the situation which I think needs to be addressed and you and "sally" need to do this as a team, not as you vs her. She does need to be more honest with you as far as her contact with him and she does need to limit it and follow through. I am happy you both can work through this when issues come up and you need to keep communicating like this.
DO you trust her? And I mean HER not talking about him. If he was to put moves on her, how confident are you she would say no? Decide on your level of trust for her. The next thing you need to do is to keep expressing to her how you do trust her, but she needs to be better about that line she drew and sticking to it. Tell her you understand that he has her in a difficult position and that you sympathize with this. By saying that to her, you sound less insecure and more concerned about the relationship as a whole. Try to posture your talks with her of how are WE going to handle this guy, not pointing the finger at her all the time and being suspicious.
She thinks there is nothing wrong with the situation and you think there is everything wrong with it. Reality is somewhere in the middle. Compromise with her the best you can and try to get her to see your point of view at the same time understanding hers.
Keep working through it. If it gets to the point where you really can't deal with it and she is fighting you on every aspect of it, then you need to consider the next steps from that point.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

So tonight I had a phone call from sally asking me if it was OK for her to go out drinking with Steve and other people. I told her she it's her decision and she went out with them. With the first time being away with Steve and the issues we are going through I felt it was unfair for her to put the decision on to me. I have called sally and told her about how I feel which was unfair because we were not face to face. I told her that if we were solid together and not having issues and Steve was not a factor then it is great for her to enjoy herself out. But with the convoluted situation that she should have not asked me on the phone about it cause it gets my head spinning and she is away where my heart is broken and by asking me to go out drinking with him puts a bigger crack in my heart. I listened to your advise and understood about more trust and I felt good on making progress to a better mental view but when the phone call came in about going out drinking it really put me back. So with my sensitivity to this situation is it blocking my ability to trust or was the phone call about going out drinking too much too soon?

WHat you need to do is put a different spin on this. I do completely understand your point of view and how it probably would have been better not to know, but its out there, so now you have to choose what to do with it. Think about the events; the people she was with were talking about going out drinking and this probably immediately caused stress for her. She probably thought, what do I do? If I go out and not say anything, he may find out and get mad, or I can ask him and do what makes him feel comfortable. She most likely did not call you to purposely cause you to feel uncomfortable, even though that is what it did. Again, think about her options and her position. To make this a positive situation, think to yourself how lucky you are to have a girl who WOULD call you to ask you instead of just going out and doing whatever she wanted or felt was the popular choice to do. It probably would have been awkward for her to say no to a group of people she works with or whoever, and they probably would have thought things about her if she turned them down. The entire situation is a no win for everyone involved, especially because of the stress in your relationship. Try to relax, know that things are ok. If she was planning on being malicious, she would not have called. Think the good side of it and try to take your mind off of the situation.
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